“Between Periods” Shakes the 8-Ball for Your Free Agent Predictions

I am not a pre-cog. I can’t foretell the future. Had I been around in the time of Julius Caesar, on March 15th I would have flashed him a double thumbs-up and told him he was “Lookin’ good.” Nostradamus is a horse I lost money on in 1997. ESP is the learning disability that kept me out of the Ivy League. I don’t pretend to know anything about the future, I have no crystal ball or bubbling cauldron of magical soup. Laying my hockey cards out in Tarot fashion only proved that the Death card is closer to Mark Messier than the Seven of Cups. All I have is a column. And some free time. And a pressing need to speculate. Oh how I can speculate.

So who will end up where when the free-agent floodgates open at 12:01, July 1st, or better yet, who will end up on Broadway? Between Periods, serviceable and always on the cusp of originality, has broken down the potential destinations of each high caliber UFA and listed where we feel each one will land. What rational did we use? Our methods are based on a combination of Gottlob Frege’s system of symbolic logic, an intense analysis of NHL statistics courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau, serious big-time investigative reporting, several candles, a lock of Barry Melrose's mullet, and one decapitated chicken. In other words, I pulled these ideas out of my ass. But I did apply three very basic rules when making my final predictions:

1) Every team not named Tampa Bay at least tries to improve themselves in the offseason.

2) Budgets determine everything.

3) The Rangers ALWAYS find a way to screw this up.

So with these three simple rules in mind, I offer my (ahem) well-researched prognostications about where each big name free agent will end up. But before I begin, two things. 1) I’m a Rangers fan, and I want nothing more than NY to sign every possible big name that they can. Ideally their second unit is Holik centering Amonte and Guerin, with Chelios and Kasparaitis on the blue-line. But it ain’t gonna happen. So let’s move on. 2) I have no vested interest in this, no relationship with any of the players involved, and like most writers I do this only because I love the sound of my own voice. And when the dust settles by Monday afternoon, I’m sure I’ll be the only one on the planet that takes the time to figure out how accurate I was. Maybe those calculations will become another column. Maybe two columns, if I’m lucky.

So without further ado...

Bobby Holik--Prediction: Resigns with Devils
And a collective “Noooooooooo!” reverberates from the Garden faithful. Here’s my logic: every team in the league would love to add Holik and the 230 pounds of grime that he brings with him, but only one team in the league actually NEEDS him, and that’s the New Jersey Devils. With an entire roster balanced around him, two high-paid future Hall of Famers that hate to lose, and a new cranky taskmaster coach, it's unfathomable that they go into the 2002 season with a 112 year-old Joe Nieuwendyk—who’s knees should have come with a complementary ratchet set and a case of WD-40—as their number one center. They're owned by George Steinbrenner, for God's sake! Not to mention that they got hammered last season for letting Alex Mogilny go. I can’t see how the “genius” Lou Lamorello, who shouldn’t be confused with the nincompoop that traded for Alexander Zyuzin, can afford to let his bread and butter go over a couple of million. I imagine the money for Holik suddenly surfaces after Petr Sykora is traded to Chicago. (On a side note, the Devils definitely would have sent Sykora to Tampa for the #4 pick in the last draft, had TB actually bothered to pick up the phone. Worst franchise in sports—even the Expos are making a run for the playoffs!) Another possible destination for Holik is Washington, not because he's a good fit for Jagr and Co., but because I think Ted Leonis reads the NY Post.

Bill Guerin--Prediction: Signed by the Dallas Stars
Didn’t they announce this deal already? Guerin will cost about $2 million more than he’s worth, but from what I hear, they do everything big in Texas. Another guy that Ranger fans are going to moan over, maybe rightly so. And if this happens, I definitely don't want to the defenseman facing the Guerin-Arnott-Morrow line. Dallas could be a verrrrrry scary team this season. Losing Guerin, by the way, is going to give Rick Pitino a chance to hand down his Bucky Dent “I f’ed a Boston Franchise” award to Mike O’Connell, especially after Jason Allison wins the MVP award this season.

Curtis Joseph--Prediction: Signed by New York Rangers
Sather likes him, Cujo likes Sather, coming to NY finally makes Cujo a star, NY upgrades in goal and gets slightly younger (and healthier) in return, fans get a great nickname to chant, etc. The offer will blow everything out of the water, and probably inspire another round of "The Rangers Are Ruining Hockey" articles from ever writer north of the border. Whatever. The guy almost stole the Eastern Conference title by himself, and Toronto is still trying to nickle and dime him to death. He'll make a splendid Ranger, but on the downside...

Mike Richter--Prediction: Signed by Detroit
I'm not buying the rumors that have Bobby Clarke and the Flyers making a solid offer. I like Detoit: they need a goalie, Mike's ethic should play well with the vet squad, he's got some Midwest in him (as a former UM Badger), they don't swell their payroll so they can sign (or more importantly resign) someone else, and he fits well as the feel-good story to follow during their inevitable Cup run. I think it's time for everyone to move on, plus it's an unspoken rule that MSG must have at least one teary Garden tribute every season and I don't think the montage of Igor Ulanov blunders would have gone over well. Second Rangers backstop legend let go to Detroit, if it happens.

Chris Chelios--Prediction: Resigns with Detroit
Lots of common sense goes into this one. Chelly has plenty of money, so that shouldn't be a factor. Detroit wants him back, so that shouldn't be a factor. Detroit will be competitive all season even if Chelly decides to mail it in until the playoffs, so that shouldn't be a factor. What does NY have to offer Chelios, aside from the chance to end his career under a chorus of boos? The chance to fulfill his lifelong dream of being teammates with Dave Karpa? The chance to go -25 with Brian Leetch as his partner? Please let Chelios die somewhere else, Slats. If Messier resigns, our average player age will go through the roof. We'll be the only NHL team sponsored by the AARP.

Teemu Selanne--Prediction: Signed by NY Rangers
Why not? I see them losing out on the Guerin sweepstakes. They obviously need some wings. Selanne fits the mold for a NYR signing--offensively talented but flakey, semi-soft, prone to nagging injuries, about three years removed from his career peak. He could work out too, if the coaching staff stays off his back. He was great in the Olympics too, back when he had umlauts on his jersey. And I think it's high time that NY signs someone with a silly name again. There's been a void ever since we traded Mike Hurlbut.

Tony Amonte--Prediction: Signed by Islanders
Isles will sign somebody; I think Mr. Wang got a little juiced at hearing the crowd at the Coliseum during the playoffs. They trimmed some payroll by trading Mrszrzz Czrkwkskzkrski, and they can probably trim some more (would anyone like Garth Snow? anyone? ANYONE?) Amonte is a decent fit, though his best years are probably behind him, and as a Ranger killer, he'll make Mad Mike Milbury happy. Of course, if they sign Amonte, they can't sign Darius Kasparaitis, which means...

Darius Kasparaitis--Prediction: Signed by New York Rangers
I need this to happen, because DK is easily on the top five all-watchability list for the NHL. Comedy on and off the ice. The fans need this to happen. Nothing stokes the Garden fires quite like a big body-rocking hit, and Kasper's got plenty to spare. Eric Lindros needs this to happen. It's always good to make a teammate of the guy that likes to throw your fragile first-line center through the boards. And the Rangers need this to happen. He's the physical intimidating blueline presence that the Rangers lack, he works every night, he prods and pokes and annoys--anyone remember that elbow from the top turnbuckle that Jan Hlavac tried to throw at Kasper a few years ago?--and, above all, he does more things right than he does wrong. And he isn't 87 years old like Chris Chelios. Do the right thing, Slats. Do the right thing.

Byron Dafoe--Prediction: Signed by Toronto
I'm having a tough time justifying this one. Basically the Leafs will desperately need a goalie if they lose Cujo and he'll be the best one available. Otherwise, I have no material on Dafoe, other than he's fairly consistent and was named after George Gordon, better known as Lord Byron. "The lapse of ages changes all things--time, language, the earth, the bounds of the sea, the stars of the sky, and every thing 'about, around, and underneath' man, except man himself." I once wrote a paper in Grad School about Lord Byron. He did a lot of drugs. Did I have a point here?

Robert Lang--Prediction: Signed by Washington
Another guy I have no angle on. Just lump me in with the rest of the NHL media, who seem to leave Lang off the list of premier UFAs. Dollar for dollar, might end up being the best player available. Jagr needs a center, Lang worked out well in the past--you do the math. Seriously. I can't add. I have a pathological fear of the number 6. I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Eddie Belfour--Prediction: Signed by ?????
I can't rationally imagine any situation where a team would actually want Belfour. He's too old and wacky for anyone in the lower half of the league to want him, and with the deep market he's too unstable and unpredictable for anyone in the upper half to want to take a shot at him. And I don't mean to knock the Eagle, but as anyone in Dallas will tell you, he's coming off a horrible season, which is never a good sign for a veteran goalie with "issues." The only team nutty enough to sign him would be Philly, and given that Ken Hitchcock still curses Belfour in his sleep, that isn't going to happen. Maybe Chicago would have interest, though I don't think that anyone ever comes back to play for Bill Wirtz. Maybe Keenan gives him a shot, just to work him into game shape and dump him later for prospects. I don't know. I just don't know, dammit. What do I look like--the freakin Oracle at Delphia?

Theo Fleury--Prediction: Signed by Ringling Brothers Circus
I'll say this once: every single team in the league could use Theo Fleury, including the New York Rangers. He's got All-Star credentials, he's tough as nails, and he's the greatest show on ice. Maybe he'll play in Phoenix. Maybe he'll play in Europe. Maybe he'll play for some South California roller hockey team. Maybe he'll wander the desert until the mothership shows up and takes him home. You just never know with crazy Theo. That's what makes him so great. And now he's gone. Who's going to teach obscene gestures to all the young kids at MSG? Who's going to be NY's enforcer when those pesky out of town mascots start their taunts? And who's going to teach everyone how do the Chicken Dance? (Sigh) I miss Theo already.

Recent Articles Road Trip Pics

Web Hockeybird.com