Hell froze over as the Rangers beat New Jersey, 3-1, their first win over the Devils in roughly 57 years. Overlord Sather--taking a page from the John Wayne Gacy school of motivation--taunted, threatened and ridiculed Mike Dunham before the game, which somehow inspired The Dude to turn in one of his best performances of the year. Dunham then went on a rampage in a downtown Burger King, killing seventeen. I'm kidding. Anyway, the Rangers survived another do-or-die game to prolong the agony and keep their otherwise gloomy playoff hopes alive, thus postponing the much-needed organizational purge and making sure that diehard fans like myself continue to watch this trainwreck right up until the last week of the season. That sound you heard was my will to live, slamming the door on its way out.

Mike Dunham -- Sticks and Stones...

As mentioned, Mike Dunham's ability to stop pucks was publically questioned by the Supreme Overlord, and the Rangers netminder shrugged it off with a Dude-like "I don't care" and then promptly went out and played one of his best games as a New York Ranger. For his next start, Overlord Sather plans to ask Dunham if he knew who his real father was and then make some comments about Mike's wife waiting down by the docks for fleet week. A sane coach would start his completely capable backup tonight against the Philadelphia Flyers, so expect Mike Dunham to be back between the pipes while Sather screams at him from the bench, asking if his parents had any children that lived. Oy vey.

Mmmmmmmm... Whipcreammmm...

No status update on the state of Eric Lindros -- still concussed, taking it easy, contemplating his future, doing puzzles, playing slot-cars with Mike Richter, making small forts out of couch cushions, enjoying Spectravision, etc. This is pure speculation, but don't expect to see the E-Train making any more of his appointed stops this season. Unless the Rangers win like their next 20 games, their playoff chances are about as realistic as me taking a whipcream bath with Jennifer Garner. Under those circumstances ... Lindros something ... not worth risking his health ... something ... Sorry, I got distracted by that whole whipcream bath idea. Anyway, I just don't see a completely naked Jennifer Garner returning to play hockey this season.

Ushering in the Jaromir Jagr Era

I'm enjoying the Jaromir Jagr Era more than I thought I would -- it's kinda like the NHL version of that Donald Trump show. Unlike the Nedveds and Kovys and Carters of the league, who basically come to New York to marry supermodels and die (not necessarily in that order), Jagr has been impressive and productive as a Ranger, which if history is any indication means that he's about to blow out an ACL. Paired with the most miserable man on the entire planet, Bobby Holik -- who would criticize his wife and new baby for excessive placenta size after 36 hours of labor -- and Ranger MVP candidate Martin Rucinsky, this potent line should produce solid fantasy numbers for the remainder of the season.

deVries Returns to deLineup

Greg deVries, back from injury, played a yeoman's 20+ minutes and didn't seem the least bit out of step. With the season-ending injuries to Darius Kasparaitis and (not offical but probably) Vlad Malakhov, the Vriester should see extra ice time down the stretch, and pre-injury he was the most reliable of the Rangers defensemen (+17 on the season). Tom Poti also returned to the lineup and had a solid game, maybe his best in weeks, which just goes to show that if you let him rest ten days between games and make sure that he doesn't try something crazy like tying his own skate laces, Tommy Franchise can be the all-star impact player that everyone expects him to be. Get off poor Tommy's back. Seriously. You might hurt him. He's very fragile.

Mailbag

Q: Hey dog, what up with Pavel Bure? A: Holy hell. You people hate me, don't you? What is it going to take to get you to stop asking me about Pavel Bure? I don't mean to be a grouch about this, but Pavel Bure can't even blow his nose without it being national hockey news, so how do you think the Rangers could hide his potential comeback without the entire sports world knowing? HE'S NOT COMING BACK!!! He can't skate, can't rehab; all he can do is sip mimosas and hang out with models with no vowels in their names. Why would he give up his Tony Montana lifestyle for a chance to permanently cripple himself on a team that might just go down as one of the biggest debacles in the entire history of sports? Dinner with Dale Purinton or Heidi Klum -- which would you choose? He's not coming back. EOS

Next Game, Tonight (Thursday), Philadelphia

Sean Burke set to make his Flyer debut, and Philly on a bit of a roll despite the fact that they had something named Antero Niimiiaiiaiikii in goal for them recently. Not much else to say. The Rangers sort of hover in limbo right now, not yet mathematically eliminated from the playoffs though feeling the inevitable failure breathing down their necks. Ranger fans, meanwhile, sit firmly in hell, knowing full well that this team is not good enough for the postseason but will still prolong the agony with some good play right up to the trade deadline, after which the window to rebuild with youth will shortly close and the team will then begin its furious and perennial fight for ninth place in the conference. Maybe Donald Trump can call Overlord Sather into the boardroom. Let's go Rangers.

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