Rangers downed by -- it's been ten years and I still cannot get over this name -- the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, 3-1. This latest debacle comes on the heels of a four game unbeaten streak, including a rare win against the Detroit Red Wings, who were running on less fumes than Jim Belushi after twenty minutes on the treadmill. Still you can't win them all, or in the Rangers case, 30% of them. New York actually outplayed the -- sigh -- the Ducks, but ran into a stone wall named Gerber, Martin Gerber. Isn't that a cool name? Ger-ber. Mister Ger-ber. I trust you brought the microfilm, Mister Ger-ber? Don't mind me. I'm babbling. This game was an absolute snooze-o-rama.
The Dude Flakes
Mike Dunham, the top performer for the Rangers during the unbeaten streak, finally fogged-out against the Ducks, though in The Dude's defense the goals were mostly the products of screens, deflections, and the occasional acid flashback. Not much else to say, man. Aside from the win column, Dunham's stats are pretty impressive. I meant to watch "Lebowski" this weekend to find more quotes to fill this space with, but I watched "The Matrix: Reloaded" instead. The function of The Dude is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code he carries, reinserting the prime program. Rolls right off the tongue, don't it?
Power Play Could Use Shot of Levitra
Looking for power play points? Well look much much MUCH further. The Rangers, now seven games into the season, have yet to register a single power play goal. The extra man advantage has gone from miserable to horrible to atrocious to excremental to, finally, some horrific sci-fi genetic mutation that stands as an utter abomination to nature and should be quickly killed lest people happen to look upon it and are forced to spend the rest of their lives forever tormented by nightmares of its ghoulish image. Perhaps I'm exaggerating. Just shoot the puck, guys, stand in front of the net, whack at the rebound. If the friggin' Ducks can do, you can too.
What's Good on the Rangers These Days?
Without a capable power play and with two of the best scorers in the trainer's room, there's not much to brag about fantasy-wise these days in New York. Alex Kovalev and Petr Nedved are slowly coming around (four points each), and Tom Poti and Greg de Vries are treading water, but everyone else pretty much blows ... except for a little gem known as Chris Simon: four points on the year to match a whopping 47 PIMs, and he'd probably have more points if he weren't dishing feeds to liver-spot Messier. Don't be surprised to see Simon riding shotgun to the Eric Lindros next week. Simon's not that far removed from a fantastic fantasy year in '99, and 50 points with 150 PIMs is not out of the question. Nab him.
Injury Update
Good news, sort of. Brian Leetch, looking and sounding like he was recently revived from the Pit of Despair by Billy Crystal and Carol Kane, skated lightly in practice and then gave the most winded and incoherent interview of all time, looking and wheezing like he'd just wrestled Greco-Roman style for three hours with a kodiak bear. He's still at least two weeks away and, if his present condition is any indication, badly out of shape, so don't expect much until the end of November. Eric Lindros, healing nicely, should be ready to play sometime next week, recovering well from his scaplecular injury or whatever the hell it was.
Rangers Tiki Idol Jinx Finally Revealed
Alex Kovalev suffered a minor scare when one of his teammates -- cough cough LaCouture! cough -- fell on his knee during practice and caused pain similar to that of an ACL tear. Ranger Nation waited with baited breath until the MRI results proved negative. And despite some minor pain, Kovy turned in his most spirited game of the season. Open note to Dan LaCouture: stay the f**k away from Alex Kovalev. You're a waiver-bait grinder, he's the franchise. I don't even want you guys in the same locker room together. In fact, if you see each other coming down the same hallway, turn around and run the other way. No wonder why the Pens were quick to dump you: you were killing Martin Straka.
Next Game, Thursday, Carolina 'Canes
You know that it's the third week of the NHL when Kevin Weekes is the top player in all of fantasy hockey. Anyway, K-Dog brings his impressive save percentage in against the gang that couldn't shoot straight in what's sure to be another clash of the titans in the battle over twelfth place in the conference. Sorry to ooze negativity lately but the Rangers businesslike "defense-first" commitment to losing is slowly wearing at my patience. It's like watching paint dry on an outhouse. Pray for a power play goal, pray that Dan LaCouture doesn't hurt anybody, and pray for the New York Rangers to finish the month with a .500 record. Let's Go Rangers.
Posted by Brian at October 30, 2003 11:10 AMeMail this entry!
|
Recent Articles
|
|
|