Silence of the Avs

Colorado Shoots to Put the Lotion in the Basket

Have the lambs stopped screaming, Clarice?

Don’t mind me. I’m just giddy. Not only is the start of the NHL season less than a week away, but this weekend one of my all-time favorite fictional characters, Dr Hannibal Lector, returns to the big screen in the movie, Red Dragon. Of course, you already knew that. How could you not? Anyway, the new movie supposedly reanimates the Satanic “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti” Hannibal Lector, not the cute and lovable scamp that Ridley Scott made him out to be. So I’m excited. And did I mention that hockey starts in a week? Woo hoo!

And since I also promised to do a Western Conference preview, what better theme could I think of than a tribute to one of the greatest actors the world has every produced, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Plus I’m out of ideas. Enjoy!

Central Division

Detroit Red Wings
I hate them. Make them go away. They’re hockey’s version of herpes: just when you thought they’re gone, they come roaring back with a vengeance. Not that I would know anything about herpes, ladies.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Hannibal. Expensive, overproduced, gratuitous, not all that interesting or fun to watch, won’t live up to hype, etc. Dave Lewis will be Ridley Scott to Scotty Bowman’s Jonathan Demme.
Projected Point Total: Lots, but they won’t win the Stanley Cup.

St. Louis Blues
Same high-priced roster tries again to beat the Avs and Wings out of the conference. Geez. I’m starting to feel bad. Can’t someone rig the contest so they catch the bouquet? They’ll struggle through the first half without Chris Pronger, but a potentially lethal power play and a juiced-up Keith Tkachuk should keep them in the hunt.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: A Bridge Too Far. Fantastic cast wasted on a mediocre movie about the failure of Market Garden, doomed by poor planning, lack of leadership, and Nazi military superiority. Substitute “goaltending” for “planning” and “Red Wing” for “Nazi” and that just about sums it up.
Projected Point Total: 98

You're not dreaming. This actually happened.

Chicago Blackhawk
Phil Housley, Eric Daze, Bobo Mironov, Steve Sullivan, Jocelyn Thibault, Michael Nylander, Jon Klemm, Sergei Berezin, Theo Fleury, Alexei Zhamnov, Lyle Odelein—welcome to the land of misfit toys!
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Freejack. Weird, quirky cast in an absolute toilet bowl of a movie. Fresh off his Oscar win, Hopkins looks like he lost a bet here. Chicago won’t be this bad, but they won’t they that good either. Hawks fans get an everyday look at the Greatest Show on Ice, Theo Fleury. Enjoy him before the mothership calls him home. Meanwhile, I’m still in litigation with the Estevez people to get my $7 back. God damn you Emilio!
Projected Point Total: 90

Columbus Blue Jackets
Andrew Cassels, Geoff Sanderson, Kevin Dineen—ladies and gentleman, your Columbus Whalers! Signed some guys and they’ve been drafting well, so they’ll be decent, but not playoff worthy. Still a fun team to follow. My Rick Nash #61 jersey is already on order.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: The Mask of Zorro. You’ll be amused and entertained, but you’re going to feel like a loser when it’s over.
Projected Point Total: 75

Nashville Predators
Can you name the Preds top scorer from last season? (Hint: he’s no longer with the team.) OK, so can you name the team’s next leading scorer? How about their third? If you keep asking yourself these questions, eventually you’ll get to former #2 pick and supposed franchise lynchpin, David Legwand. And then you’ll finally know why this team is perennially in the gutter. It’s impossible to take a team that plays in the Gaylord Entertainment Center seriously. Not only that, they have a guy named Bubba Berenzweig. I shit you not. I wonder how Berenzweig jerseys are selling at the Gaylord.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Meet Joe Black. Ugh. Keep away from sharp objects when viewing.
Projected Point Total: 0

Northwest Division

"I like the Avs," says Dr Lector.

Colorado Avalanche
Came within one game of winning the Stanley Cup last season. A full season of Peter Forsberg makes them the team to beat. They’re eminently watchable too. The only thing more entertaining than Patrick Roy’s Game Seven meltdown last summer was his expression when he was snubbed for both the Vezina and the Hart. I’m still giggling. Oh goody.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Silence of the Lambs. Watershed Hopkins performance. Scary, entertaining, awesome. Red Wing fans will be choking on their own tongues. Best thing for them really, since their team is going nowhere.
Projected Point Total: 112

Edmonton Oilers
Solid team. Great first line, good goalie, exceptional defense, character guys fill in the cracks. Chemistry will be an important word for them this season. Oilers have held their young nucleus together for the past few seasons—their only recent major addition being Mike York, the best team player in the NHL. They’ve weathered the rough patches of inexperience and should be ready to explode. Jump on this bandwagon early, as seats will be tough to find in a few months.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Amistad. White guys get glory after black guys kick ass.
Projected Points Total: 96

Calgary Flames
My surprise team for the coming season. I’m sold on Jarome Iginla. He should be on the cover of every NHL program. He’s got a face that could sell tickets, talent to boot. And so young! Rich too. Just oozes charisma. I’m not saying that I’m attracted to him or anything, it’s just that I really respect him as a player. He’s a total stud. Let me rephrase that. What I meant was… Why are you looking at me like that. (Sigh) I’m not gay.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Legends of the Fall. Good movie that proved Brad Pitt’s breakthrough (like Iginla's) was no fluke. Wow, I’m really pushing the ‘ol homoeroticism to the brink here.
Trivia time!: With the recent addition of Chris Drury and signing of Jordan Leopold, the Flames are one of two NHL teams to have two Hobey Baker Award winners on the roster. Name the other team.
Projected Point Total: 90-ish

Vancouver Canucks
The NHL’s resident stand-up comedian, Brian Burke, spouted off some more one-liners about the financial state of the league and the fiscal insanity of his competitors, even though he helped put the current asinine system in place a few years before. Prided himself on proving that a competitive NHL team could be put on the ice for about 1/3 the cost of what his opponents were paying. Of course, that team got crushed by the rich kids in playoffs because they lacked any talent beyond their two highest-paid players. Did Brian Burke have a point here? Did I?
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: The Edge. Think scruff.
Projected Point Total: low 80s

Minnesota Wild
Just your regular run of the mill expansion squad, with young stars emerging, vets running an effective defensive system, and excited fans showing ‘em love. Good for them.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: The Bounty. Maybe Marian Gaborik can lead a mutiny to overthrow Jacques Lemaire. The trap-master even looks like Hopkins.
Projected Point Total: 70

Pacific Division

Stars will win. Why? Because I'm Picasso.

Dallas Stars
Overhauled roster = massive improvement. For the record, this team was way more enjoyable when they were throwing their helmets at Ken Hitchcock. Hopefully Ed Belfour didn’t take the possible combustible implosion factor with him to Toronto. High-priced teams on the edge of a meltdown are always fun to watch.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Surviving Picasso. Hot, dirty, bloated, angry, temperamental, violent, despicable, talented. Picasso doesn’t make any new fans with this movie. Neither will Dallas this season.
Projected Point Total: 99

San Jose Sharks
I can’t say something about them without a reference to Adam Graves, the movie Jaws, or Dionne Warwick. That’s what happens when you live in a different time zone. And is it just me or does this team lead the league in holdouts every season? Otherwise I know little about them. Their games are usually past my bedtime.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Howards End. Critics loved it. I didn’t see it.
Projected Point Total: 96

Phoenix Coyotes
Does Wayne Gretzky ever make a mistake? Even when his evil twin shows up and starts babbling some nonsense about “American propaganda” it still works out well for him. Last year he gutted the 'Yotes of all their big name talent and somehow managed to improve things well enough to squeak into the playoffs. Now they added Tony Amonte to provide veteran leadership and play the crafty Kevin Cosner/Crash Davis role if Danny Briere, Shane Doan and some of the other kids decide to take a “Losin’ It” type road trip into Mexico.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Nixon. Brilliant, under-appreciated movie that sort of got lost in the shuffle, mostly because people were sick of Oliver Stone. Hopkins lost his Oscar bid that year to Nick Cage, who then used his new-found credibility to star in movies like Con Air, Snake Eyes, 8MM, The Family Man, and Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Just for that I’m putting Phoenix in the playoffs over LA.
Projected Point Total: 95

Los Angeles Kings
I hate LA. I hate it! Crappy city, crappy fans, crappy team. Unfortunately they have one of my favorite players to watch, Jason Allison. Aside from just being an All-Star caliber player, Allison has the uncanny knack of doing five—and you can count them—five unbelievable things to create a scoring chance from nothing. But beyond the first line this team is U-G-L-Y. They always make noise in the playoffs, but only if they get there.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They’d Be: Magic. Title suits Allison. Movie is a cult classic. Hopkins plays a ventriloquist haunted by his murderous dummy. Those aren’t typos. This is a must see. Rated poorly though, and a bit of a flop. Sort of like the Kings!
Projected Point Total: 86

Disney’s The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, starring Paul Kariya
Bring the kids! They’ll love the Adam Oates Petting Zoo. Young team (excluding Oates) with upgraded offense and no-name defense. Pundits are predicting a career year from Kariya, and since it's coming from actual real-life pundits, it must be true. Key word for the season is "power play"; keys words any other time are "cringe", "say prayers" and "Dear God make it stop!" I'd predict an improvement, but this is Anaheim.
If They Were an Anthony Hopkins Movie, They'd Be: All Creatures Great and Small. Cutesy family film features Hopkins in a supporting role as a mentor to a young vet. Twenty years later Sir Tony will be eating census takers. Go figure.
Trivia Answer!: Paul Kariya won the Hobey Baker in 1993 with the University of Maine, while young role-player Jason Krog won the award with the New Hampshire Wildcats in 1999.
Projected Point Total: 80

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