NHL Draft 2003--A Running Diary

The 2003 NHL draft. One of major social events on the NHL calendar and easily the least appreciated draft in all of sports. Unfair treatment too, said the hockey fan. Sure, the NHL might not have recognizable everyday names like “Lebron” or “Darko” or “Carmello”, but it does have plenty of other entertaining stuff worth watching. Acne-faced teenage kids awkwardly hugging their underdressed trailer-park relatives. Paunchy scouts nervously smiling as they justify three-months of living out of a suitcase in Flin Flon, Manitoba. Obsessive fans heaping praise/throwing fits over players they’ve never even heard of. And the Rangers ruining everything again with another wild trade rumor. What’s not to love?

So with another rainy day ahead and nothing else on the tube, I thought I'd rip off Bill Simmons again and give you a running diary of the whole exciting event. So look surprised when you hear your name, hug your mom, shuffle up toward the podium and accept your replica jersey--it's the 2003 Entry Draft in the NHL.

1:01--Welcome to the, um, beautiful Gaylord Entertainment Center in the hotbed of hockey known as Nashville, Tennessee. It’s draft day and I’m already smiling. Why? Because the Nashville Predators play their home games at the Gaylord Arena. That joke never gets old. Gaylord--heh heh. The Rangers may suck, but at least they don’t play at the Gaylord.

1:03--Public service message to those of you accidentally tuning in who’s only point of reference is the NBA draft. You won’t see the following things today: mustard, magenta, or plum suits; athletes thanking God/praising Allah; Humvees, retro jerseys, or any other kind of bling bling; draftees sitting with their kids…

1:04--And the draft opens with a bang, as the Florida Panthers trade the first pick to the Penguins, who promptly draft highly touted goalie Marc-Andre Fleury. I think the Panthers made this deal out of sympathy, as Pittsburgh GM Craig Patrick has officially become the most tragically pitiful figure in the league. Hall of Fame builder now running the Charlestown Chiefs. Can’t you imagine Patrick on the phone with Bobby Clarke, trying to sell him a used massage table? By the way, Mario Lemieux must be thrilled that they used the top pick to draft a goalie that won’t see NHL ice until 2006.

1:06--Fleury looks pretty excited here. Maybe he thinks that Florida still holds the pick and that he's going to play in South Beach instead of Pittsburgh. For fun Glen Sather should walk over to the Penguin's war table and offer to take Fleury off of their hands for whatever he has in his pocket.

1:07--Brief interview with young Mr Fleury reveals what be a running theme today and Reason #1 why the NHL draft is entertaining: broken accents.

I'm playing in Pittsburgh? That, how you say, sucks ass.

1:11--It just occurred to me, watching this half-filled arena filled with proud families and fidgety teenage kids wearing a suit and tie for probably the first time in their lives: draft day in the NHL is exactly like a high school graduation, except instead of diplomas you get a jersey. Stark contrast to the NFL/NBA drafts, which are all agents and Nike execs and cell phones and groupies and diamond earings and Mel Kiper hair-care products.

1:15--The Carolina Hurricanes, who went from penthouse to outhouse in under a year, nab the top skater in the draft, Peterborough center Eric Staal. And with nothing bad to say about Staal, I’ll introduce Reason #2 of why the NHL draft is entertaining: cute teenage girlfriends. It’s basically a parade of prom queens, and with NHL prospects only having a mild (by pro sports standards) financial future, they don’t have that seedy, predatory, unwholesome quality, like they know they're only a broken condom away from winning the lottery.

1:18--Nathan Horton, pick number three, selected by Florida, ironically names the Panthers as his favorite team. Very corporate answer, Nathan. He then went on to say that Rick Dudley is his favorite general manager, John Torchetti is his favorite assistant coach, and Denis Shvidki is his favorite player.

1:22--Pick number four coming up, sure to be Russian sniper Nikolai Zherdev, just as soon as Columbus GM Doug MacLean wraps up his Oscar speech. Jeez, I think MacLean has exceeded the 15-second speaking limit. Someone should cue up the orchestra music. Side note here is that the Blue Jacket franchise is getting boos from the Nashville fans. Who knew these teams were mortal enemies? It should be interesting to watch this rivalry come to fruition, sometime around 2035.

1:24--Tomas Vanek, selected number five by Buffalo. Definitely not a good sign that after the announcement Sabre GM Darcy Regier asked Vanek if he could borrow ten bucks for busfare back to Niagara.

1:25--San Jose, apparently being run now by actor Michael Ironside, uses the number six pick on Czech forward Milan Michalek. All my draft notebook here says is that Michalek was considered the top prospect in the world a year ago, but scouts have now slightly soured on him. I wonder what the Czech word for “bust” is.

1:31--And here we are at the pick that the home crowd has been waiting for. I’ll leave it to Preds GM Dave Poile. “With the seventh pick in the 2003 NHL draft, the Nashville Predators select the dude in the 30th row with his face painted yellow and the purple tinsel wig and the “Pick Me Poile” sign.” OK, I made that last part up. The actually pick is defenseman Ryan Suter, who looks pretty psyched to be playing in front of the Gaylord fans. Heh heh. Seriously, does that joke ever get old?

1:33--The Atlanta Thrashers, a team du jour now that they have a well-regarded coach and the three best players in the world under 22, select Braydon Coburn with the eight pick. Braydon Coburn strides to podium, warmly shakes hands, dons Thrashers jersey, smiles for photos. OK, so maybe this doesn’t have the excitement of the other major drafts. But at least you get cute Canadian chicks in pretty sundresses.

1:36--Calgary, the Cincinnati Bengals of the NHL, select physical defenseman Dion Phaneuf out of Red Deer (as if I have any freakin’ clue where Red Deer is). It’ll be interesting to watch how they screw this kid up. Darryl Sutter, meanwhile, is late for his audition for the part of Sloth in “Goonies 2.”

1:38--The very dangerous forward Andrei Kastitsyn, selected number ten by the Montreal Canadians. Kastitsyn cockily strolls to the stage wearing a pink tie on pink shirt. This guy is a James Bond villain waiting to happen. Put me down as saying this kid’s going to be a player. Or a henchman of some type.

1:42--The Rangers may be ruining hockey, but Philly GM Bobby Clarke is easily the most hated man in the entire NHL. And he doesn't seem to mind either. Thanks no one, congratulates no one, just coldly grabs the microphone and drafts Sault Ste Marie center Jeff Carter at the eleven spot. It would surprise no one if he flipped off the entire arena right now, or whacked Gary Bettman with a steel chair. I can’t believe no one is watching hockey anymore.

1:43--Shhhhh. The Rangers are picking.

Hugh looks forward to having his development retarded by the numbers game

1:45--Say what you want about Glen Sather, but no one sports the “I know more than you do” look better than him. I wish I could explain it. It’s the complete opposite of the deer-in-the-headlights look. He might blow the pick here, but you know for damn sure that he’s gonna sell it. No wonder why he still has a job.

1:46--And the Rangers select monstrous Ivy League forward Hugh Jessiman. In all seriousness I hope they lock this kid in a cage somewhere, feed him nothing but raw meat and have a guy dressed in a Devils jersey ritualistically poke him with a cattle-prod for the next three years. Plus he's says he's a fan of the team, which I guess is a good thing. I'll believe it if he runs Mark Messier into retirement during training camp. Oops. Did I just say that out loud?

1:49--Sad turn for the league as Gary Bettman announces that Roger Neilson has passed away. Kinda tragic. But great timing! What a moment! Oh wait, I guess I should be mourning. Sorry.

1:51--As Los Angeles takes Dustin Brown with the 13 pick, I guess I should make a minor comment about the rumor that has the Rangers trading Eric Lindros to Washington for Jaromir Jagr. Meh. I’m so jaded at this point that I can’t even be moved by this stuff. The only effect I see is that I’ll have to replace my concussion jokes with gambling jokes. Speaking of which, TSN’s Bob McKenzie just said that he thinks it’s a safe bet that Jagr plays in New York next season, and Jagr himself has $50 grand riding on it. Actually, my real opinion, to quote my favorite movie Boyz in Da Hood: can’t we have one day where don’t nobody get shot? Apparently not.

1:52--Zach Parise, probably the number one pick in this draft if he wasn’t so darn small, mentions that if he could meet anyone in the world, he’d like to meet Tim McGraw. Strike one, Zach. By the way, if I ever had the chance to ask Tim McGraw 20 questions, the first 19 would be, “What’s it like to have sex with Faith Hill?” Number 20 would probably be, “So where’s the bathroom?”

Milbury knows my dad played for the Isles, right? Right?

1:55--Chicago—yes, they’re still in the league—selects Lethbridge defenseman Brent Seabrook, who if I’m not mistaken is also the host of American Idol. By the way, Reason #3 of why the NHL draft is entertaining: awkward hugs from your dorky younger brother. Hilarious.

1:58--Finally, the only slam dunk pick of the draft so far, as Mike Milbury has undersized but overtalented forward Zach Parise fall into his lap. And Milbury strolls to the podium and selects…Robert Nilsson? Wow. Milbury’s going to need a Kevlar vest after this one. I might have to call in sick on Monday just to hear the Isles fans on WFAN. Even TSN announcer Pierre Maguire is hammering Mad Mike for this one. Meanwhile, Nilsson looks like he should be the front-man for Spacehog or something. Weird turn of events, probably the highlight of the draft.

2:01--San Jose, on their second first-round pick, have Parise screaming in their face but instead select Steve Bernier, a player with a reputation for conditioning issues. He’s listed as 6’2, 372 pounds. OK, maybe I made this up, but it’s never a good sign when your draft pick strolls to the podium eating a hot dog. OK, I made this up too.

2:03--Edmonton up to pick. Parise has to go here. But why is Lou Lamoriello smiling?

Ack.

Shit.

Fuck.

2:04--The Devils, Stanley Cup champs and the most evil franchise in all of sports, find a way to trade up and nab another potential star player, soon to have his game completely crushed by the defense-first mentality of New Jersey. This is basically like watching Star Trek’s 7 of 9 being re-assimilated back into the Borg and having her breast implants removed. Not to mention that the friggin’ Devils did it again—swiped another great prospect out from under the NHL’s rug. Sometimes I hate this game. There’s no reason to continue here. It’s all so depressing.

But at least we’re not the Isles. Let’s go Rangers!

Recent Articles Road Trip Pics

Web Hockeybird.com