Hockeybird.com: Throwing Ducks At Balloons

"It is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." (Luke 18:25)

"It's probably also easier than winning the Mercedes-Benz Shooting Stars contest at MSG." (Chris 12:13pm)

The off-season is a good time to discuss those aspects of the Garden experience that even many of us who attend games may never see. After the buzzer, while many of us are buying new beers (or returning used beers), there's activity on the ice. Today, I'll talk a bit about some of the contests that go on during the intermissions.

Most of these contests involve people who (ideally) have never touched a hockey stick shooting the puck from some point on the ice into a target. Sounds simple enough, but those of us that have ever been to a carnival or the boardwalk know that these contests are never as simple as they seem. Let's start with a standard contest, that I'm betting even fans of other franchises will recognize.

In the original Star Wars, when Luke found a group of slaughtered Jawas he was quick to believe that the used-droid salesmen had run afoul of some Sandpeople. But Ben set him straight: "Look at the accuracy of these shots - only Imperial Stormtroopers are that precise." If Kenobi is to be believed (I'll come back to this), then stormtroopers would have no problem with what I'll refer to as the 'Shooter Tutor' contest.

This contest involves contestants attempting to fire a puck through one of three small openings along the bottom of a board secured across the goalmouth - one hole near each post, and one hole located dead center. The holes are slightly wider than the puck, so it takes a reasonably accurate shot to score.

By the time Luke and company reached the Death Star, the vaunted stormtrooper accuracy had gone completely down the toilet, where it remained for the rest of the trilogy - they couldn't hit the broad side of a Bantha from arm's length away. These are the folks that we usually see competing in this contest. Generally, the contestants fall into one of two categories. First, there's 'Joe Hockey.' This guy impresses the crowd with his stick-handling skills before ripping a shot 8-feet wide of the net. More often than not, you'll see a group of these guys if you watch this contest. Occasionally, you'll see a 'Smart Susie,' who realizes that it is control, not power, that is important in this contest - she pushes the puck, rather than playing Al MacInnis. Susie wins almost every time she takes the ice. Like Luke taking out the Death Star, she lets go and trusts her feelings - to the acclaim of the Garden faithful, who ride guys like Joe Hockey mercilessly when they botch their chance.

Though the 'Shooter Tutor' contest can be difficult, the Mercedes-Benz 'Shooting Star' contest is downright evil. The overall winner at the end of the Rangers' season takes home one of those Mercedes SUV's that none of their owners seem to know how to drive. Hmm... perhaps ALL people who want to buy one of these 'Luxury trucks' should have to qualify like this... but I digress.

We all know what the Mercedes symbol looks like - think a pie cut into equal thirds (or a peace sign that got kicked in the willie). The Garden staff turns down the house lights, and projects a large Mercedes symbol onto the ice in the neutral zone opposite of the contestants' position at the near blueline. The task of the contestants is to shoot a puck into one of the divisions within the circle of light. Let me tell you, this is hands down the most difficult contest at MSG - unless you consider making the 10:17 New Haven Line train after a game a contest (which I personally do). This involves not only the ability to take a straight shot, but requires the right amount of touch. It's kind of like shuffleboard, except you're not trying to knock the other guy's puck out of the circle. Oh, did I mention that you're doing this in front of a crowd of approximately 18,198 people who want to see you choke? No pressure, though...

You can always tell if a contestant's been drinking (which is pretty common), because s/he will fire the puck way too hard. The stumbling, slurred speech, and vomit-caked shoes are usually a giveaway too.

There are other contests, but those two are the most common. Perhaps in another installment I'll address some of the more ridiculous contests, but I'll save that for another day.

Before the start of the new season, I'm going to do my best to put together a compendium of pre-game and/or post-game watering holes for you, the thirsty Ranger fan. It's gonna be rough (I can feel my liver cringing already), but with the help of a couple of friends (I'm looking at you, Jim) I think I'll be able to provide you with a good lay of the land around MSG. Early candidates include the Blarney Rock and Mustang Sally's, but if you've got a favorite in mind, use the link below to e-mail me and I'll do my best to check it out!

I've always wanted to write or just read a compendium of all the "old man hockey bars" around the Garden. Usually an Irish bar, everything is wooden, walls covered with 80 years of Ranger memorbilia and never more than about 10 people in the place! You know the places I'm talking about? I'm not even sure they still exist, probably all replaced with a TGI McHappy's Food & Drink Eatery chain restaurant, just like the rest of Manhattan has taken on the generic flavor of shopping mall.

I've been to many of them but was usually blitzed upon arriving, more blitzed upon leaving and any remaining memories are scarce.

Posted by: Rocha on July 5, 2002 02:35 PM