What an off-season it's been so far! Ludicrous free agent contracts, cranky GMs, money-hungry player representatives, Darius Kasparaitis in a Rangers uniform--what more needs to be said? Lots, apparently. So as a service to all our fine readers, Between Periods is proud to present a quick highlight of all the great quotes you may (or may not) have missed in the past two weeks. Yes, actual quotes from actual NHL personalities. Enjoy!

During our scouting meetings in California this spring, we had all of the scouts and all of our personnel rate the players that we would desire and Bobby was certainly the first guy that we had rated at the forward position—Glen Sather
Duh. Slats gets a rumored $5 million dollars for coming to the same conclusion that every Rangers fan has painfully realized for the past five years. And what’s sillier, this is what they came up with after a week of “scouting meetings” at Sather’s Palm Springs vacation home. My guess is that they spent the bulk of the time discussing things like “Mustard—just for hot dogs?” as well as settling the timeless “Tastes great, less filling” debates of the mid-80s. The only way I can see the acquisition of Holik as a point of debate is if whatever rating system they used included a swimsuit competition.

These three players embody everything we look for in a Dallas Star. They're winners…they're proven winners, they score goals, they’re tough. They bring toughness and leadership and those were ingredients this team has missed. We’re very excited about this year—Dallas Stars (and Texas Rangers) owner Tom Hicks
I wonder if Tom Hicks said the same things when he signed Carl Everett, Hideki Irabu, and John Rocker, or even when he signed Alex Rodriguez, Chan Ho Park, and Juan Gonzalez. Big D has an inflated payroll level, one superstar surrounded by some underachieving lesser stars, a depleted farm system, and they’re again using free agency to compensate for what they lost after their last Stanley Cup win. Hmmmm. Where have I heard that before? Hmmmm.
Bonus Dallas quote: Philippe [Boucher] is a quality person and someone who will fit well in our group. He is a well-rounded defenseman who plays a strong physical game as well as a player who can move the puck on the power play—Dallas coach Dave Tippett
Two words, Dallas fans: Igor Ulanov. Consider yourself warned.

Other than my annoyance with the way this business is being run, if we're going to have asinine, insane, inflationary signings, it suits me fine that most of them have been in the East so far—Brian Burke, Vancouver Canucks GM
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Brian Burke. Brian will be appearing next week at The Ha-Ha Hole on Wednesday and The Laugh Shack over the weekend. Funny stuff. How great is it to be criticized by a guy that works all the way across the continent—a guy that (get this) helped to put in place the current Collective Bargaining Agreement that allowed a team like the Rangers to make “insane” decisions in the first place. And great use of the language by the Harvard grad to utterly confuse the hockey world and make most Rangers fans run to a dictionary to look up the word “asinine”. Burke is clearly the thinking-man’s Mike Milbury. Vancouver, incidentally, is a Theo Fleury away from being the second team that I’d most like to have followed by a camera crew 24 hours a day (the Flyers, of course, being the unanimous front runners for such an honor).

I had the opportunity to talk to Eric Lindros earlier today and I spoke with Bryan Trottier as well. I wanted to see what they had in mind for the immediate future and how we can improve the team. Communication is very important to me. It didn't make or break the deal, but it was a very nice touch from the organization and certainly helped with the decision—Bobby Holik
Significant because prior to his signing with the Rangers, neither Lindros or Trottier actually spoke with Holik, but rather left messages for him. Struck me as funny because Eric Lindros just seems like the prototypical jerk guy that intentionally calls when he knows you’re not home, just to avoid having to actually speak to you. “Hey Bobby, it’s Eric…guess you’re not home right now. Oh well. Anyway, I just wanted to say that it’d be great having you on the team next year. Give me a call sometime and we’ll hang out. Hope to see you in training camp. BEEP” And Trottier, who might just be the curtest man on the planet, probably just mumbled something incomprehensible into the phone. “Bobby? Trots. We could use you. Play for us. Or don’t. It’s up to you. Talk to Glen. BEEP” The Rangers could probably sell Holik’s answering machine tape on eBay to make up enough cash to sign Tony Amonte.

The moment Kenny called and said that ‘[the Red Wings] were interested in Curtis Joseph,’ I couldn't put down the phone fast enough and then call Curtis and say Kenny’s called and he's expressed a desire that the team would like to have you. And the immediate reaction from Curtis’ point of view was this is too good to be true. This is a club that really wants me and would like to have me. And their general manager called me and said he wanted to be very proactive in doing something immediately. Then it started to accelerate pretty quickly—Don Meehan, agent to Curtis Joseph
The moment I read this quote about Curtis Joseph and the Wings, I couldn’t believe that I’d just read a quote about Curtis Joseph and the Wings. And my immediate reaction was that this was a good quote that had a lot to say about Curtis Joseph and the Wings, which is a good thing because quotes about Curtis Joseph and the Wings are good, especially when they’re good quotes like this. This quote is very proactive. Geez! 10% of 24 million this man just made. No wonder why Cujo is always crying.

[Non-quote quote in which the New York Islanders categorically and vehemently deny the suggestion that they asked Alexei Yashin to defer some cash to sign Tony Amonte]—cited and recanted in just about every NY area newspaper
Uh oh. Code Red in Islanderville. Must not suggest to team that overpaid and selfish player selfishly refused to defer payment of his overpriced contract to make the team better. Must not insinuate to fans that overpaid and selfish player is selfish and overpaid. Must not let selfish and overpaid player think that team feels he is selfish and overpaid because he won’t defer any of his contract. Quick, get Milbury to call someone an idiot. Quick!

I’m just so thrilled I don’t know what’s going on with me right now—Darius Kasparaitis
Comedy, thy name is Darius. Every morning I get down on my hands and knees and thank Glen Sather for the gift of Kasper because I honestly don’t know how I would have gone an entire Theo-less season with nothing but bland “we have to take it one game at a time” hockey quotes from Messier and Co. Kasper is a counter-example to the unfair criticism that the NHL lacks personality; everything about him, from the way he plays to the things he’s says, is pure entertainment. And before you knock his high contract, understand that it’s a little known rule in the NHL that the Rangers account for 70% of the unintentional comedy around the league, and I just don’t think Matthew Barnaby can handle it all. On a personal note, this sounds exactly like something I said during sophomore year when a game of zonked led to some second-base action with a pledge from Phi Sig. Man I miss college.

He wants to go someplace and make a big impact—Ron Salcer, agent to Eddie “The Eagle” Belfour
And impact the team. And impact the fans. And impact local booze sales. And impact the Toronto police force. And impact the Leafs AV room…

I love it here in New York. I love this organization. Entertaining offers from other teams is something you have to do when you reach this step, but there are nothing but great things that came out of this. I'm excited to be staying a Ranger—Mike Richter
Now kindly turn off the camera and remove the gun from Mike’s back. Is this a press release or a hostage statement? Wouldn’t surprise me if this quote was sent anonymously to the local papers composed on MSG stationary and written with letters cut and pasted from magazines. Poor Mike Richter waits his whole career for free agency, deals with three years of criticism and injury, and finally has a chance to cash in and bolt NY—and suddenly the goalie market dries up and he’s forced to take the low-ball offer from Glen Sather. I’m happy Richter’s back, I think the Rangers are happy Richter’s back, but Richter himself? I don’t know. But maybe I just have a pressing need to insert some negativity into what has otherwise been the greatest off-season in the history of Broadway Blue.

And last but not least…

I'd love to have [Kasparaitis] on our team, but I don't want to get stupid—Mike Milbury
Ha ha! Yes, he actually said this. Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle. Does anyone give better quotes than Mad Mike? The world needs a volume of “The Quotable Milbury”. Undisputed champion of the Between Periods quote list, seven years running. Gotta love Mike, and you gotta love the NHL.

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