RALEIGH (NC) – Can you feel it hockey fans—that crisp, palpable surge of energy crackling in places well outside the Metro viewing area. Is it the return of some star athletes that you retired years ago? Maybe. Is it the annual parade of low-end goalies that somehow pull together an unprecedented string of shutouts? Perhaps. Is it another chance for Rangers fans to wonder, “Hey, whatever happened to Stephane Matteau”? Could be. Still haven’t figured it out? What could it be, you ask. Tell me now before I brain you with my Koho, you say. Why it’s Round Two of the Stanley Cup Playoffs, silly. That’s right, round two. The second chapter. The next exciting episode. The saga that follows the first. Dos roundo. Twice the thrills, twice the chills, twice the spills. Round Two. Playoffs, back with a vengeance.
And just how exciting is Round Two for New Yorkers? It’s not! Not in the least. Flat-out boring. Might as well watch fishing shows, the Food Network, or the New Jersey Nets. And now you may ask: why is it so unexciting? Well for starters, the Eastern Conference is featuring three Canadian clubs—two mediocre squads that won by being slightly less inept than their competition, and the other a hobbled unit of goons and petty thugs—and an American McFranchise team from that searing hotbed of hockey known as North Carolina. ESPN must be salivating at what a ratings bonanza an Ottawa-Carolina finals might be. And out West? Four good teams top-heavy with stars that will battle in grueling contests scheduled to end right around the time most of us have to get up to go to work. Is it going to be great hockey? Yup. Stanley Cup caliber? You bet. Is it worth staying up for? Heck no. And why is that? Because you don’t live in Detroit or Colorado, stupid. Do you really want to skip a few hours of sleep just so you can talk about Mike Ricci or Chris Drury at the water cooler tomorrow? Because I sure don’t, and I’ll probably be the one guy watching.
But just in case Mistress Zelda is on sabbatical and you haven’t gotten your weekly punishment in, I’ll preview the second round for all you masochists out there that (like me) lack the discipline for self-flagellation.
Montreal vs Carolina
One place known for its staunch resistance to the English language, the other for its complete butchery of it. Hockey’s greatest franchise sits for a spell on the NASCAR circuit. Yee-haw. I’m trying to pretend that this series isn’t happening. Doug Gilmour against Ron Francis in a battle to see who’ll break their hip first. The only intrigue will be waiting for the wheels to fly off Carolina and Kevin Weekes to slink back into his position as a career backup. The big news is that Richard Zednik might play for the Habs: how f’in f’ed is the NHL right now when the return of Richard Zednik can make or break a series? Tough one to call, as both teams equally suck, but I guess that someone has to win. When in doubt, go with the team that has worn their jersey longer.
Montreal in Seven.
Toronto vs Ottawa
Classic Canada on Canada action, which is good because it means the home crowd won’t boo each other’s national anthem. My guess is that if you’re actually looking forward to this series, you’re also a big fan of backbacon and The Tragically Hip. On the plus side, if you happen to run into Alanis Morisette this weekend, at least you have a decent ice-breaker. Ottawa fields a team of pansy-ass European forwards running the trap, while Toronto plays an hard-nosed aggressive system that Mike Milbury (who once leaped into the stands to beat a fan with his own shoe) called “thuggery”. The keys to this match-up are the same as in a good relationship: goaltending, and whether the Bonk is any good. Bad Bonk means no scoring. Nice series, eh? Try again hosers.
Toronto in Six.
Detroit vs St Louis
Or Bloods vs Crips, depending on what neighborhood you live in. Detroit gets the edge because of guys like Fedorov, Lidstrom, Shanahan, Hull, and blah blah blah-diddy blah—who cares? The Red Wings are Charlie Sheen to my Rangers Corey Haim (as if that makes any sense). I imagine that Detroit fans feel the same way about the Yankees that I feel about the Wings. I wish them nothing but pain and suffering. For whatever reason I regard St Louis as a sort-of Rangers West: two rich owners; you can’t spell “Blueshirts” without Blues; both have a strong contingency of Americans; both got burned by the Mike Keane bug; both sport classic jerseys; and both have a roster so stacked that you have to wonder why they can’t seem to put it together. Interesting duel in the nets that features a star goalie playing like crap, and a crap goalie playing like a star. Sarcasm is a stretch here: this series ought to be good. Edge to the Blues only because Eminem has a new album coming out.
St Louis in Seven.
Colorado vs San Jose
The Sharks owe some Thank You notes to Los Angeles for wearing down the Aves and giving them a chance to steal Game One. Not that they needed the help. The weakness of this team all season was getting consistent play from Patrick Marleau, and right now he’s leading the playoffs in scoring. Just ask Wayne Gretzky, this was no boating accident: Aves go in the water, puck goes in the water, Sharks in the water—our Sharks. Scary stuff. On the other side, signs that spring has finally arrived in the Rocky Mountains: business is down at the strip-clubs just outside the Denver Nuggets practice facility, Mike Hampton’s ERA is above 6.50, and Milan Hejduk has been cited for a major traffic infraction. Defending champs have their work cut out for them, but if watching Colorado for the past ten years has taught me anything, its: 1) that you must mention the Little League World Series whenever discussing Chris Drury; 2) that the coolest part of the Hockey Hall of Fame will someday be the Peter Forsberg Wing, closed 51 weeks out of the year; 3) that the Avalanche playoff roster will prominently feature at least five guys you’ve never heard of before; and 4) that no one lulls a team into a false sense of security better than Patrick Roy. Good goaltending wins the series.
Colorado in Six.
Questions? Comments? Lingering issues that require closure? Feel free to send me an email.
Brian
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