Ah, Summer. Remember what it was like when you were young and still in school? Every single Summer day was the best day of your life, even if all you were going to do that day was smash Matchbox cars with a claw hammer or throw rocks at the huge hornet's nest in your neighbor's bushes. But not now. Now, Summer represents one very bright, humid and seemingly eternal period between "Free Agent Day" on July 1st and the beginning of football season. At least for me it does. Maybe you're a "beach person" or an "outdoorsy type", and your Summer months are jam-packed with outdoor thrills. I hope you get eaten by a bear or carried away by mosquitos, Davey Crockett. And don't tell me Summer is great because you can wear shorts all the time. I'll let you in on a little secret: That place known as "inside", where the temperature is controlled by a little dial on your wall as would seem fitting for denizens of the 21st century, you can wear shorts all day, every day! No joke.

To make things even worse, now we're in the long stretch of the Summer - the time between the 4th of July and Labor Day - where the actual date is irrelevant because every day previous for the last month was exactly like it was today. Is it late August? Early August? Thursday? Saturn? Mayonnaise? I don't know. It doesn't matter, anyway. Scientifically, spiritually, emotionally, metaphorically and every other "ally" in the book, my answer to the question of today's date would be, "French Toast". Or maybe I'd answer with, "Abe Vigoda". It's a trick question. There is no correct answer.

It's gotten so bad for this sun hating boy that one of my hobbies lately has been reading about average snowfall amounts in various North American locations. Did you know Rochester gets more snow than Buffalo? It's true. Rochester gets about 135 inches per year compared to Buffalo's 110" or so. One hundred and thirty-five glorious inches! Doesn't it sound beautiful and non-humid? And you know what? There's no professional baseball team for miles! Oh, to be away from the endless drone that is baseball talk on the radio and in the papers during the sun blasted days of July and August. Baseball contributes mightily to the overall Summer condition of feeling like you're trapped in a tanning bed watching two old men play Parcheesi. Rochester, without knowing much about you except for your average annual snowfall, you have my heart. And you may soon have my tax money.

We're almost out of it, though. I can see the light, and I don't mean that hovering orange disc I catch glimpses of once in a while when the air conditioner vent makes the blinds on my windows sway in it's cool 21st century breeze. Football - that glorious sport where being fat and drunk in a parking lot at 9am on a Sunday morning is normal - starts it's regular season in a little less than two weeks. Even if you don't like football, you should know by now that it's beginning means hockey training camps open up not too long after. And then Summer, and all it's bugs and lawn mowers and baseballs, will be a memory. And then we're home.

So, as a roundabout way of saying, "let's get in the mood", here's my preview of what the Eastern Conference standings probably won't look like in April. I'd also predict the Western Conference, except I don't care about the Western Conference.

1. Ottawa Senators
This prediction comes with a caveat. If the NHL actually cracks down on interference for more than two weeks this time, like they say they're going to do, the Senators game plan of being the World's Dullest Team might backfire on them. Their series last season against the Flyers was like watching an accountant watching the grass grow with "Meet The Press" on in the background for added torture. But you know the refs won't call interference all season long and the Senators' "Operation: Warm Milk and Rice Cakes" will be able to reign supreme in time.

2. Philadelphia Flyers
Because no one else in the Atlantic is good enough. Because getting Handzus was a good idea. Because getting rid of Oates and Dopita was a better idea. Because Hitchcock is an improvement over Barber. Because Brendl put on eight pounds of muscle in the off season. Wait, scratch that last one, it's silly.

3. Carolina Hurricanes
Still, no one gives them credit. They could find a cure for cancer and invent calorie free beer and people will think the Red Wings did it. I don't expect a repeat trip to the Finals, but who's going to usurp them in that disaster of a division? The Capitals? The Capitals with Bruce "Don't Call Me David" Cassidy as new head coach? No.

4. Toronto Maple Leafs
Although, this team could be an out-of-the-playoffs disaster under the right circumstances. Your goalies are Ed Belfour and Trevor Kidd. That's like saying your parents are Crispin Glover and Shirley MacLaine. People are getting mighty sick of Pat Quinn's blustery, pork-headed ways. Leaf fans are constantly bitching about something. But the Eastern Conference isn't that good.

5. New York Rangers
Because the law of averages says they're due. It's still a shaky team, though. The Messier situation could derail everything. Mike Richter is not a solid full season performer. There are still no top flight, stay-at-home defensemen among their ranks. Scoring on the team drops off dramatically after Lindros and Bure. You never know what kind of performance Nedved and Dvorak will give you. But I have a lot of faith in the staff of Trottier, Schoenfeld and O'Reilly. The country club mentality should (hopefully) be over, and this is a big, bruising team with toughness all over the roster, coached by a bunch of tough guys themselves. And while this may be the stupidest thing I've ever said in my entire life, watch out for Nils Ekman this year.

6. Montreal Canadiens
Theodore deserved the Hart, Vezina and the Nobel Prize for his work last season, as he carried this team of skinny, injured AHL'ers into the second round single handedly like few goalies have done before. Figure he'll be at least 90% of what he was last season, then add Czerkawski, Koivu (until he gets injured for the 54th time), some needed grit and net presence in McKay, and they should be back. And then those clueless Montreal fans can sing that "Ole Ole" soccer song again like they were in Portugal. Yes, I know, you're so European and cultured up there. Argh.

7. New Jersey Devils
Pat Burns is at least my third favorite "Coach With A Cop Mustache Who Looks Like He's One Step From His Heart Exploding Through His Chest At Any Minute". My favorite is Jacques Demers, by the way. The Devils are smaller, the Devils are older, the Devils have to be demoralized after losing Holik and losing in the 1st round last year, but as I've said several times already, this is not a very good conference, and they still have enough to make it.

8. Washington Capitals
They seem to be trying to rearrange themselves into Team Jagr, which might not be a very good idea. Ron Wilson will be missed tremendously once people realize most of the positives of this Capitals team in the last 5 years came from Wilson's defensive system and strong work ethic he built into that team. Robert Lang, fine player though he is, is not a first line center. On paper they seem to have it all - Plenty of scoring, plenty of grinding role players and a very solid goalie. But there will be growing pains with Coach Partridge in what is not exactly an ego-free locker room.

9. Boston Bruins
Repeat after me, "Steve Shields is your starting goalie". "You just lost about 20% of your offense in one player". "Your best defenseman wants out". "Glen Murray will not repeat that performance". "Hockey has become an also-ran sport in what used to be one of the best hockey areas in the USA". "You will not make the playoffs".

10. New York Islanders
It's not with any personal biases that I say this, Islander fans, but the honeymoon is over. Everyone had something to prove last year: Osgood, Peca, Yashin, Laviolette and so on. That desire to prove people wrong won't necessarily be there again with those players. And your offense, peeeyuuuuu! It stinks! 25-goal Czerkawski for 4th line schlub Asham was one of the worst trades in the past calendar year. There is little offense beyond Yashin. Sure, they got a little tougher, and they needed to. But unless Petey unleashes a big hairy neutral zone trap on the proceedings, this team doesn't have enough goals to win, plain and simple.

11. Atlanta Thrashers
It's really becoming a decent team except for one crucial flaw - their goaltending stinks on toast with a side of cole slaw. What they should do is take a little ride down the highway one night and steal Khabibulin from the Lightning while they're sleeping. No one in Tampa would know.

12. Buffalo Sabres
I don't think their expectations are set too high this year. It will be a victory if their jerseys don't carry ads for Mentos and Fram Oil Filters by the all-star break.

13. Tampa Bay Lightning
This team is a joke, but they did manage to trade for Nikolai Khabibulin during one brief moment of clarity, and that alone will keep them out of the sub-basement. Does anyone care? No, no one cares. Let's move on.

14. Pittsburgh Penguins
They're less of a hockey team than a collection of fluffy, quirky, non offensive man-children, especially after losing Boughner, Kaspar, Oliwa and Tibbetts within the last year. They are the beanie babies of hockey. Chicks dig their fluffy cuteness. They should all be piled on top of each other in the rear window of a fat woman's Buick Skylark. Their part-owner, captain and superstar takes the rest of the season off after the olympics and is not sure how much he'll play this season. They lose another talented forward in the off season. Straka can't open a jar of pickles without breaking a bone. They are, in the truest sense of the word, pitiful, like a sad, wet puppy.

15. Florida Panthers
Mike Keenan is really building a team of promising up-and-comers. The sky's the limit in the '08-'09 season. Until then they're going to suck brutally. They're going to suck so bad they're not even going to be good at sucking. The suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. If you think I'm being too harsh, here's a heads up: Their best offensive player is Valeri Bure. Their second best offensive player is Kristian Huselius. Their third best offensive player is Marcus Nilson. End of story.

- Rocha Posted by pete at August 27, 2002 08:25 AM
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