Hockeybird.com: This Team Is Dead To Me

Rangers fall in consecutive games to Tampa Bay, 3-2, and Montreal, 2-1. They currently sit in 10th place in the conference, one game under .500. This team is dead to me. Now I could use this space to vent about what a miserable, wretched, revolting, feculent waste of time and money this team is, and how being their fan is not just a nightly heartbreak but a nauseating kick to the genitals, but with the holidays just around the corner I think I'll try to be less negative for a change and just simply crawl under my desk at work, curl myself into a fetal position, and slowly gnaw at my wrists until the sweet release of death finally takes me in her arms. Seasons greetings! Ho ho ho!

Mike Dunham has fallen out of the top twenty in the player rater:goalies, and ever since he tweaked his groin a few weeks ago and was oddly criticized by management for something or other, The Dude has been off his game. While the losses can't be pinned directly on him, he certainly hasn't helped his cause and is perhaps yielding one questionable goal a game. Dude, what's up? Something bothering you? You want to, um, talk about it or something? C'mon, dude, don't be like that. We're bros, man. Is it Jussi? Is Jussi Markkanen bothering you? Because I'll stop calling him the Jussinator if that's what it is. Is it the groin? Because if it is...well, you're out of luck, man. I don't do groins, amigo.

Chris Simon, the NHL's penalty minutes leader, continues to be Rangers only decent gift to fantasy hockey, with yet another one goal, one fight evening -- all done despite the fact that he gets minimal ice time. Otherwise the offense is grinning, greased, and gassed -- which is great if you're in a George Thorogood song but downright depressing if you're playing professional hockey. Kovalev, Holik, and Rucinsky cycle well as a unit and provide the most consistent scoring, while a motivated Anson Carter had goals in three straight prior to last night's catastrophe. AC could be entering that one decent stretch that he seems to have each season to round out his normal 25-goal output, so he might be worth a shot, especially if you have to...

Just do it in principle. I don't care if he rebounds, I don't care that he's the fantasy Antichrist and will surely start to score once you remove him from your roster -- waive him anyway. Petr Nedved is playing so urine-poor right now that I don't doubt that he's demotivating your other fantasy players. Blame Nedved for everything: global warming, tax hikes, drive-by shootings, influenza, Andy Pettite leaving the Yankees, long lines, licorice candy canes, cluster bombs, shoveling snow, Coldplay, parasitic infections, New York football, fruitcake, and everything else that sucks this time of year. Waive Nedved. I have nothing personal against the guy, I just hope he's removed from the lineup because of a severe yeast infection.

"I don't think we played a bad game tonight, but I don't think we played a great game," said Captain Mark Messier. You don't think so, Skip? Allow me to retort, because evidently you guys are huffing paint fumes between periods: you stink! You're in tenth place and you're getting railroaded by teams with 1/8 of your experience and 1/4 of your payroll. Tampa Bay players were openly napping between shifts during that game and they still beat you -- came back in the third period no less! And Montreal had roughly five good scoring chances -- all from giveaways! -- and they beat you! Arrrrrggghhh! The delusional patheticism of this team is unreal. I'd actually care about this if the New York Rangers weren't dead to me now.

It took a month but Brian Leetch is slowly working his way to the top of the NHL scoring list and the FHL player rater -- say "Hi" to Vlad Malakhov on your way up! Malakhov, as predicted by every bone in my body save for the one finger that clicked the "Add Player" button about a month ago, has tumbled in the ratings and will soon be fantasy irrelevant, mostly likely before the year is out. Tom Poti? Arrgh. Waive him too, I guess, though he's mentioned in so many trade rumors that it might be worth holding him to see where (if anywhere) he ends up. And while I'm here and cranky: can a week go by without me having to read another Cujo trade rumor? We're not f'ing taking him, end of discussion.

Not much fantasy info this week -- mostly just an insane babbling rant by a fan driven over the edge by his horrible team -- but there isn't much to write about anyway. The same guys produce, the same useless prds eat ice time, and Eric Lindros continues to be jerked around the lineup like Paris Hilton backstage at a Sum 41 concert. Just trade for Jaromir Jagr and get it over with. His knack for getting coaches fired can only help us. Oops, did I say that out loud? I mean, um, all hail Lord Sather (he said, polishing his ax and hammer and preparing to join the "Bring Back Keenan" movement). The Rangers are dead to me. Let's go... well, let's just go. I've got a lot of shopping to do.

Great article Leedsy. Loved it. Way to nail it down and funny to boot. What else can a Ranger posess, besides a good sense of humor. Me hate them.

Posted by: Stellavito on December 12, 2003 05:15 PM

Great article Leedsy. Loved it. Way to nail it down and funny to boot. What else can a Ranger posess, besides a good sense of humor. Me hate them.

Posted by: Stellavito on December 12, 2003 05:16 PM