OTF SPECIAL – GUEST COLUMN

As all very silly things such as this do, the column which follows had its beginnings in a late night phone conversation. My friend Dan, who will someday curse me for making him a Rangers fan, was suggesting various players for roles in an NHL production of Star Wars. He sent me the full list today, and I have secured permission to share it with you. Enjoy! - Heather

First Edition, Our Heroes:

Luke Skywalker - Dan Blackburn
Too young to be believed (go back and watch the original movie, Mark Hamill was practically pre-pubescent, and Blackburn's freakin' 18!), and possessing a startling surplus of the mystical Force. Blackburn comes from the provinces of darkest Canada (Tatooine) to take the Death Star of Manhattan (MSG) by storm.

Han Solo - Eric Lindros
Courtesy of Starwars.com:

If, at the height of his smuggling days, you told Han Solo that he would be a hero of the Rebellion, fall in love with an Alderaanian princess, and become a general in the Alliance, he would have had no shortage of smart remarks for you. But if anything is consistent in Solo's life, it is unpredictability.

Substitute "at the height of his smuggling days" with "when he was Captain of the Flyers" and "hero of the Rebellion" with "hero of the New York Rangers" and you've pretty much got the Big E's tale right there. And he may even have his Princess in New York . . . (see below)

Chewbacca - Sandy McCarthy
Big and furry, fearsome and physical, all in an age when blasters and lightsabers are readily available. Why are people afraid of an eight foot tall Wookie when they have energy weapons? Must be his laser powered crossbow.

Lando Calrissian - Matthew Barnaby
Han Solo describes him as a, "Card player. Scoundrel. You'll like him." Sound like anyone we know?

Obi-Wan Kanobi - Mark Messier
Who else in the NHL can manage to be over the hill, absolutely revered, and irritatingly smug for an entire 82 game season? And even if he finally dies/retires, you know his ghost/voice will still hold sway over the Rangers fortunes.

Princess Leia Organa - Pavel Bure
Bet you thought I was going to say Petr Nedved, didn't you? But when you think about it Pavel is a better fit. Leia, excusing the bad screenwriting and awful acting, was a very capable young adventurer. Often unappreciated by Star Wars fans despite her many talents, Leia is vital to the plot of the series. And never forget, the Force is strong with this one too... and besides, Bure is the only Ranger who might be able to pull off Leia's gold bikini outfit in Jedi. Finally, don't he and Eric make a cute couple?

C-3P0 - Petr Nedved
Tall, annoying, and cowardly. Usually the first one to fall apart when trouble starts. Amazingly he survives the entire series. Go figure... he must have had naked pictures of Yoda (see below).

R2-D2 - Theo Fleury
For continuity's sake, we would normally have to put in Dvorak... but no one really buys that. For my money, only Theo Fleury could play the feisty and fearless droid. Of course, Theo would have to wear platforms to make up the height difference... but I'm sure costumes and make-up can work something out.

Yoda - Glen Sather
Ancient, powerful, and all knowing. Yoda is also perhaps the most irritating creature in the entire series (well, before the arrival of Jar-Jar Binks). He is even introduced to us living on a backwater planet called Dagobah (sounds like Edmonton to me…) He's a 900 year old super genius who can see into the future and move space ships with the power of his mind. And yet simple English grammar eludes him. He spends most of his screen time complaining about what a dork Luke is, and hitting him with his tiny walking stick for asking stupid questions. Who other than Slats could say lines like, "Try not! Do, or do not. There is no try." and expect to be taken seriously?

Pilot Wedge - Brian Leetch
The only Rebel Fighter Pilot other than Luke Skywalker to fly, and survive, all three original movies. As an interesting 'insiders' note, the actor who played Wedge was, in real life, the uncle of Ewan McGregor, who plays Obi-Wan in the three prequel movies. This means something...but only George Lucas knows what. In the NHL edition though, Wedge would be played Brian Leetch. Leetch has survived an astounding 15 years in the Rangers organization without being traded once. Considering the Blueshirts trade-happy tendencies that is an accomplishment worthy of a standing ovation.

Uncle Owen Lars - JD
The man charged with raising young Skywalker by Obi-Wan before the first installment of the series, he spends most of his time boring the crap out of Luke with farming chores and trying to keep him at home. I can just hear JD making Blackburn take out the garbage and trying to talk him out of buying an apartment in Manhattan next season...

The Ewoks of Endor - The Wolf*Pack of Hartford
Adorable little bundles of marketing power, the Ewoks were largely disliked by the Star Wars faithful, who felt that their presence in Jedi was a rather transparent effort to keep the franchise, "family friendly." But the Ewoks were in fact a race to be reckoned with; diminutive size, limited technology, and adorable appearance not withstanding. In the end, the Ewoks were able to triumph over a garrison of Imperial Storm Troopers and help Han Solo shut down the Shield generator protecting the second Deathstar. Never underestimate the power of the little ones...

Second Edition, Our Villains:

The Emperor Papatine - Gary Bettman
Bettman of course is the head of honcho of the NHL. Under his leadership he has almost single-handedly destroyed a great game. Rampant uncontrolled expansion has diluted the talent pool and stretched finances to the limit. The league is run by a bunch of thugs on skates who are more interested in injuring one another than scoring. Offensive numbers stay suppressed, as do ratings, but hey, at least there isn't a horrible work stoppage coming. Oh wait...

Admiral Motti - Neil Smith
Motti was the commander of the short-lived original Deathstar of the first film. He believed that his grand machine was far more powerful than any vague and mystical force. Darth Vadar educated him otherwise by nearly killing him with a telekinetic choke hold.... Neil Smith was the former commander of the Deathstar of Manhattan (MSG) and believed that the power of MSG's money could overcome any vague thoughts of implementing a defensive system, or confusing concepts like 'player development'... and don't we all wish that Darth Vadar had been around to stop him?

Jar-Jar Binks - Colin Campbell
Brought along for comic relief, Binks managed to not only cost an astonishing amount of money but also to fail miserably at his seemingly simple task. Colin Campbell was hired to manage league discipline and has cost the league a lot with his gross incompetence. Allowing the Toronto Maple Leafs free reign to play 1970's Flyer hockey and allowing everyone else to play suffocation interference-laden hockey has made this season at times unbearable, and these playoffs incredibly irritating. But hey, goalie records are falling like dominoes!

Darth Vadar - Patrick Roy
Let's forget for a moment that both Vadar and Roy are huge and imposing, because of course, many NHL'ers are large. Let's ignore the fact that both wear vast amounts of protective body armor and identity-hiding face guards, because all goalies do. But we must acknowledge that the force is strong with both men. And everyone knows they are both drawing on the Dark Side. Does any player in the NHL radiate an aura of evil and menace better than Patrick Roy? And just think of the possibilities for plot twists. When the playoffs come around, Patrick can finally be revealed as Blackburn’s father!

Jabba the Hut - Bobby Clarke
Powerful, disgusting, and evil. Feared and despised by everyone with a hockey stick, lightsaber, or blaster. Secretly we all know he wants to get his slimy hands on Pavel Bure's gorgeous scoring touch. And he's got a bit of a history with our Han Solo...

Darth Maul - Pavel Brendl
Imposing and at times terrifying, Maul's tattooed face was everywhere marketing the new Star Wars trilogy. Hyped to the ceiling fans expected nothing less than the second coming of Darth Vadar. Brendl of course was the massively hyped 4th overall pick of the Rangers. Referred to as the 'prize of the system' and a can't-miss-prospect, Brendl was traded to the hated Flyers in the Lindros deal to the screams of fear and anguish of Rangers fans everywhere. But when the curtain finally went up on the movie/season, Maul/Brendl wasn't much but a cool sounding name, and Maul's 7 minutes of screen time actually exceeded Brendl's ice time in Philadelphia. Just goes to show you, never trust a marketing campaign.

Bobba Fett - Jeremey Roenick
He and Han Solo also have a bit of a history... but basically he's just a paid mercenary who wishes he had a speaking role. Or a face. Or that anyone would mistake him for a serious player in the original series... but wait, just around the corner he'll become a big deal in the latest movie. Hopefully it's because he's going to be stomped rather graphically by Obi-Wan.

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