Yesterday there was a cornucopia of interesting Ranger articles to choose from -- Jagr, Dolan, Sather, the game itself -- today there are nothing but scraps in the locals. It's like I showed up too late for a party and all that's left are a few passed out people and a dozen lukewarm Heinekens. Great. How am I supposed to get wasted?!?!
In this case, The Manual for Modern Drunkards (rev. 6a) says there's nothing left to do but be extremely bitter and shave off the eyebrows and draw mustaches and beards on the previously conscious revelers. But before we begin the hijinx, you should know Bird wrote a new one for the Birdcage. I put him up here to spare him from the fray. Now, take out your Sharpie and we'll begin...
Someone alert CNN, for Dave Caldwell in the NY Times has a corker of a story today, DUNHAM MAY PLAY THIS WEEK! Woo. My head. I feel dizzy. How do ya like that mustache, Caldwell? You look like a pirate!
Wait, it gets better! The Daily News says, THE RANGERS HOPE THEIR CURRENT HOMESTAND STARTS A TURNAROUND!! My heart! I don't know how much more of this jolting news I can take. Dellapina gets the clippers, both eyebrows.
It's too bad Larry isn't writing today 'cause I'd sure like to give him a nice makeover. I'm thinking a Hare Krishna haircut and drawn-in eye glasses. He leaves poor Joseph Barracato in his place, but my sympathy evaporated after reading his "Jamie Is Happy To Be Back" article. That's funny, I thought a 23-year old player with a tenuous position on the roster and a still unproven NHL career would be disappointed upon returning to the lineup. Barracato = Porkchop sideburns.
Since I have already speculated in this very space that they're having some kind of dir-tay, fun-kay Ranger beat writer love tryst, I'm going to take Alan Hahn and his boring Lundmark article and Bridget Wentworth and her boring Lindros/Jagr article, pull them into a corner, pile one on top of the other, maybe make a few scratches in Alan's face using Bridget's nails, make a few rips on her shirt and smear her makeup, then go sit in the other corner with my dozen lukewarm Heinekens and wait for them to wake up. Should be fun.
(By the way, I know Steve Zipay and not Alan Hahn wrote the Newsday article, but that would've killed the joke! Besides, Bridget loves Alan, not Steve Zipay. Pay attention.)
Before anyone from the local media wants to call Bird or myself and complain about all this slander and face painting, as I explained, I'm just going by the Book. Yes, Revision 6a. I said that already.
- Rocha
Posted by pete at January 28, 2004 06:06 AMeMail this entry!
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