Shopping at Costco.

McDonald’s Super Value Meals.

The Louisiana Purchase.

What do the three have in common? Other than the fact that all three tend to be transactions involving dealings with people whose grasp of the English language may be considered somewhat tenuous, we’re talking about buying in bulk. Generally speaking, it’s cheaper per unit to purchase goods or services in quantity – whether light bulbs, dog food, or real estate.

Except, of course, when you’re shopping at Madison Square Garden.

When I went to the Rangers-Thrashers game on March 31, 2003, I took a friend’s advice and I purchased what I will henceforth refer to as the ‘big beer.’ I’ll admit, I was a bit wary of the massive vat of suds that I was about to consume – but Jim made such an eloquent argument in its favor that I couldn’t refuse.

Basically, the ‘big beer’ is a 64oz mug-style pitcher. You might’ve seen these vessels in 7-11s, where I suppose they’re marketed toward long-haul truckers or those who have a blatant disregard for the health of their bladders. Below, I’ve taken a picture of my ‘big beer’ pitcher next to my Mark Messier bobblehead so that you can get an idea of the sheer size of this thing.

Looks, however, can be deceiving. This is, after all, a 64oz container; in actuality, the pitcher contains three beers (along with the $25 purchase price you also receive two of the clear plastic mugs that you get when purchasing premium beers at MSG). The selling points for the ‘big beer’ that hooked me were as follows:

1. You don’t have to get up and get on line again. This alone is a major selling point in my opinion. Who wants to stand in the beer line? Considering that I’d had a few pre-game drinks, I knew that ‘big beer’ would more than get me through the game.

2. You get your choice of the premium beers. Like Bass Ale? Buy a pitcher. Spaten more your speed? Well, you’re in luck – have your own personal Oktoberfest. Cravin’ a wee nip o’ McSorley’s Black and Tan? We’ve got your drink, me boy-o!

3. The pitcher keeps the beer remarkably cold. This thing, as cheesy as it may look, does a terrific job at keeping your beverage nice and frosty. By the end of the first period, I was expecting luke-warm beer. However, it was just as cold as it had been when first poured.

One of the downsides of the ‘big beer’ is one of perception – if, in fact, you actually care about that type of thing. The looks that you will get if you purchase the ‘big beer’ range from the amused (“Dude, look at the guy with the monster brew! You ROCK bro!”) to the disdainful (“My word, look at this alcoholic. Tsk – shameful, really.”). Fact is, this beer is deceptively large; it’s not really as big as it would appear.

How others will see you if you buy the big beer

Furthermore, remember the old adage about how we only rent beer? After the withering assault that the ‘big beer’ waged against my bladder, the 'seal' broke faster than the ranks of the Republican Guard. Thank God Metro-North has those nauseating little bathrooms on their trains!

Also, the question that remained at the end of the night was, “What the Hell am I going to do with this thing?” Its size makes storage somewhat impractical and, when I’m at home, I have no need for such a large mug – the fridge is conveniently located and well-stocked. I suppose I could drill a few holes in the bottom and use it as a planter, but I think that it will just gather dust on a shelf somewhere with the rest of the game souvenirs that I’ve accumulated – perhaps between the Ranger Dr. Seuss hat that came with my cotton candy, or the Valentine’s Day stuffed “heart” that they gave us a few years ago (it looked much more like a kidney than a heart).

In sum, it was a good purchase - if only for the fact that I didn't have to wait in the beer line again between periods. Now if only I could get a pony keg past security...

-Chris

PS: While we're on the subject of beer, the long-awaited At The Garden Bar Review is on its way! Really! I couldn't devote the time this past season to preparing the review the way that it deserves to be done, but it looks like I've got some time over the next few weeks to dust off my notes and get cracking. It might not get you into law school, but at least you'll know which bars to pass!

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