Colorado vs. Detroit, A Running Account

THERE IS NO greater spectacle in the world of sports than a Game Seven in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but Colorado-Detroit figured to be one the premier match-ups of the past decade. Two rosters stacked with All-Stars and Hall of Famers. Rabid fans in a historic arena. A classic goaltender duel. For these reasons I decided to record, moment-by-moment, all the highlights (and lowlights) of this evening’s event. So dim the lights, turn on the smoke machines, ready the lasers, and cue up the Andrew WK: it’s Avalance vs. Wings, Game Seven, Western Conference Finals!

(And yes, I am well aware that this is a shameless plagiarism job on the “running diary” technique that’s ably employed by ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons. What can I say? It’s a great idea and I’m not very creative. And I’m very lazy. But consider it a tribute, a homage if you will. At least that’s what I’m telling my lawyers.)

7:01--Welcome to the fabulous Joe Louis Arena in beautiful downtown Detroit, murder capital of the US, 1987-1995. Our broadcast is sponsored by four skunky Bud Lights left over from Memorial Day. I also have a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice on hand, in case the game goes to overtime or I decide to date-rape myself later.

7:02--Tonight’s announcers are the venerable Bill Clement and the apoplectic Gary Thorne, the NHL’s answer to Bert and Ernie. Also joining the festivities are Darren Pang from ice-side and Brian Engblom, transmitting apparently from the Spacestation Mir. Engblom looks like he spent the day soaking in bleach. His eyes are shut tighter than Milan Hejduk’s sphincter. Three Stanley Cup rings and the guy is totally powerless without his glasses. Hockey is an interesting game.

7:03--Clement: “To me it’s all quite simple when you think about it: the guy that lets the fewest pucks behind him will advance.” Thank you, you’ve been a great audience. Remember to tip your servers on the way out.

7:04--Thorne: “Tickets were going for as much as $1100 just to see this one game. Because it features grinders and stars, who have performed and made mistakes, who scored and couldn’t score, who tried to get momentum and it wouldn’t come. What they ended up with? 3-3, and a Game Seven.” No one reads copy over a video highlight promo piece like Gary Thorne. NO ONE.

7:06--A very excited Darren Pang, looking more and more like Scott Hamilton each day, welcomes the home team to the ice: “And here they come! Led by Hasek! And here comes the triple lutz. Yes! He nails it! What a moment!” OK, I made the last part up.

7:09--Our first commercial break gives me a chance to voice my take on the series. I had Colorado winning the Cup the minute the swelling went down in Peter Forsberg’s foot, but then coach Bob Hartley challenges of width of Dominik Hasek’s stick in Game Six—a desperate bush-league tactic on home ice, up in the series and only down by two goals with plenty of time on the clock—and my entire opinion changed. As a player, a stick-challenge is demoralizing and embarrassing; as an opponent, it’s pure motivation. Now I hope the Wings tear Hartley a new one.

7:11--Alex Tanguay and Mike Keane re-inserted into the Colorado lineup. Apparently the Ave’s hired Mr. Miyagi as their trainer yesterday.

7:14--The puck drops…and only 26 seconds in we get our first useless ESPN infographic. Brought to you by the good people at VH1’s “Pop-Up Video.” Detroit is known as Hockeytown. Also known as Motown, after the record label founded by Berry Gordy in the mid-60s. One of Motown’s first stars was Diana Ross. Diana Ross recently checked herself into rehab. In Detroit. Also known as Hockeytown.

7:15--Play is currently delayed as technicians remove “octopi sludge” from the ice. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: The NHL is OUT-freakin’-STANDING.

7:17--ESPN does everything it can to alienate hardcore hockey fans, but there is nothing more annoying than their video montages of flashbacks in the series. I think my ADD just kicked in. Time to change the channel.

7:18--We join the Nets-Celtics, Game Six, already in progress. Big news out of the Boston is that not only did Jason Kidd’s wife pull a Willis Reed and show up at the Fleet Center, but she’s also shooting 7-9 from the field. Simply incredible.

7:21--Back at the Joe. Bonus points go to Detroit for using Weezer’s “Dope Noise” during the stoppages. Makes my list for best use of tunes this season, right there with St. Louis blaring Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak” after every penalty, Ottawa blasting Blur’s “Song 2” after every goal, and the Rangers playing Nirvana’s “I Hate Myself and Want to Die” every time Petr Nedved stepped on the ice.

7:23--Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomas Holmstrom—a first teamer on the NHL’s All-Ugly Team—off a deflection. Holmstrom, incidentally, is Swedish for “barreling nutsack.” Look it up.

7:24--The more I hear Andrew WK, the more I think I should have opted for that fifth year of college. God I’m old.

7:27--Gooooooaaaaaaaallllll!!! Sergei Fedorov with a knuckleball slapper that seemed to stun Patrick Roy. Collective “Uh-Oh” from Colorado. Heads are down at the Colorado bench. Bob Hartley is eying the curve in Brendan Shanahan’s stick. Things could get ugly.

7:30--No one saw this coming. The Avalanche down by two in the first five minutes. Patrick Roy, the man that invented Game Seven clutch, falling to pieces. The hockey world is in a state of shock, except for maybe us Ranger fans. This kind of horror is nothing new. Give us a call when you’re down by five and Joe Sakic starts flipping off the crowd.

7:32--Gooooaaaallll!! Lucky Luc Robitaille, finally making an appearance in the boxscore. Sometime in the distant future John Buccigross will introduce Luc Robitaille as one of the premier wings in the game and I will have to shoot out my TV. My head hurts just thinking about it. Meanwhile, Roy looks shakier than Harry Dean Stanton on a Tilt-A-Whirl. The Aves need a timeout. So do I.

7:33--Nets update: Mike Gminski just burst into the Fleet Center, drunk and disheveled like Dennis Hopper in “Hoosiers,” screaming at Todd McCulloch. You just hate to see stuff like that happen.

7:36--Gooaaalll!! Holmstrom again. Start the bus.

7:38--Bill Clement, noting how close Tomas Holmstron is to a natural hat-trick, went out of his way to call him “Half-Way Holmstrom.” He then went into a two minute monologue about former vice-president Dan Quayle, made some glib observations about OJ Simpson, and finally posed the question, “And what’s the deal with airplane food?” The Ave’s aren’t the only ones bombing.

7:39--Milan Hejduk—scoreless since being pulled over for doing 120 MPH on the freeway—and I can’t think of a single decent joke to add here. This is going to be a long night.

7:44--Mercilessly, the period ends, 4-0. Barry Melrose, who knows a thing or two about the bush leagues, claims that Bob Hartley’s stick challenge is the turning point in the series. Couldn’t agree more. Of course, a stick challenge had the complete opposite effect on Barry’s team and practically won Montreal the Cup in 1993. Did I have a point here? I wonder what the Nets are doing.

7:49--Buck Williams, in full uniform, plexi-goggles and all, just snuck his way courtside and stole a seat along the New Jersey bench. The Nets are confused, unsure of what to do. Brian Scalabrine is waving towards security.

7:51--Barry Melrose and John Saunders are doing a between-periods piece about the resurgence of Luc Robitaille. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go slam my genitals into a car door.

7:56--The perfect punishment for Ranger fans this offseason is having to watch that Powerade commercial throughout the playoffs—you know, the one that shows footage of Igor Ulanov looking dejectedly to the sky after apparently doing something butt-stupid to cost his team a goal. I realistically couldn’t tell you what game that might have been because he did that at least three times a night. He said the problem was that he wasn’t getting enough playing time. Seriously. And then we somehow traded him for Pavel Bure. The NHL is pretty f’ed up sometimes.

7:57--Start of the second, and Gary Thorne sums it up: “It is indescribable, what the Avalanche have to do right now.” They have to score two goals in each period and hold the Wings to none. Sounds pretty describable to me. I’ll take “Wild Hyperboles” for $1100, Alex.

8:09--Gooaall! Brett Hull. Power play. This isn’t even fun anymore. Back to the Nets.

8:14--If the Nets win this game and go to the NBA Finals, they should really have a ceremony to honor all the first round busts that they’ve selected over the years. “Ladies and gentleman, the Continental Arena would like to welcome back, the #3 pick in the 1987 draft…Dennis Hopson! And from UCLA, #9 in the draft, #1 in your heart, give it up for…Ed O’Bannon. And the big man, the beast with the least, the toast with the most, the amazingly inept…Yinnnnnnkaaaaaa Dareeeeee! Dar-eeeee!” Too fun.

8:23--Goal! Freddy Olausson. And Patrick Roy has just left the building. Wow. He looks confused, dazed, surprised. Like a guy that just woke up in a dumpster (um, not that I would know what that’s like).

8:25--Roy is sure to get crucified for his showboat “Statue of Liberty” technique that probably cost his team a goal in Game Six, even though the save that led to said criticism was a stop that 99% of the goalies in the world don’t make. Kind of sad how a legend becomes a goat for making one bad decision on an otherwise phenomenal play. I’d sort of feel bad for the guy if I didn’t think he was an absolute raging scumbag.

8:29--Hey, how come no one ever talks about all those years that Scotty Bowman spent in Buffalo? Just curious.

8:33--Rob Blake just waived his water-bottle towards the training staff and ordered another Jack and Coke. Sans Coke.

8:37--With 4:21 left in the second period, it’s time for the obligatory “Steve Yzerman’s leg is hurt but his heart is strong” speech from Thorne and Clement. I’ve only heard this 521 times in this post-season. Enough with the Captain Courageous stuff. Please. I get it. He’s great, he’s tough. If there’s an afterlife, I swear that Robert Louis Stevenson has a serious ass-kicking coming his way.

8:39--OK, Bill Clement just sang a few bars of James Taylor’s “Going to Carolina” and I suddenly realized that I’m wayyyyyy too sober to experience this. Time to hit the Smirnoff Ice.

8:41--Mmmmmmmmmm…Hard lemonade.

8:42--Back at the Fleet Center, Nets out in front. Does anyone remember the season where the entire New Jersey roster got hurt and they were more or less pulling people in replica jerseys out of the stands just to field a team. Jay Kidd is amazing, but those guys will forever be my vision of the Nets: Derrick Coleman sulking, Jayson Williams hurt, and Butch Beard on the sidelines, yelling things like, “You, in the jeans and workboots! Box out! Box out!!!”

8:44--Just drinking out loud here: Wouldn’t it be a perfect ad gimmick if someone handed Patrick Roy a Mike’s Hard Lemonade right about now? Sales would triple. I should be in marketing.

8:47--My headline for tomorrow’s Denver Post: Avalanche Get Plowed…Motor City Massacre…The Colorado Crud-Slide. This is a work in progress.

8:59--Tragic moment of the night: I just realized that I taped over the Alyssa Milano soft-porn vehicle “Embrace of the Vampire” to record this stinker for posterity. I feel like I gave up six goals in Game Seven. Thank God for the hard lemonade.

8:57--Start of the third and I’m wondering to myself: why wouldn’t Colorado pull their goalie to start the period. I mean, I know the answer—pride, respect for the game, blah blah blah—but I still think it’s a decent idea. Would it seriously be all that embarrassing if the team took a chance and played desperate hockey for once in the game? And if it doesn’t work, at least it’s something to laugh about over the summer. Is it that much worse than challenging a goalie’s stick? I don’t know.

9:02--Screw this, I’m watching the Nets.

9:04--Lucious Harris just turned to Tony Delk and threatened to eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Good stuff.

9:07--Colorado scores a goal. Chris Drury. Man is he clutch. Oh wait, they’re waving it off. Et tu, Mr. Video Replay Judge. Bryan Trottier is on the bench, faxing his resume to Glen Sather.

9:11--Goal. Pavel Datsyuk, which I believe is Russian for some sort of condiment. “Please pass the Datsyuk. Spasibo, comrade.” Meanwhile, Pierre Lacroix has asked the refs to go to running time.

9:16--ESPN just ran a promo for their World Cup coverage of Uraguay vs. Denmark. After all the hype, after all the trash talk, all the bitter exchanges and slanted rhetoric, finally, FINALLY, the great Uraguay/Denmark debate can be settled. Hockey fans need to know about this, by the way.

9:25--Jump to the Nets game finds Antoine Walker blowing two crucial foul shots at the end of the game. That humming sound you hear is Phil Mushnick’s typewriter warming up.

9:29--Van Horn for three………… YES! It counts! The Nets are in the NBA Finals. Pigs are flying, hell is freezing.

9:36--And in Detroit, it’s over, it’s all over. Thank God. 7-0. I’ve had better times at the dentist. Roy looks like he’s been staring at a strobe light for the last two hours. This is probably the most humiliating beating an athlete has taken this year that didn’t involve Tawny Kitaen

9:38--Actual transcript from Dominik Hasek’s postgame interview: “It’s a great feeling…building is burning…very happy this time…pancakes hoist the stein…river rats frisk the lightning brigade…UFO deejays ate my creamsicles…streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers…I buried Paul…”

9:45--And that’s that. Detroit meets Carolina for the Stanley Cup, also known around the ESPN offices as “The Sum of All Fears.” The town best known for the production of cars meets the place where said cars accumulate on front lawns in various states of disrepair. See you at the finals. And now if you’ll excuse me, my Smirnoff Ice needs refreshing.

Questions? Comments? Lingering issues that require closure? Feel free to drop me an email.
Brian

Recent Articles Road Trip Pics

Web Hockeybird.com