Messier Redux Has Garden Brass Worried

Larry Brooks has been on sabbatical for what seems like six years now, and if you’re like most Hockeybird fans, you’re probably curled in a fetal position in a puddle of your own filth, jonesin’ for a hit of some completely baseless gossip from around the NHL. Well wipe the drool from your lips, loyal reader, for thy fix is here! Between Periods in proud to present our inaugural edition of Crackpots, your one-stop source for idiotic trade rumors, nutty conspiracy theories, and other acts of moronic speculation. Enjoy!

Loves the smell of ice chips in the morning

July 16, 2002--Have you seen Mark Messier? Because the Rangers sure haven’t. And with training camp set to open in a mere 30 days, there is growing concern within the organization about the stability of their AWOL and still unsigned captain, including some rumblings that his uncharacteristic silence may be a symptom of his deteriorating physical and mental health.

According to a well-placed source, the team has sent a small cadre of players, led by Brian Leetch, into the deepest recesses of Hilton Head to either extract their wayward leader and return him to New York or, failing to do so, terminate him with extreme prejudice. Crackpots has managed to intercept a classified transmission between Glen Sather and Leetch, in which the GM claims, “Every man has his breaking point. You and I have. Mark Messier has reached his and obviously he has gone insane.” The organization, which denies all knowledge and existence of this mission, apparently lost contact with Leetch several days ago and are now worried that their envoy/assassin may himself fall victim to the mild southern climate, relaxed atmosphere, and year-round availability of quality tee times that has frayed and disoriented the minds of so many vacationing tourists and senior citizens. Also, rumors of Messier adding 300 pounds in the off-season have been neither confirmed nor denied.

In a related story, when asked about the prospect of Messier returning to play twenty minutes a night as the second line center, new head coach Bryan Trottier simply mumbled, “The horror. The horror.”

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In the “where there’s smoke, there’s fire” department, rumors continue to swirl that the Rangers are shopping beleaguered center Petr Nedved around the league, with Calgary, Phoenix, and Washington mentioned as potential destinations. According to a league source, Crackpots has learned that Washington has offered an autographed picture of Rod Langway (frame not included), US Congressman Gary Condit, and 80 bajillion shares of WorldCom stock, while Phoenix has countered with “sand, as much as you can carry.” Calgary’s offer, believed to be less substantial, had the Rangers assuming 100% of Nedved’s contract, as well as any food/board expenses he incurs on the road, complete medical coverage for any Flames fan that becomes ill from watching him play, and an additional $10 million dollars “just because.”

Newest Ranger?

Glen Sather is reportedly being very shrewd in the negotiations. According to an unnamed insider, “They’re looking for equipment. Some gloves, maybe a chest protector. A rusty skate blade. I heard he asked Bobby Clarke for a pair of the old Flyer style Cooperalls and Bobby laughed in his face. Personally I don’t think Nedved is worth a sack full of soiled jock straps, but maybe someone in the league thinks otherwise. At least that’s what Slats is counting on.”

At press time officials from Los Angeles would neither confirm nor deny that an offer was being put together by the Kings involving a sweaty sock and Steve Heinze. “No comment,” said GM Dave Taylor.

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Around the league, scoring champ and reigning Art Ross winner Jarome Iginla is still without a new contract, and there are grumblings in Calgary about some of the demands being made by the gifted young forward, notably a request that the team change its name to “something less fruity.” Said one GM that chose to remain anonymous, “Jarome feels that aside from the ignominy of having to play in Calgary, it adds insult to injury that whenever people, especially women, ask about what he does and who he plays for, they misunderstand what he means when he says he’s a Flame. He thinks it makes him sound like he’s, you know…festive. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

Iginla’s agent, Don Meehan, scoffed at the allegations that his client was being “bitchy” during the negotiations and blasted the local media for portraying the restricted free agent as a latent homophobe. “Jarome enjoys Calgary and the opportunities it offers him. It’s no secret that he really loves his teammates and is proud of being a Flame. Nothing would please him more than to be in the locker room, gasping and sweating besides all his Flame friends at the start of the preseason. We’re out of the closet with this. Jarome is the biggest Flame there is. Wait, let me rephrase that.” Meehan later described Iginla’s off-season as being “fabulous” to which he soon added “Wait, let me rephrase that.”

When pressed for comment, Calgary GM Craig Button responded with animated cries of “Puh-leeze!” and “No way girlfriend!” before arching his back, turning his head, and holding an upturned palm to the crowd, instructing reporters to “Talk to the hand.” He then flipped a pink feathery boa over his shoulder, sashayed back inside the Saddledome Arena, and blared “It’s Raining Men” from the Jumbotron speakers until the crowd of confused reporters dispersed.

Members of the Saskatchewan Roughriders were unavailable for comment.

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Rumors continue to run rampant about the alleged ties between NHL players and the Russian underworld, and one story that just won’t seem to go away has Rangers sniper Pavel Bure being involved with some less than reputable characters.

Although a thorough investigation by the league has cleared him of any wrongdoing, the Russian Rocket still continues to be bothered by the allegations. In an exclusive interview given to Crackpots, the normally tight-lipped All-Star spoke out on the rumors and the subject of organized crime in the NHL:

“Whatsa matta wit you? Vaffanculo! How many times I gotta tell ya? I’m a legitimate businessman. There’s no such thing as the Russian mafia. You got nothing on me, pig! Ya hear me! Nothing! Every time a hockey player gets his picture taken with one of these wiseguys, you humps gotta bust my [explictive] balls. The cullions on you people! I oughta slappa the taste outta you mouth. Basta!”

Surveillance tapes made available to Crackpots through Federal and State Racketeer-Influenced and Corrupt Organization legislation revealed Bure to be equally silent on the practices of his country-mates, offering only cryptic phrases such as, “Kamensky? You won’t see him no more,” “Don’t ever go against the family, Val” and “Igor Ulanov sleeps with the fishes.”

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Clearly out of her freaking gourd

From the Page Six “Strange but True” file: former first overall pick and unquestioned first-ballot member to the All-Bust Hall of Fame, Alexander Daigle, has recently been offered a tryout with the Pittsburgh Penguins. Seriously. The Penguins, who have been struggling to maintain their reputation as a shameful and otherwise embarrassing organization since trading convicted rapist Billy Tibbetts and losing Darius Kasparaitis to free agency, hope that Daigle regains some of the apathy and attitude that made him such an unwanted cancerous property in the NHL that teams would actually pay him not to ever show his face in a locker room again.

The story get even more bizarre in that Daigle, who recently claimed that he never wanted to be a hockey player and only played to make his father happy, has been reportedly shopping himself around the NHL in an attempt to raise money for his fledgling movie production company. But the even especially more bizarre part of the story has Daigle romantically linked to pop star and Grammy-winning recording artist Sheryl Crow.

Crow, obviously not a hockey fan, had previously been linked with music bad-boy Kid Rock before finally succumbing to what can only be described as a progressively crippling neurological disorder. Said a rep for Crow, “She’s always wanted to date a complete f**k up, someone with zero credibility, loyalty issues, and financial problems. Her first choice was Ryan Leaf, but he’s passed out in a dumpster somewhere behind the Playboy Mansion. She’s tired of being treated with respect and maintaining a quiet aura of dignity. It’s about time people snicker behind her back for a change. Besides, she and Alex are just friends anyway.”

Carol Alt, though probably available, was specifically not asked for comment.

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Finally, that Bobby Holik is one ugly mug, isn't he? Just asking.

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