Hockeybird.com: At Least I'm Not a Sox Fan

Pardon me if the Rangers uneventful 0-0 tie over Kamil Piros, Randy Robitaille and the rest of the grieving Atlanta Thrashers takes a bit of a backseat today, as there is far bigger news in the world of New York sports: the New York Yankees have beaten the Boston Red Sox in Game Seven of the 2003 ALCS Pennant. There is a God, and He was not working to push Trot Nixon's flyballs over the fence, nor did He very much care for having Pedro Martinez point to Him after every strikeout with the very same hands used to aim a swift, spinning projectile at a man's head and later used to throw another 72-year-old man to the ground. Evil Empire rules again. Cowboy up, Boston. Cowboy up.

Oh, right. Sorry. Hockey. Well, apparently there was a Rangers game last night, their home opener in fact, in which a scared sh*tless Blueshirt squad skated to a scoreless tie against Atlanta while 12,000 angry fans gazed on quietly, sharpening knives against a whetstone and slowly cleaning their handguns. Yikes. It's going to be a long, ugly, UGLY season, isn't it, Rangers fans? I have an entire winter ahead of endlessly watching the scene in The Bad News Bears where Vic Morrow beats the crap out of his son--and then I get to tell all you guys about it. Wonderful. And how much is ESPN paying me to do this? Even better. Let's go Yankees, by the way.

Mike Dunham was clearly the star of the game, stopping all 30 shots he faced, including a ridiculous flurry to start the third period after two of his buckethead defenseman decided to have a contest to see which one could take the dumber penalty (it was a draw, by the way). Dunham was admittedly shaky in his first game against the Wild, but rebounded nicely to steal a point for New York when the hostile Garden crowd was demanding two. Have I mentioned that it's going to be a long and ugly season? Anyway, Dunham undoubtably gets the start on Saturday against Carolina. Maybe enough fans get distracted by the glory that is the Yankess and forget how to boo.

That is how long it's been since the Rangers last scored a goal, a scoring drought matched only by my MC Leedsy phase back in 1991. What to say? I imagine that they will eventually score a goal this season, but who actually does it and when it occurs is a mystery wrapped in Malakhov wrapped in Grady Little. A quick trip to NHL Watch to check the Rangers depth chart revealed that the ENTIRE FREAKIN' ROSTER is now listed in ice cold blue. Blue is not good. And the only ones not listed in blue are Retired Russian Pavel Bure and the late Brian Leetch. "We're not pushing the panic button," says Grand Moff Sather. Meanwhile fans are grinding their molars and quietly cleaning their guns.

Since the Rangers offense right now is a wounded animal trying to cross four lanes of busy traffic, I'll address some popular questions that I often receive. 1) Pavel Bure is not coming back this season. Not gonna happen. There is a better chance of me not only dating Jennifer Garner, but dating THEN DUMPING Jennifer Garner. You're better off adding Haken Loob to your roster. 2) Science and religion cannot figure out Brian Leetch's injury. Recovery timetables like "early November" are pulled from butts in the same spirit that guys tell their girlfriends "there's five minutes left in the game." It sounds good and rounded, but is a complete and utter lie. No one knows when Brian Leetch is coming back. End of story.

My Open Application for a Page Six Gig

Which dreadlocked right wing might soon find himself bumped from the Rangers top line to poop-patrol duty for Jim Dolan's shar pei unless he gets some chemistry going with his big, oft-concussed center? Which struggling forward who's name rhymes with "Atthew Arnaby" might shortly find himself in another hockey sweater after irking management in the preseason and pulling complete no-shows in the first three games? Which handsome fantasy hockey correspondent is considering a lawsuit claiming that an elderly bald man is causing him heart palpitations by inexplicably trying to pass the puck across his zone whenever he's inexplicably out on the ice and killing penalties? Just asking.

Rangers owned the Canes last season, which means they might actually score a goal. And the game fortunately coincides with the first game of the World Series, which could mean that there will be less people in MSG filling bags of urine to throw. Rangers ran some pregame promos last night in an attempt to "Build some bridges between the team and its fans." Read that sentence again. Building friggin' bridges. It's that bad. Rangers fans are not just upset and frustrated by the team, they're alienated and hostile. Every game now feels like a Shannen Doherty marriage. I hate this team. But we're still making the playoffs. Let's go Yankees.

Funny article as usual, especially the Page Six part. HAHA. Sucks being a depressed Rangers fan. LETS GO YANKEES!!!!!

Posted by: Tina on October 20, 2003 12:53 AM