Rangers throttled by the Calgary Flames on home ice, 5-0, in easily the worst team and individual efforts of the season, which is unmercifully only about half-way through. How bad was it? I'm ashamed to even be a fan today, and if anyone asks I was watching the "7th Heaven" marathon on the WB. Revolting and unconscionable performance from a team that hasn't seen a playoff game since the glory days of Chumbawanda. The same lack of focus and drive permeates throughout the roster, the same struggling forwards continue to be unproductive, and the tyrant running the team continues to be stubborn and uncreative with his coaching approach. I hate this team. I haven't been this upset about something since Brittney Spears annulled our marriage.

Dude or Jussi, Part Deux

In the last column I wrote that Mike Dunham hasn't been able to stop a beachball lately (miserable .844 SV% and 3.99 GAA in his last five games), while a capable Jussi Markkenan has shown great promise in every opportunity that he's had, including a lights-out performance against our AHL affiliate, the Pittsburgh Pens. And then last night happened, with Jussi giving up three goals in the first period while Dunham again proved that he's easily the most unlucky goaltender in the NHL. I don't know what Dunham did to get such bad mojo but I'd stay at least 50 feet away from the guy until he gets his groove back. In the meantime, if you can, Just Say Jussi -- though to be honest I wouldn't start a Rangers backstop, period. We may never win a game again.

Offense

Eric Lindros continues to be the best Ranger on the ice, and if you can figure out why Osama bin Sather gives him the least amount of ice-time among NY centers, I'd love to know. Bobby Holik and Martin Rucinsky don't score much, but they shoot and play defense and stuff. I'm hoping that my eventual legacy to this column is the running saga of Antichrist Nedved, now soaring on the add list and, because of such, soon to be soaring on the drop list. Alex Kovalev is one game away from impaling himself on his stick, Matt Barnaby (though a favorite) is a borderline injury fill-in at best, Chris Simon still takes the occasional penalties (though nothing lately, thanks to Sather the Terrible), and everyone else mostly flat-out sucks. Any questions?

Defense

Brian Leetch is mediocre-to-poor of late, thanks in part to the so-tragically-laughable-that-it-makes-you-want-to-eat-mad-cow-infected-burgers power play, and thanks in part to the atrocious makes-you-want-to-feed-him-mad-cow-infected-burgers play of his partner, Tom Poti. Greg deVries is a steady defenseman rising up the ranks of the playa rater, though he doesn't do anything that impressive and lacks much upside. Vlad Malakhov is horrendous and I'm hoping that, in buddy-cop movie fashion, he gets shot and killed just a few months before his retirement. (That's a joke, by the way. Please don't shoot Vladimir Malakhov. I mean, unless you really feel you have to.)

Mailbag

First off, I get many emails from readers of this page, the vast majority of which are positive, and I try to take the time to respond to each one. ESPN does not pay me or any correspondent a single dime. We donate our time and effort to this site because we have a passion for writing, for the team we cover, for fantasy games, and for sports in general. I also want to point out that this is not a hockey column, it is a fantasy hockey column, and while the line between the two is often obscure, when assessing players and their overall value I also give special weight to their statistical impact, as this is of far more importance to readers of this column. Believe me, I'd love to write an entire column about Jed Ortmeyer and his spirited contributions. Space and practicality forbid this.

That said, I've gotten numerous emails over the past few weeks, some constructive, about Mark Messier. I stand by every single thing that I wrote. I am a huge fan of Messier and all that he's meant to New York, but despite his impressive stats to this point, as the captain of another woefully underachieving team BY NO MEANS is he to be excused from criticism. He was among one of the worst players on the ice in last night's disaster and that cannot be excused. Nevermind that from a fantasy perspective, he is currently ranked at #113 among forwards; history has shown that his production will slow as the season wears on. To those that would challenge this: put up or shut up. Add him to your roster and ride him all season. You'll get 40-50 points and nothing else. That makes him irrelevant.

Next Game -- I Don't Know, Thursday or Something

Against the Carolina Canes, I think, a team almost as woefully inept as us. Rangers and Canes have some bad blood between them, a sort of ghetto rivalry between two horrible teams going nowhere, the NHL equivalent of a catfight between Monica Lewinsky and LaToya Jackson. The Rangers are thoroughly awful and, once again, I'm hanging my head in shame at being their fan. Only the Rangers can have a fantastic road trip and then completely spoil everything within five minutes of being home. I feel like throwing mashed potatoes at them or something. I wonder if Isiah knows anything about hockey. Let's go Isiah.

This report is based on the Correspondent's point of view and may contain speculation as well as fact.

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