Game Five: A Running Commentary

This went over pretty well the last time I did it, so I guess I’ll try it again. But bear in mind, I haven’t really been watching. Too many newsworthy things happening in Rangerland to devote my full attention to a moot point. Despite what some slack-jawed yokels from Mayberry may think, this series was all but a formality after Patrick Roy’s meltdown in the Western Conference finals. Even Paul Maurice has adjusted his pre-Cup goals down to looking “classy”, giving all his players’ equal time, and making sure that everyone has fun. But I also have a problem with the Wings, or rather the predictability of their moment. They were the universal preseason favorite, ran through the regular season like crap through a goose, and were really only remotely challenged in the playoffs by one team (who they outscored in the final two games, 9-0). So where’s the hook?

And what’s worse, the Wings haven’t even been interesting in their dominance. They’ve been businesslike, focused, almost surgical. They’ve avoided distraction. They’ve shunned the media. They respect their opponent enough not to grant them any kind of ammo to use against them. They’re been the consummate professional sports team. Yawn. Borrrrrrrrrrr-ing. Still, where’s the hook?

And even their handful of players that haven’t won the Cup in their illustrious careers aren’t worth pulling for. Does anyone not named Dominik Hasek want to see Dominik Hasek win a Stanley Cup? He’s the anti-Bourque: a dominant first-ballot Hall of Famer who should be doomed to spend his entire career as a bridesmaid—only in Hasek’s case he really deserves it. And don’t get me started on Luc Robitaille. God how I hate Luc Robitaille.

So, as you can tell, I’m only slightly intrigued by this year’s Stanley Cup. Let’s put it this way: if “Friends” weren’t in repeats, or if STARZ were running “Bring It On” again, this column wouldn’t exist. But, alas, I’m a fan. And this is an NHL moment. So without further ado…

8:00—WELCOME TO HOCKEYTOWN. Game Five, appearing live on national TV, courtesy of the American Broadcast Company. ABC is, of course, owned by the Disney Corporation, which happens to be enjoying a nice profit surge thanks to the increase in the NHL television ratings. Disney is also the principal owner of their own NHL franchise, The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim—a woefully under-funded team that perennially accuses management of cutting the funds necessary to compete in order to increase profit margins. So ABC makes money on the popularity of other teams, and then saves money by cost-cutting their own team, which ironically makes the Ducks a pathetic speed-bump for these popular elite squads to beat upon during the regular season. Hmmmmm. There’s a point here that I’m trying to make, but I haven’t quite hit upon it. Maybe later…

8:01—Tonight’s “Between Periods” is brought to by a six-pack of Saranac Mountain Berry Ale, which is a fitting beverage to bid adieu, or rather “y’all come back now”, to the Carolina Hurricanes. They both are reasonably priced, they both do all the little things right, they both have a perfect blend of old and new flavor, and they both really grow on you once you get to know them. Unfortunately, both are also limited editions and won’t be around much longer. Enjoy them while you can. Mmmmmmmmmm.

8:02—Keifer Sutherland, surprisingly available, has been doing the pregame voice-overs for the Stanley Cup finals. “What are you gonna do, shoot us all? Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. William H Bonney, you are not a God! Today is a good day to die.” Thus concludes Kiefer Sutherland’s career.

8:05—Al “Do You Believe in Miracles?” Michaels and the incomparable John Davidson get the task of breaking down the game. JD’s keys for a Carolina victory? 1) Strong neutral zone play; 2) Satanic intervention; and 3) Lots and lots of flubber.

8:07—Reason #541 of why the NHL season is too long: Mr. Gary Thorne. I’m hearing his voice in my sleep. Staccato rhythm spiked by sudden inflection, interspersed with meaningless details about Steve Yzerman’s knee. Saturday night was literally a five hour nightmare. By double OT my veins were throbbing, blood spurting from my eyes like in “Scanners”. Thank God it ends tonight.

8:09—Darren Pang interviews Scotty Bowman before they drop the puck. I like Bowman. He’s got a grandpa quality to him, doesn’t he? Couldn’t you see him on the bench, asking Pavel Datsyuk to pull his finger?

8:13—And we’re underway at The Joe.

8:14—If I were Jim Rutherford, GM of the Hurricanes, my Stanley Cup strategy would have been to sign Anna Kornikova to a ten day contract, and then have her make out with Sami Kapenen on the bench, just to get inside Sergei Fedorov’s head. Or better yet, I’d put her down low on the power play, have her lift her shirt the minute the puck was dropped, and then score during the ensuing confusion. It amazes me that NHL guys don’t think these things up.

8:17—The most interesting match-up of the series is in the stands between the two owners. Peter Karmanos, who will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, versus Mike “Pizza Pizza” Ilitch, who may or may not live off of human blood. I don’t want to get sued for slander, but if I had any kids, I wouldn’t let Ilitch anywhere near them. I’m just saying, is all.

8:19—Our first stoppage gives me a chance to introduce the “God Am I Old” Rant of the Week. If you’re a musician in a band that: 1) uses a school choir in the chorus of any of your songs; 2) makes gurgling animal noises in a microphone; or 3) have a video directed by, are feuding with, or are dating someone once impregnated by Fred Durst of Limp Bizcuit—then YOUR BAND SUCKS. Case closed. And play resumes.

8:21—Hey, it’s Jiri Slegr. Look kids! It’s Jiri Slegr! Yes, THE Jiri Slegr! Highlight of my night is going to be the awkward silence that ensues when Slegr is given his moment to dance around the ice with the Stanley Cup. Even Scotty Bowman’s going to wonder, “Who’s that guy?”

8:28—I guarantee that Archie Irbe is asked once a week to do a Yvon Barrette impression from Slapshot. “You go to zee box. You feel shame. Then you get free.” Tough little guy, adequate playoff beard, great helmet.

8:31—Game Four replay of Jiri Fischer performing spot dentistry on Tommy Westlund, embarrassingly missed by all four (FOUR!!!) referees. The worse the NHL officiating gets, the more and more I’m looking forward to Jim Schoenfeld behind the Rangers bench.

8:34—First good scoring chance goes to Detroit, with Luc Robitaille ringing a snapshot off the post. I don’t have a joke or anything but, well, since I’m here, I’d just like to say again that I think Robitaille licks donkey scrotum.

8:35—Highlight of my hockey season has been the Bud Light Hockey Falls commercials. God bless you mullet-headed boys! You’ve encouraged me to drink irresponsibly throughout the season, even when I really didn’t want to. Me and my cirrhotic liver salute you. Now go away forever.

8:39—Ridiculous stat on the screen about the age of Paul Maurice. Literally 12 years old when he first took the Carolina job. Bonus points to him for canceling out the old person smell that Ron Francis emits in the locker room.

8:45—It’s official, Mike Ilitch creeps me out.

8:51—Irbe stops Fedorov on the breakaway. Missed the hole between Irbe’s legs by a good two feet. No wonder why Anna broke up with him (bud dum bump—crash).

8:58—End of one, 0-0. Conservative period, not very thrilling; a microcosm of the series so far. Time for another Mountain Berry Ale.

9:01—There is nothing on TV. No wonder why ratings are up.

9:11—Start of the second. Does anyone realize how bad the Red Wings were after the prime of Gordy Howe but before Steve Yzerman? Hard to imagine that for a twenty year stretch the Red Wings only made the playoffs four times, losing in the first round three of those times. I am therefore dedicating this Red Wing season to Vaclav Nedomansky.

9:15—Goooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!! Tomas Holmstrom with the redirect of old man Igor Larionov’s pass. Simple little play. In the off-season, Holmstrom likes to store nuts in his cheekbones for the coming winter. Just thought you’d like to know.

9:19—Why do we party? Why do we act like fools? Why do we flirt? Why do we order large wings when a medium will do? Because we’re drunk. Because we’re drunk drunk drunk. Because we’re drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk drunk. I’m going to miss all the commercials directed at the average sports fan.

9:22—And now we have the infamous Igor Ulanov PowerAid commercial. Ugh. I hope Bryan Trottier uses this film as motivation for next season. Is there anything more embarrassing than being exposed as the guy that doesn’t have enough electrolytes to be a winner? Obviously “it” wasn’t in Igor this season, whatver “it” may be.

9:24—Goooooaaaaaaaaaaalllll! Brendan Shanahan. The speakers blare an Irish jig. Suddenly it’s St Patrick’s Day. It would be great if the Wings just locked arms and did a little River Dance thing at this point.

9:31—(After further review) Goooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaallllll!!! Jeff O’Neill. And it’s a power play goal. Next season when I draft my fantasy hockey team I’m ranking players based solely on the quality of their beards.

9:37—End of two, 2-1. Interesting third period awaits. Peter Karmanos is pacing nervously, telling strangers, “No you didn’t see me on Oprah and, no, I can’t give you a life strategy or fix your relationships.”

9:43—Barry Melrose, doing another “Here’s why I love Luc Robitaille” piece. Pardon my vomit. Why don’t you mention that three year black hole he spent in the Eastern Conference, cashing checks on Gretzky’s wing while the guys we traded for him were making all-star teams? How great was the game’s “best left winger” then, Barry? Huh? (Obviously I’m still a little bitter about Luc costing #99 that final fifth ring in 1993 and 1996. It just isn’t fair that the guy can mooch on to one of the most well-assembled squads of the past two decades. Hockey is pretty f’ed up sometimes.)

10:02—Would it damage the NHL’s credibility if Lord Stanley were revealed to be this effete pompous English wanker? “Pip pip. Good show, old chap. In the name of the Queen, I hereby award you this shiny cup. Now, I say, where’s my tea and crumpets?” OK, I’m officially drunk.

10:15—Octopi on the ice. And why isn’t this a penalty again?

10:18—Last commercial observation of the season: the Stolichaya Citrona “Should I Stay or Should I Go” ad. Take it from me, this is manipulative false advertising at its worst. Nothing good ever comes from the decision to “stay”. Models do not instantly appear on you lap. Only ugliness can occur at this point. One minute you’re sitting around waiting for something to happen and suddenly you wake up in the middle of a strawberry field, inside a shanty tent next to a migrant worker named Pedro. Trust me, I lived that way for three years. (OK, the bar is officially closed for me.)

10:20—Artie Irbe out the net. Captain Crunch time. What will happen?

10:21—Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaallll!! Brendan Shanahan. Irish eyes are smiling. Shanahan is the Lord of the Dance.

10:22—AND DETROIT WINS THE STANLEY CUP! DETROIT WINS! Yawn.

10:23—OK, I guess they earned this. I’ll give them a moment.

10:25—Scotty Bowman, strapping on the blades. Nice stuff.

10:26—This needs to be said for posterity: someday the vision of Steve Yzerman hoisting the Cup with blood trickling down his face will be used as a marketing tool to express the toughness and dedication it takes to win the trophy. He got the cut celebrating. Needs to be said.

10:29—Has a multi-champion ever said that the current victory didn’t match up with a previous one. Wouldn’t it be great if Yzerman said, “1996 was a great year, but this year? I dunno. It kinda sucked ass.”

10:31—If that’s Mike Ilitch’s real hair, I write for The NY Times.

10:33—Conn Smythe goes to…Nick Lidstrom. Nick Lidstrom? (Sigh) Sometimes I really really REALLY hate the NHL.

10:34—Why is Paul Simon handing Steve Yzerman the Stanley Cup?

10:36—Another nice touch: Yzerman hands the Cup first to Scotty Bowman. Thanks, Pop.

10:37—Yzerman hands the Cup to Hasek, who hands the Cup to Luc Robitaille, who hands it to Freddy Olausson, etc. This has all been scripted, by the way.

10:38—Gary Thorne: “This isn’t scripted.”

10:39—Someday Jiri Slegr will get to tell his grandkids about winning the Stanley Cup. “I spent six months in the trainer’s room for an expansion team. Then I got traded to Detroit and spent another two months in their trainer’s room. Then one of the regular defensemen did something stupid and got suspended, so I had to play. It was Game Five. Nothing was on the line. I finished +1 with 2 shots on goal. It was the greatest moment of my life.”

10:41—Well, chalk up another nice moment ruined by people’s inexplicable need to involve their children. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: hockey peaked in the summer of 1994, back when Mike Keenan kidnapped all his player’s kids and had them imprisoned in a dungeon under The Garden.

10:43—Hasek’s victory transcript: Such a feeling…good feeling…feeling good…work hard for hard work…for feeling good…teammates have hemorrhoids…space genies have me by the brain banana…weasels ripped my flesh…two months and the wok is greasy…tumble wash dry…gotta lose you mind in Detroit, rock city…we are the hollow men…heads made of straw…I am Hasek, hear me roar…if there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now…it’s just a spring clean for the May queen…Potvin sucks…

10:45—I guess I should say something about Scotty Bowman’s announcement that he’s finished with the NHL after this final Cup win. Good guy, loves hockey, knows how to get his stars to perform. Is that enough?

10:47—AND, finally, congrats to the Detroit Red Wings, who proved that all it takes to win the Stanley Cup these days is preseason hype, a dominant regular season, 12 future Hall of Famers, an unlimited budget, and the greatest coach in the history of the sport. Way to make the entire NHL season a complete exercise in inevitability.

And wow if you’ll excuse me, I have to go readjust to a world not narrated by Gary Thorne.

Questions? Comments? Lingering issues that require closure? Feel free to drop me an email.

Brian

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