Between Periods "Accidentally" Kicks the Console in Week One

We're less than one week into the 2002-2003 NHL season and I'm already hitting the Reset Button.

I'm wiping out the first three games for the New York Rangers. These never happened. Things started all wrong from the outset. Pavel Bure's strep throat, the Lindros suspension, Dan Blackburn's dislocated finger, Bobby Holik inexplicably coming down with Petr Nedved "fear of the net" disease—none of these things were supposed to happen. So I'm calling for a do-over.

Other things that should not be? Alexei Morozov is leading the league is scoring—that's gotta go. The Tampa Bay Lightning and Minnesota Wild are undefeated—that's gotta go too. The resurgence of Viktor Kozlov, Vinny Prospal, and Chris Gratton? Click! Gone. Shawn McEachern's hat-trick? Zapped. Eddie Belfour's shutout? Erased.

The only thing I'm leaving in is Theo Fleury's trip back to rehab. And the Islanders starting the season 0-2.

But for the rest of us, particularly for us Rangers fans, the season officially begins tonight against Toronto. The Reset Button has spoken. It cannot be undone.

And now on to the rest of my stupid observations from Week One of the NHL.

*****

It must be hockey season because I’m having those dreams again where I strangle Gary Thorne.

In preparation for my first viewing experience with the protective netting, I’ve been staring at my microwave oven for three hours at a time. Doesn’t seem to be helping, but on the plus side I think I’ve grown a third testicle.

I don’t have an opinion about the netting either way, but I think the argument that “you’ll get used to it” is the same line of reasoning that put the Nazi’s in power. OK, so maybe I did have an opinion about it.

I think the Rangers made a real statement in the first week of the season. That statement? “We suck.”

My most anticipated event for the month has not been the start of the NHL season. It’s the October 29th release of Grand Theft Auto IV. Just when you thought it was safe to be a Cuban hooker along the strip in Vice City. Get your copy soon, before it's used as a defense when they catch the DC Sniper.

Here's Your Pizza, Bitch!

Am I the only one that’s a little disturbed that Kenny the gangbanger from Oswald State Penitentiary is now staring as a delivery boy in Pizza Hut commercials? I keep expecting him to pull a shank when someone asks for their cheesy-bread. Anyone from Oz should be permanently typecast to play nothing but hardened criminals. Then again, it would be great to see Tobias Beecher take a dump on Carrot Top in one of those Dial Down the Center ads.

Kudos to all the Yankee-haters out there that collectively willed the Bombers to lose in the first round. Now you can live with all the consequences that come with the phrase, “Barry Bonds, World Champion.”

Am I too early or too late to accuse the entire Angels lineup of obscene steroid abuse? I've also heard that they pee on nuns. But I'm not bitter or anything.

I didn't think it was possible for the Mets to top that last-place season where they were throwing firecrackers at fans and spraying reporters with bleach, but then along comes the dope-smoking, fan-hating, I swear I'm not gay version in 2002. They not only set the bar for franchise embarrassment, they hollowed it out and used it as a bong.

OK, I’ll ask: what’s going on with Sandy McCarthy’s hair?

There is nothing more worthless than a Southeast Division Champions banner.

Clause #87 that needs to be in the NHL’s new Collective Bargaining Agreement: the term “future considerations” can no longer be used in any deal that constitutes a salary dump. Players must be traded for inanimate objects equal to their overall worth. Imagine how great it would be if the Islanders announced that they traded Mariusz Czerkawski for a sweaty sock. Mike Milbury holds a press conference to welcome the sock. The sock is placed in front of a microphone while reporters ask it questions. They fit the sock with a tiny jersey while everyone applauds. These things need to happen.

Can someone explain to me how John Madden (the NHL version) is basically useless during 5-on-5 but becomes a completely unstoppable force on the penalty kill?

Think He'll Stay Slim With Belfour in Goal?

I believe Pat Quinn will keep the weight off like I believe Theo Fleury had one beer the other night.

I just got Direct TV last week. Did you guys know that there's a team in Nashville?

It’s not officially October for me until Brian Savage is leading the league in goals.

It’s nothing new to spot a disheveled derelict shrieking to himself outside Madison Square Garden, but it’s kind of neat when it turns out to be Scott Layden.

On a related topic, I had a great “Do the Denver Nuggets even look at medical records when they make a trade” joke prepared about a week ago, but the Basketball Gods must have caught me laughing. Jokes on them though, as I don't give a crap's crap about the NBA.

If you thought that Red Dragon was creepy, try sharing a last name with one of the families horribly slaughtered by the movie’s main psycho.

I haven’t decided where I stand on the new Amber-Vision tinted yellow shields, but when I do, I’ll let you know.

I had a San Jose Sharks comment here, but Jeff Jillson must have given it away at the blue line.

Can someone with EA’s NHL 2003 do me a favor? Trade Luc Robitaille to the Rangers and let me know if his rating drops about 60 points.

If I were writing for the Sopranos, the TV Guide summary for this week's episode would read "In a desperate attempt to save Christopher from a life of crime, Adrianna decides to take off all her clothes for no damn good reason whatsoever. Also, someone gets whacked."

Add John Davidson to my growing list of people that seriously need a hard punch to the crotch. I love JD, but if I have to hear "the Rangers have really settled down" speech with five minutes left to play in a 6-0 game, I might just have to slap the Reijo Ruotsalainen out of him.

You Can't Stop Nor Contain This Man

Gabe can have all the fun he wants with his Biased Account of the Hockeybird Fantasy League, but he forgot to mention my secret weapon: Espen Knutsen.

The most appealing part of fantasy hockey for me is watching names like Reinhard Divis climb to the top of the Most Added and Most Dropped lists within a span of two weeks.

I wonder if the producers of shows like "Good Morning Miami" feel the same way about themselves as I feel about them.

If I were running a television network, my first show would be called "Fishing with Andy" where I go out into the middle of a lake with Andy Rooney and a bottle of Dewers and just start asking him really irrelevant questions about life and society. My second idea, "This Old Crib," would be a PBS home improvement show with Bob Villa and Master P. Episode 1 would have Bob and Norm Abram installing a stripper pole in Master P's living room.

Is it a reflection on me or society in general that I'm watching more MTV just because there's a pretty good chance of seeing hot lesbian action at any time of day?

Lastly, I just wanted to declare open season on all the “Mario Lemieux should trade himself” jokes.

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