Writing these columns is a blast for me. I love being able to rant away on a subject that I follow ardently and I love that, for the most part, the columns are warmly received by everyone that does me the favor of reading them. Hockey and the New York Rangers are great, fun topics to report on and comment on and joke about and enjoy. This isn't work to me, never feels that way. And I have a special affinity for anyone that shares my passion for this subject and takes the time to plod through these articles and think of them as part of their experience of being a fan.

I'm telling you all this because, dear readers, you're about to hate me for what I'm about to say: I'm looking forward to watching Mark Messier play this season.

[Between Periods take a pause to dodge the barrage of rotten vegetables and flaming bags of dog poop being hurled at him.]

Oh my, where to begin here? (Deep breath.) Look, I know how all us true fans--which I define as being someone more interested in watching the team actually win games by any means necessary, anyone that has purchased a roll of cotton candy at MSG with one of those Cat-in-the-Hat hats being instantly disqualified--feel about the return of our beloved and weathered captain. Rehashing all the negative comments about Messier is like beating a dead horse, or in this case beating a dead moose. His play is ragged and spotty with rare moments of triumph. His leadship qualities, albeit absent to us fans, seem to be vastly overrated at this point in his career; teammates are literally half his age, no longer his contemporaries, unequal in the eyes of management, and his rally speechs have, if you check his playoff history lately, fallen on deaf ears. He's grossly overpaid, though that shouldn't matter to any of us, really. And his personal pride and the emotional investment of his head coach will make it impossible for him to find a team role that we true fans will be comfortable with.

Our Beloved Captain, Just Doing His Thing

It's all true. In fact, some raging hypocrite wrote about this stuff exactly one year ago. I wanted him to retire. But he didn't. And really, how could he? He's seven points shy of eclipsing Gordie Howe as the second greatest scorer in the history of the National Hockey League and he's holding a lottery ticket for another $3 million dollars. Would you retire? I don't blame The Captain for refusing to bow out. Not in the least. And no one can control this either. We true fans have a greater chance of preventing that hurricane from hitting the East Coast than we do of influencing the behavior of one proud but now aged former superstar.

So you have two choices about this situation. You can either continue to bellyache and complain like a whiny pantywaste, blaming Mark Messier for everything from Pavel Bure's gimpy knee to the tragic offseason death of Roman Lyashenko to the breakup of Ben Affleck and J. Lo (which is actually the one thing that I wish I could blame on him). Or you could just shrug your shoulders like some total kick-ass Hemingway character that doesn't care about anything and says badass stuff like "Hockey is hell" and "The Devils are wrong" and "Mike Milbury can bite the back of my ass." That's the guy I want to be, the badass guy. But just in case you're still determined to be a whiny pantywaste about this, I'll give you three reasons why watching Mark Messier this season is going to be pure entertainment.

1. He's Going to Break Gordie Howe's Record. This is a tremendous thing. I know it's tough to grasp his greatness anymore after watching him waterski through 40-point seasons for the past three years, but this is still an unbelievable accomplishment. Going into this 2003-2004 season, the Rangers already have two significant moments to celebrate with us fans: Mike Richter having his number retired and Mark Messier breaking this record. This means something. Trust me, Rangers fans, you will feel good about this. Everyone will. It will be like the Halle Berry nude scene in that stupid Swordfish movie: you know it's coming, you don't know when, but you know it's going to cheer you up, no matter how angry and frustrated you are with the way things are going. Enjoy it.

2. The Rangers Are Going to be Good This Year. This requires a leap of faith, sure (especially when Messier figures to be prominently involved), but you'll just have to trust me here. I'm not predicting a Stanley Cup by any means, but I think, nay know, us fans will be pleasantly surprised this season. This will be the team that found success (granted, too late) under Our Dark Lord Sather at the end of last season. This is the team being led by "The Dude" Mike Dunham, backed-up by a capable vet and not a overwhelmed kid who was probably more concerned with text messaging Mandy Moore to invite her to a Linkin Park concert than working on breakaway drills. This is a team that can't ask for anymore help, that has a roster filled with names like Lindros and Kovalev and Nedved and Carter and Holik. The talent is there, the depth is there, the motivation is there, the frustration is there. The New York Rangers are going to end their playoff drought this season. Take the leap of faith. Mark Messier's presence on the roster will have no effect on this outcome one way or another.

3. He's pissed. Rhetorical questions coming. Do you think Mark Messier does not feel the pain of knowing that he's a shell of the warrior he once was? Do you think he doesn't read the critical stuff readily available online and in the print media? Do you think he doesn't know that most members of the fanbase are frustrated with his individual play? Do you think he doesn't sense the alienation and perhaps seething hatred that members of his own team may have for him and his dominating personality that can no longer be backed up with spirited play? Don't think this man is going to go into every game with a little chip on his shoulder? Then you never watched Mark Messier play hockey in his prime, never understood what made him one of the greatest players in the game, what still drives him to lace up the skates every fall when most of his friends and former rivals are living the good life of supermodels and vodka Sea Breeze's and marlin fishing.

Point #3 is very important to me, because it the primary reason why I'm rooting for the Moose this year, even though the rest of you aren't. I've always been a fan of the Western. And if you think of the classic Westerns--Shane, True Grit, Rio Bravo, Unforgiven--they all feature the aged and weathered gun-fighter, slow on the draw, loved and respected by very few, doomed to either die in the end or ride peacefully into the sunset. Mark Messier is that grizzled cowboy. He's the outlaw renegade that knows full well that the movie ends with him triumphant for one final time, heading out into a sunset of supermodels and vodka Sea Breeze's and marlin fishing. He's going to piss you off sometimes, you're going to call him a dirty sonofabitch at some point, but because the good guys are going to win in the end, you'll love him all the more.

Enjoy him, true New York Rangers fans. He's our captain. He's old and bald and looks like hell, but there ain't nuthin' we can do 'bout that. He may be a sonofabitch, but he's our sonofabitch. He's a Ranger, through and through. Go get 'em, Moose. Go get 'em.

Just remember to retire at the end of this season, OK?

Special thanks to Jen Burns for motivating me to write this article. Whirlybird.

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