IT’S MONDAY MORNING. I’m driving to work, trying to decide if I just watched the greatest 60 minutes of NY hockey in the past 8 years, or whether I’m a witness and abetting accomplice to the final demise of the NHL. I’m leaning towards the latter.
On the one hand, Game Six of the Isles-Leafs series was exactly what the league has been struggling to present since the start of the Gary Bettman Era in 1993: high scores, hard hits and fast play, all without removing the fights, blood, taunting, posing, posturing, and every other outlandish “slam dunk” behavior that keeps the general public scrambling for tickets and merchandise. But on the other hand, it’s not hockey anymore. It’s an orchestrated circus where the referees and league officials have willingly lost complete control over the game, and therefore must intrude at inappropriate times to restore the order and thus affect the outcome. The manner of the victory is more important than the victory itself. It’s the WWF. It’s Joe Micheletti doing his best Jim Ross “good God, someone’s got to put a stop to this” impression. It’s Mike Milbury and Pat Quinn grabbing the ring-mike and spitting insults at each other. It’s Darcy Tucker bringing a foreign object into the rink; it’s Jim Cummins being introduced with his own theme music and fireworks. And it’s absolutely must-see TV. So not that I’m complaining—the XHL is fine by me—but when the score becomes secondary to what the people are applauding, you have to wonder about the ultimate direction the game is heading in. Congrats NHL, Nassau Coliseum is full again, and a franchise is reborn. But at what price? Are you not entertained, hockey fans? Are you NOT entertained?
Thank you, and now give it up for “Country Joe McDonald and the Fish.”
But seriously—and I hate to get all Ned Braden from “Slap Shot” on you—but from a hockey purist’s standpoint, this opening round has been a terrible blight on whatever dignity the Stanley Cup claims to have had, and no one should be able to escape accountability when the dust settles. I’m not one of those wishy-washy writers that thinks violence and fighting are ruining the game; quite the contrary, as a player and a fan I understand its necessity. But when two teams show so little respect for one another that they decide to target particular players for major injuries—Darcy Tucker’s low-bridge would have ended Mike Peca’s career about 15 years ago—and the league arbitrarily chooses that this will be one of the few times they hide behind the rulebook instead of amending it, you have to wonder how far off we are from the Hanson Brothers running the show. Bear in mind, the league cleverly added a whole host of rules and an extra official to clean those types of things up. To quote Brad Pitt from “Fight Club”: And how’s that working out for you?
Milbury should have been gagged, restrained, and fined silly after his Game Three tirade. The refs blew the Gary Roberts board on Kenny Jonsson, and the NHL should have owned up to it, no suspension. But Darcy Tucker, legal hit or not, HAS GOT to be suspended: he knocked a star player out of the league for six months, Colin Campbell!—what’s going to happen when every fifth-tier forward decides to “legally” undercut Jaromir Jagr or (gasp!) Eric Lindros during the regular season? (I also take the highly unpopular view that Peca should be smarter on the ice and had his stick across the bridge of Tucker’s nose before that hit even occurs, but I digress…) And baring no suspension, the Isles should be instructed by their coaches to keep their mouths shut and save it for another time. Textbook example of how to handle things was the Devils last season with Tie Domi: NJ won the series, got revenge later. And it shouldn’t be any surprise that a classy old-time hockey guy like Larry Robinson was right in the middle of it.
Great. Not only did I devote 500 words to the Islanders rant, but now I’m praising the Devils too. Look forward to my column next week, Ranger fans, when I explain why Bobby Clarke is a genius. These playoffs are bringing out the worst in me. I’m watching, I’m intrigued, and I hate myself for it. Can we please make the postseason next year, Rangers? PLEASE!!!?
Thus concluded this edition of “Stupidhead’s Soapbox.” We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
****
Random thoughts I’ve had while wondering how miserable a Detroit-Carolina Stanley Cup would be:
—I’ve watched Brett Hull play hockey for what feels like 45 years now and it was only after his hat trick the other night to bury Vancouver did I finally figure out what his secret is: Jedi Mind Control. There is no other explanation for how a guy with no size, limited skating abilities, and very few finesse gifts (aside from an above-average shot) can become the most prolific goal-scorer in the history of hockey. Has to be hypnosis. “You will open your five hole, Dan Cloutier. This is not the big save you were looking for.”
—And while I’m on the subject, Hull should get together with Barry Bonds to form some sort of support group for superstar athletes that no one wants to talk about after they retire. There really should be a Hall of Fame for guys like this, or at least the wing of a museum dedicated to great moments in sports that you wish were done by someone else. Rickey Henderson could be involved, maybe Karl Malone. Francisco Cabrera could work the gift shop.
—As the free-agency period looms closer and closer, Larry Brooks’ unrelenting affection for Bobby Holik has gone from the “get a grip” phase to now being just darn creepy. His recent articles read like NHL love poems. I think he’s about a month away from writing in the Barry White voice: Oooh, Bobby Holik, you big Czech center, you got what the Rangers need. (I didn’t think it was possible but I just skeeved myself out.)
—I think the turning point in the Blues-Blackhawks series involved this conversation: “Hey Keith, isn’t that Jocelyn Thibault in goal? It sure looks like him. Pavol, is Thibault playing goal for them? Really? Wow. (Slight Pause) We should really be shooting more.”
—Does anyone else think that the producers at ABC Sports should set up a panic button in their studio that cuts out Barry Melrose’s microphone whenever his attention deficit disorder kicks in and his mind starts to wander away from the game? His rambling off-the-cuff film review of “The Sixth Sense” during the Devils-Canes final on Saturday sent shivers down my spine that had nothing to do with the movie. That’s how Driver’s Ed instructors must feel when they’re riding in a car without the passenger’s side handbrake.
—I don’t want to say that Byron Dafoe’s playoff series was a complete nightmare for his UFA payday, but his agent just had him listed on eBay and my roller hockey team is currently the leading bid.
—The San Jose Sharks: still flying under the radar, blending into the background, keeping their camera-time to a minimum, no cheap shots or fights, not spouting off about the league or their opponents. See you guys in the Finals.
—There is nothing comparable to the subtle player-referee chess-match when a team it trying to get some rest during a game without burning a timeout. Todd Bertuzzi pulled the old “I think my stick is broken, ref” routine about a dozen times this past week. Had the series gone to seven games, he probably would have raised his hand during stoppages to ask if he could go to the bathroom.
—Lastly, the Flyers? Bounced from the playoffs? Pointing fingers? On their way to removing another coach? Is it May already?
****
Top 11 Reasons Why My Lists Go to 11
11. It’s one more than ten.
10. It’s my IQ.
9. Tribute to Mark Messier.
8. Tribute to Kelly Kisio.
7. Tribute to Wilf Paiement.
6. It’s the age I peaked physically.
5. It’s my maturity level.
4. It’s the number of toes that I have.
3. Copyright issues with the Letterman people.
2. It’s the number of times I’ve won the Selke Award (Go ahead, look it up!)
1. These lists go to 11.
Top 11 Names I Rejected for this Column
11. The Best Damn Hockey Column Period
10. Tuesdays with Theo
9. Ice Dumps
8. Zdeno Ciger Fan Club
7. Leedsy’s Stupid Column (um, I actually didn’t reject this)
6. Slapshots, Wristers and Other Things You Might See in an All-Male Porn Movie
5. Your Cablevision Dollars At Work
4. Captain Brian’s Broadway Blueshirt Bonanza
3. HockeySheep
2. Loser on Losers
1. Neutral Zone Crap
Top 11 Reasons Why Mike Keenan Turned Down the Rangers Coaching Job
11. He’s already spent countless hours laying the foundation to decimate the Florida Panthers.
10. A second tour with the Rangers would only delay his long-term plan of becoming the first coach fired by all 30 NHL franchises.
9. Doesn’t want to appear vulnerable and emasculated courtesy of his inevitable GardenVision tribute.
8. Too few blue-chip prospects in the organization for him to deal away.
7. Wants to fulfill lifelong dream of coaching Igor Ulanov.
6. Hesitant to sign the “There Is Absolutely No Way You Can Squirm Out Of This” contract clause that management would insist upon.
5. Realized that his New York experience would not be the same without Brian Noonan.
4. Warm Miami climate perfect for him to sun on rocks and absorb the critical heat he needs to maintain his body’s homeostatic functions.
3. Doesn’t want to be back into the Cablevision fold and thereby be forced to miss most of the Yankee games this season.
2. Barely dressed models on South Beach vs crazy homeless lady living in Penn Station—what would you do?
1. He may be a lying backstabbing wretched little weasel, but he’s not stupid.
Questions? Comments? Lingering issues that require closure? Feel free to send me an email.
Brian
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