Big weekend for the Jets and Giants as the Football Gods smiled on New York and propelled both local squads into the postseason with miraculous wins over the Eagles and Packers, respectively. Giants overcame a major case of fumblitis and got a fortuitous wide-right field goal from Pro-Bowler David Akers to pull out victory for Jim Fassel's Big Blue Wrecking Crew, while the J-E-T-S, led by young phenom QB Chad Pennington, crushed Brett Farve and Co. after getting a must-needed boost from New England (whom the Jets than promptly bounced from the playoffs). Fantastic two days for New York football. The Rangers, by the way, are still a horrible horrible hockey team and shouldn't be discussed without being in close proximity to a toilet bowl or paper bag to barf in.

Welcome to the Rangers, Dude

I guess I have to talk about hockey, huh? (Groan) OK. When last we spoke, Mike Dunham was coming off a fantastic game against New Jersey in which he stole a point for the Blueshirts. Since then he was shelled and pulled in a disgusting 6-1 loss to the Pens, played acceptable in a 2-1 win against the lowly Panthers, and was shelled again last night by the Lightning, 5-3. The Pens loss I pin on the Rangers coaches, as it took them 33 minutes and 11 seconds (and five goals) to figure out something I knew 6 minutes and 31 seconds in. Last night's loss, in which Dunham played well, I'll blame on the obvious distraction caused to The Dude when Phish does their annual New Year's Eve show at MSG. Start Dunham, and any Ranger for that matter, at your own risk.

"At Your Own Risk"? What Does That Mean?

It means that the Rangers flat-out suck. Their offense can't score a goal, their defense is (again) a complete laughing-stock, and anyone that could help improve either of these things is currently hurt without any signs of getting better. Everyone else is either a useless prd fart or a penalty/felony waiting to happen. Our only viable fantasy player is Eric Lindros, who's clearly not having a good season, though he's saddled with talentless stiffs and/or leathery washed-up has-beens. That's not to excuse Lindros either: whether it's better to serve in heaven or rule in hell, don't matter much when both equally bite the big one.

People You Should Seriously Waive

Bobby Holik, a fantastic checking center being thoroughly misused by the coaches, lacks the scoring skills of a consistent fantasy performer. Antichrist Nedved, shouting at the devil with all of 4 points in his last 12 games, is again demonstrating that the moment the offense needs him most, he cowers away and contributes nothing but "hard work" and smiles--boos soon to follow. Mark Messier, who should be glad the HHOF stopped watching years ago, contributes occasionally but clearly cannot compete every night with players half his age (not that this stops the coaches from deploying him every other shift). And Sandis Ozolinsh kicked more pucks into his own net on Saturday than Radek Dvorak has scored since replacing Pavel Bure in December.

And Don't Even Get Me Started On Our D

Tom Poti has been a complete disgrace since the Brian Leetch injury: -8 with only 6 points and no goals. Speaking of Leetch, he was hoping to play sometime during the southern road trip, but after lacing the skates on Friday and messing himself in utter agony shortly thereafter, suddenly the training staff wasn't so optimistic. Probably out another week, as is Dale Purinton. Otherwise you're either spinning the Wheel of Malakhov to see whether you get an All-Star or a pile of crud, or you can just take the pile of crud with Kasparaitis, Karpa, Cory Cross, or any of the AHL wunderkind. We're yet again the most scored on team in the league, by the way. Break out the party favors.

Is There Any Hope In The New Year?

Um, no. No hope whatsoever. All prayers to the Sports Gods were forwarded to the Jets and Giants, and anything left over was used to get Tom Glavine on the Mets. The Rangers are a hopeless cause that even St. Jude would give the finger to. No one is immune here, no has done their job very admirably, and the idea that they can yet again blame injuries as the root cause for their demise is a complete crock of %!*!. When adversity hit, as it hits all teams, they retreated into themselves, alienated their fans, and are now resorting to blaming the refs for a 14-20-5 record. #!&# the Rangers. I'm watching football.

My New Years Resolution

I bet you think it's going to be "To stop watching the Rangers" or something like that. Wrong. I'm still going to watch. Every lousy stinking minute. And I'll keep writing my columns too, and hopefully each one will get better as the season progresses. Because I made a promise to ESPN and the people that read this space, and even though I have my own "injuries", responsibilities, problems with censors, personal difficulties, disagreements with management, and a general dissatisfaction with the subject I cover--I'm not going to quit on the season. And I'm not getting paid to do this either. $&@% the Rangers. Go Giants/Jets!

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