Happy Holidays! The New York Rangers -- stricken to a man with the flu, right down to Herr Chancellor Sather -- somehow manage to fight through their congestion with improbable back-to-back come-from-behind overtime victories against the Kayutes and the Kings. Let's hear it for influenza! Lost among the aspirin and mucusy tissues is the fact that the Rangers were badly outplayed in both games, and short of scoring on their own goalie ... actually, they did score on their own goalie (Jed Ortmeyer's fantastic deflection over Jussi Markkanen's shoulder). How is this team winning games? Who knows. Anyway, the Rangers have been down in the third period for the past three games and taken five of six points in the end. Yippee kay-yay, mother f**ker. Hugs for everybody.

Dude or Jussi?

If I could get serious for a moment, as some of you may actually read this column for insightful information -- there is a legitimate goaltending battle between Mike Dunham and Jussi Markkanen right now. No one is talking about it, and Dunham is still technically number one, but shakey play by The Dude lately has opened the door for the Jussinator and he hasn't quite disappointed. Dunham stole two points in the get-the-f-out-of-Dodge win against Phoenix, but the Jusser stole two points last night against LA. My advice? If you have one of these guys, get the other. I think they're going to tandem down the stretch, maybe at a 60/40 rate. I haven't been this excited about a fight since CT punched that French dude on Real World: Paris.

Eric Lindros -- The Light of the World

You know I'm phoning in a column for the holidays whenever I check the player rater to see who's hot and who's not, and a quick scan to the 15-day hottie list reveals Eric Lindros (#25), Darius Kasparaitis (#40), and Greg deVries (#45). Lindros is also the #26 forward over the season, and my guess is that he'll finish well into the top 20: he's mean, he puts the puck on net, he creates scoring chances, he bothers the opposition, and (despite the supposed baggage he came with) he keeps his mouth shut. He's the anti-Nedved ... which makes him some sort of Christ figure, I guess. Glen Sather = Pontius Pilate, Alex Kovalev = Judas Iscariot. Thus concludes my New Testament fantasy update. Halle-freakin'-lujuh! Now let's go get loaded.

I Got Top Gun on DVD For Christmas

Alex Kovalev can't score. And, aside from two brilliant assists last night, his confidence is so low that he doesn't even try to shoot anymore. It's troubling. So, since us Ranger fans are desperate enough to try anything to make the playoffs at this point, well, here goes: You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips. And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it ... [Rangers fans, sing all together now] ... BUT BABY! BABY, I KNOW IT! You've lost that lovin' feeling. Whoa, that lovin' feeling. You've lost that lovin' feeling. Now it's gone ... gone ... gone ... wooooooh. [If this doesn't work, next column I'll try some Al Jarreau.]

This Section Has Nothing Useful Whatsoever

Greg deVries is on an absolute tear of late, with three points and a +9 in the last five games. OK, maybe "absolute tear" is a bit of a stretch, but how often do you get to throw some love toward the Vriester. Tom Poti is also on a tear, with back-to-back OT game-winning goals. OK, once again the word "tear" is a bit of a stretch, and in fact Poti has mostly sucked in the last few games, though his long stick has been in the right place lately. That sounds like I'm narrating gay porn or something. "Poti thrust his large shaft between the defenseman's legs and with a quick twist brought the rugged Canadian to his knees." I'm disturbingly good at this. Who knew hockey was such a homoerotic sport.

Dear Mailsl*t

First day on the job and Mailsl*t decided to stay home and sleep in, so I'll have to step up while she fixes her hair. Dear Mailsl*t: Blah blah blah Mark Messier blah blah blah hockey God blah blah leading team in goals blah blah mention him more blah blah -- Sincerely, Some Angry Canadian. Thanks for the mail, SAC. Mail sac. That's funny. Male. Sack. Male sack. Ha ha. I said "sack." Anyway, Mark Messier is certainly having a nice year but that he's leading the team in scoring is more indictative of a greater problem with the team itself and not something worthy of merit. He'll score 40-something points, have no PIMs, and finish at a -10. Unless ESPN institutes some sort of age-to-pts category for guys like Mess, Adam Oates, and Ron Francis, he's fantasy irrelevant. EOS.

Worst. Column. EVER!

Did I say anything useful here? I doubt it. Well, it's New Year's Eve and I still have about five minutes to kill before the sun rises to a point where it's "socially acceptable" for an adult to start drinking, so let's all pretend that 2003 never happened (like the last six years for Rangers fans) and usher in 2004 with optimism, excitement, and goodwill toward everyone except Islander, Devils, and Flyers fans. Those subhuman pigmen can rot in hell. [Insert smiley emoticon to let my ESPN superiors know that I'm kidding, even though I'm not.] Next Rangers game is Thursday against St Louis, 2004. Merry New Year! Let's go Rangers.

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