The New York Rangers, so promising a mere week ago, have since gagged-up three straight hideous loses in a row: a miserable 3-6 loss to Carolina, an uninspired 1-2 overtime loss to the Flyers, and a wretched 4-5 loss to Ty Conklin and the Edmonton Oiler juggernaut. What's worse, the entire roster is relatively healthy, two of the three losses were at home, and they're right back to that standard .500 record just good enough for 10th place in the conference. It's true, they're bringing on the heartbreak, taking on the best of me. At what point do we fans torch MSG for the insurance money and just start rooting for the Islanders or Devils?

Ah, Dude, Whatta Gonna Do?

Despite last night's less than Duderific game, Mike Dunham is still ranked #11 among fantasy goalies, with an impressive 2.15 GAA and .926 SV%. Where would you miserable bunch of Blueshirted clowns be right now without Mike Dunham bailing your worthless hides out every night? Play defense in front of him. Am I asking too much? This guy, this one guy, is the only thing worth rooting for on this pathetic team, and you're just gonna stand around and let him get whacked at and smacked with rubber puck for sixty minutes? What kind of men are you? Do. Your. Jobs. Do your jobs. No excuses this time. You don't want to upset me here. Understand? [Read this section again, imagining Christopher Walken saying these things. It's kinda cool.]

Ugh -- Offense

Eric Lindros, back from injury and shifted to wing just because Supreme Overlord Sather delights at seeing blood spurt from my eyes when he jumbles up the lines and plays Mark Messier 18 minutes a night, has four assists in two games. Bobby Holik, center on this line and the only guy on the roster you can count on, scored two goals in another nasty performance; Holik isn't a consistent fantasy performer but his numbers look decent over the course of a season. Otherwise... whadda we messin' up the lines for? Things were fine just a week ago. Now it's different? You tell me what's different. It's baffling. And I'll tell you something else--it's just what they expect. [I think this one works best with Al Pacino.]

Oy

Multiple choice time! Question #1: What's wrong with Alex Kovalev? Is it that he's... (A) Hurt. (B) Being unfairly targetted by NHL officials. (C) Experiencing LSD -- Lemieux Separation Disorder. (D) Feeling lonely and isolated due to the effects of globalization as best expressed by the Radiohead album "OK Computer". (E) Missing his blankey. (F) Suffering malnutrition. (G) Distracted by the scandel overseas involving the Royal Family. (H) Worried that the video tape he made with Paris Hilton will soon come to light. Or (I) Terrified that team jinx Dan LaCouture might breathe on him in the locker room. Correct answer appears below!

Pfffttt -- Defense

Brian Leetch scored his first goal last night and is slowly working his way back into shape because, as it's only been mentioned FIFTY BAJALLION TIMES by John Davidson in the past three games, Leetch missed all of training camp. Tom Poti, assist last night, is clearly not having the season envisioned by most -- and his defense has gone straight into the crapper since being paired again with Leetch. Maybe TP turns it around. Bobo Mironov, who I'm officially giving the nickname "Giggles", played outright fantastic last night for no logical or conceivable reason whatsoever. This will surely be followed by an awful game from Vlad Malakhov on Wednesday. Don't ask why. It just always seems to work out this way.

What Isn't Selling at the Rangers Auction

--Dream date dinner for two at Nobu with Rangers assistant coach Ted Green. --Framed lithograph of former Ranger Theo Fleury flipping-off MSG crowd. --"Smellin' O' Bobby" signature collection of Holik-scented moisturizers and facial scrubs. --50,000 limited edition novelty bobbleheads celebrating the night Pavel Bure broke Adam Graves' single season scoring record. --"Tickle Me, Bobo" doll. --Autographed Brian Leetch death shroud. --"Canciones de Mi Madre: 20 Beautiful Spanish Love Ballads as Sung by Jim Schoenfeld." --That crap-ass carbon hockey stick that was holding Eric Lindros back last season. --Dan LaCouture.

"We Want Keenan"

I warned you a month ago, Slats: there is a lunatic fringe of Rangers fans out there gathering in a warehouse three times a week and banging together an axe and a hammer while chanting "Keenan" just like in the Sly Stallone movie Cobra. Those chants you heard last night were not calling for Keenen Ivory Wayans, Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan, or former star of hit sitcom "My Two Dads" Staci Keanan. Fix these lines, get Mark Messier back to 12 minutes a night, and don't let Rico Fata score a hat-trick on Wednesday. Let's Go Keenan -- um, I mean, Rangers. Let's Go Rangers. The answer to the multiple choice question: (E).

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