Hockeybird.com: A Curse of Biblical Proportions?

One Stanley Cup in the past 62 years. Red Dutton’s curse. Jean Ratelle’s broken ankle in 1972. Trading Rick Middleton for Ken Hodge. Ulf Nilsson’s ankle in 1979. Ted Sator and Phil Esposito in 1986. Brian Leetch’s broken leg in 1992. Bobby Carpenter, Luc Robitaille, and Kevin Hatcher. The complete collapse of every single free-agent signed in the past five years, from Valeri Kamensky to Igor Ulanov. No playoffs games since 1997. And now Pavel Bure’s knee.

Only one question can be asked to possible explain this: Why does God hate the New York Rangers?

“Is it a pleasure for you to oppress?” Job raged at God. “To spurn the work of your hands, and smile on the plan of the wicked? Do you seek guilt in me and search after my sins, even though you know I am not wicked? Also, are you Canadian? Or do you just get your jollies off of watching Islander fans laugh at me?” OK, I made the last part up.

Still, given our history, you really have to wonder whether all these trials and tribulations are part of some larger cosmic plan to keep Rangers fans as miserable as possible. With all the hardships that the Rangers have endured since the start of the franchise, it’s fair to ask whether some ticked off deity is casting down lightning bolts on us, whether Divine Intervention is to blame for our misfortunes, whether God really has it out for Broadway Blue. And if so, well, what exactly did we do wrong? What is our great sin?

So as a duty to our more pious readers, Between Periods decided to look at the Ten Commandments—which I fortunately can reproduce due to a loophole in the Hockeybird charter than permits a combination of church and Bird—to see whether we have truly strayed from the path of the righteous or tread along the ground of the wicked. Not that you shouldn’t know the Ten Commandments by heart anyway. Read a freakin’ Bible, you heathens. Let’s begin.

Sin: Eddie Giacomin, Rod Gilbert, John Davidson, Nick Fotiu, Barry Beck, Reijo Ruotsalainen (Finnish God), Mike Richter, Brian Leetch (my personal Jesus), Mark Messier (circa 1994), Alex Kovalev (false God), Mike York, Pavel Bure, etc. OK, we’re guilty.

Sin: Needlessly putting washed-up stars like Marcel Dionne and Wayne Gretzky in a Rangers jersey, just to leech on their legacy and make sure that every time their name is mentioned on Sportscenter or Hockey Night in Canada there’s at least a 50/50 chance they’ll be shown in New York regalia. Unconscionable. We even put Guy Lafleur in a Rangers jersey. We’re awful. So very guilty.

Sin: Have you ever said any of the following things during a Rangers game? “God, we suck.” “God, these refs suck.” “God, Radek Dvorak sucks.” “God, can’t Rem Murray do anything.” “God, why does Vladimir Malakhov look like an All-Star some nights and a clown on others.” “God, I need another beer.” “God, we still suck.” “God dammit!” Unfortunately, you just broke the Third Commandment. Shame on you. Guilty as charged.

Sin: Like you haven’t blown off church/temple/mosque/barn with alien spaceship just to watch a Rangers game. Heck, speaking solely as a Catholic, um, we don’t have a game on Sunday afternoon, do we? Damn. Well, it’s not like we had one last Sunday too. Damn. Guilty.

Sin: Probably the least violated sin among Ranger fans, as we constantly wax poetically on our history and complain about how perfect and simple things were in the past, like the Ogrodnick-Kisio-Mullen line was all that great, or the Czechmates brought us anywhere near the playoffs, or the GAG line produced some kind of dynasty. But I’m sure none of us have a nice thing to say about the Dolan family, or even a kind word or two for Tex Ritter. And I bet most of you even switched to Direct TV during the summer too. Ingrates. You are all so guilty.

Sin: Tough one, but ask yourself this: Who were you rooting for in last season’s Isles-Toronto series? Be honest. I know who I was rooting for, and I’m still doing penance for it. Millions of showers don’t wash off the stain of that sin either. Guilty with a capital G.

Sin: Hello, free agency. And it’s not like we’re shameless or repentant for it either (although we should get some kind of holy credit for “converting” a guy like Bobby Holik). And tending offers to guys like Joe Sakic? So evil. And Pavel Bure for Igor Ulanov? Evil. And Tom Poti? Yup, we’re guilty.

Sin: Um, remind me what we whistle/chant at least three times a night at every home game. Sorry, guilty.

Sin: Absolutely. Have you said the follow phrase in the last five years: I wish we played like [insert favorite team]? Or: Wouldn’t it be great if we had [insert favorite player]? You’re coveting, and in the Hockey Bible sense you just committed sin #10. Heck, I’ve been watching Vancouver Canucks games on the side for almost two months, wishing we got a nightly performance like that of Todd Bertuzzi. So guilty. And kinda gay too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But still guilty.

Ten Commandments, Ten Sins. So you can’t exactly blame God for being a little vengeful. Frankly I’m a little surprised that MSG isn’t filled with pillars of salt.

“Behold I will stretch forth my hand upon the Rangers,” God said through Ezechiel, “And will kill their hopes and dreams, and will destroy the remnant of their pride, and I will keep them out of the playoffs. And I will execute great vengeance upon them, rebuking them in fury; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them. Also, I plan on popping out one or two ACL joints, just for shits and giggles.”

Is it too late to repent, Ranger fans? Have we strayed too far from the path of righteous hockey? Have our riches and our egos become an unholy affront to the Creator? Is Madison Square Garden a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah? Is it too late to drop to our knees, trim our payroll to a modest level, develop our own talent, exude a quiet and steady work ethic, admit to all our failures and otherwise beg the forgiveness of the Lord?

This is fuckin' brilliant Leeds.

But you missed one key proverb: "It is better to reign in hell than serve in heaven."

So God hates us? So Canadians snicker at our misery? So every halfwit small market GM gets his jollies watching this $75 million Titanic crash into iceberg after iceberg?

Screw'em.

You had it right the first time.

Hate is a good thing.

Let'em hate us. Next time a Jose Theodore or a Jarome Iginla comes up as a RFA, offer them a ridiculous contract. Not because we want them. Not because it's a good way to build a winning team. But so that the other teams can't have them.

And don't just stop at a Joe Sakic here and there. Do it EVERY time a budding star comes up as a RFA.

I don't think even cablevision can choke the whole league to death . . . but I'm sure they could take down a few Nashville's and Calgaries on their way out . . .

Posted by: Kubera55 on December 9, 2002 12:16 AM

Holy great fucking article Batman !

What's a discussion about the Rangers and religion without a good Batman reference ?

Posted by: bird on December 9, 2002 01:42 PM

Dear Brian,

I find it a curious irony that our Moses has the same name as yourself, save but for one letter.

He comes from the East and across the river to lead he Blueshirts and their fans to the promised land. He will go up to the mountain and bring down the tablets and will show us the way to salvation. How long will the people be made to wander the desert? The answer is - as long as it takes!

Let's fast forward to the New Testament.
The Gospel according to Saint Matthew 5.1

The Beatitudes

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
2. Blessed are they that mourn for they will be comforted.
3. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.
4. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled.
5. Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.
6. Blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God.
7. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Children of God.
8. Blessed are they which are persecuted for rightiousness sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.

We were given these Beatitudes and we are blessed in all things, not just the fact that we live in or near the greatest city in the world and have an origianl six NHL franchise.

Have faith in your namesake. He truly is a good person with ability to lead the Rangers to the playoffs, if not this year than surely the next.
I spoke to him yesterday after the game and told him to keep the faith and not be discouraged, that I thought he was doing a good job. He genuinely thanked me.

The next time you want to curse, blame or strangle someone over hockey, remember the Golden Rules:

Love thy neighbor as thyself.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

As a comic relief, remember what Brian was whistling at the end of the film? "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life."

Posted by: mhurley on December 9, 2002 08:50 PM

Ok so you make some sense! But what about all the other teams that have not won for so long?? We at least won in 1994 and were able to put those demons to rest. Cubs still haven't won since 1908, Red Sox since 1918. Just look at the Jets, or the Indians. How about the Knicks, the Blackhawks. Chicago has won only three cups and the last being 1961! So Ranger fans need to chill a little! This curse business is a bunch of crap. Winning comes down to hard work, being smart, and being lucky!

Posted by: Jim V on December 12, 2002 01:31 PM