Hockeybird.com: Haves Beat Have-Nots -- Ho Hum

It's rather unfair to watch naive and inexperienced youth get mauled, manipulated, exploited, degraded, and ultimately humiliated in a public forum -- so after watching the Paris Hilton sex tape I cheered myself up by watching the Rangers kick the snot out of the Baby Pens, 6-2. Pittsburgh, playing without their leading scorer, Rico Fata -- and, no, Rangers fans, that's not a typo -- were simply no match for the rich spoiled kids across the lake. Poor Penguins. Riveting spectacle, I suppose, if you're the type of person that enjoys watching a snuff film for 72 straight hours. Never a good thing when members of the opposite team have to apologize to the goalie after the game. Poor Pens.

Even Mike "Duder" Dunham felt bad for the Penguins, surrendering two goals on 29 shots, between sips from his waterbottle of white russians. Actually, Dunham was fabulotastic for a two minute stretch in the second period when the game was still debatable, just before the bloodletting began. Fabulotastic? Maybe I should put down the new OutKast album and start listening to some Creedence. Anyway, Dunham is up four points this week on the Player Rater Countdown, clocking in at #9 -- consider yourself warned, Pasi Nurminen. He's coming for you. Let the midnight special, shine a light on me...

Eric Lindros, who undoubtably would have thrived in a game like last night, took a stick to the face about five minutes into the game. The result? Scratched cornea, out anywhere from 2-3 days to... well... let's not dwell on it. Preliminary reports say at least two weeks pending further evaluation. Dear Supreme Overlord Sather, please return Dan "Brady Tiki Idol" LaCouture to his rightful owners before someone else gets hurt. I'm begging you. What will it take before someone listens? Bobby Holik getting a staph infection from the team whirlpool? Anson Carter getting a dread caught in a Nautilus machine? Brian Leetch slipping on ice again and breaking his leg? I know he's a gritty team guy and all, but the madness and bloodshed needs to end now.

No sense discussing the rest of the offense, as practically everyone on the roster had one point, +1, and 2-3 shots on goal. The highest ranked FHL Ranger forward continues to be Chris Simon, still leading the league in PIMs, though because Supreme Overlord Sather hates you and everything you stand for, he's trimmed the big guy's ice-time and told him to knock off the shenanigans, which reduced him from fantasy stud to average fourth-line player. Other notables include the surging Bobby Holik (another two points, +1, 2 PIMs) ranked #56, disappointing Alex Kovalev at #79 (ranked between Jeff Cowan and Fernando Pisani -- nice job, lottery pick), and the intriguing Martin Rucinsky at #88 (8 pts, +7, 36 SOGs).

Local papers suggested that Supreme Overlord Sather has been none too pleased with the play of Tom Poti lately and almost threatened to (gasp!) bench him for last night's game. Tommy responded by playing his best game in weeks, even scoring a goal. We're all very very proud. Otherwise, Brian Leetch is slowly working his way into game-shape and should be a top defenseman by next week. And lastly, and it pains me to say this: Vladimir Malakhov is ranked #20 among FHL defenseman. We don't know how it happened or why it happened -- it just did. All I'll say about adding Vlad to a fantasy roster: Malakhov is like a box of chocolate... sold to you out of the back of a beat-up Chevy Nova by a guy missing three fingers. You have been warned.

I've been cutting him some slack this season because he's a newlywed and all, but with every game that goes by Petr Nedved is once again merging into the fantasy hockey Antichrist. I can't ignore it. In the two games against Carolina and Edmonton, PN has 16 shots on goal (16!), one assist, and was a combined -5. Last night he has one shot on goal and two points (goal, assist). Trying to figure this out will only spiral you down into the bowels of hell. He's currently ranked #113 on the Player Rater, right in that Antichristal zone of players not producing enough to keep active but just talented enough to keep on a roster (Darcy Tucker, David Legwand, Matt Barnaby, Jason Blake). Pure, pure evil.

So, gentlemen, in conclusion: 1) Eric Lindros is hurt again for an inderminate amount of time; 2) Mike Dunham still rules; 3) Alex Kovalev, Tom Poti, and Petr Nedved continue to struggle but shouldn't be waived; 4) Brian Leetch -- still feeding off human brains to gain precious life-force; 5) Mark Messier -- too old for this *BLEEP*; 6) Bobby Holik won't rock your socks off but contributes nicely; 7) Matt Barnaby, Martin Rucinsky, and Anson Carter are all worth watching for signs of progress; 8) Bobo make me laugh; 9) Greg deVries, meh; 10) I'd take a ride home from Courtney Love before I added Vlad Malakhov to my FHL roster. Any other questions? No? Thank you for your time, gentlemen. Have a good day.

Funny you mention it. Last night I'm looking at the Rangers stats, thinking, "Hmm.. Vlad has 2 goals, 5 assists, decent PIM's, decent shots, maybe I should pick hi..." and then involuntarily my hands lunged for my throat and began crushing my windpipe before I could reach the mouse. Weird.

Posted by: Rocha on November 13, 2003 06:37 PM