Greetings again, hockey fans! I come to you again in sad times. Sad, not because the Rangers are a total abortion of unprecedented proportions, but because the Supreme Overlord, Glen Sather, decided to abdicate his coaching throne and give the primary game responsibilities over to Tom “Shortest Straw” Renney. Why would this make me sad, considering this is the only good news that Rangers fan have had all season? Because watching Glen Sather parade out old suits from the early 80s was making me laugh.

Am I the only one that noticed that we had the worst dressed head coach in the entire league? That you could imagine him looking in the mirror before a big game and saying to himself, “I wore this suit the night Risto Siltanen scored the hat trick against Ed Staniowski — maybe it’s lucky!”? Like the game itself, fashion and high couture have passed by Glen Sather faster than Martin Havlat playing one-on-one against Dale Purinton. Think there’s a correlation between the way a coach dresses and the success of his team. I do. And since it’s Oscar week and I’m feeling very catty, I figured it was time to channel my inner Mr. Blackwell and write a scathing review of the style decisions made in the Eastern Conference of the NHL. Enjoy! Meeee-owww!

I’m straight, by the way. I just wanted to point that out.

Eastern Conference (ranked best to worst)

Pittsburgh Penguins (Eddie Olczyk)
Like the Pens themselves, Eddie is young, fresh-faced, and promising. Definitely has a little “metro” in him, in the sense that he’d probably give an extended answer if you asked him what kind of product he uses in his hair. Reminds me of Richard Gere in “American Gigolo” — flashy and suave and appealing, but deep down he’s really just a vulnerable prostitute. Maybe they can rent Eddie out to pay Marc-Andre Fleury’s contract next season.

Atlanta Thrashers (Bob Hartley)
With the exception of metrosexual Eddie Olczyk, Hartley might be the snappiest guy in the league. Very crisp and stylish look, totally modern fashions, not afraid to take some chances. Hartley makes Glen Sather look like he’s wearing potato sacks and canvas ropes. Throw is his French accent and his success and, well, let’s just say that Hartley is the type of man that average guys like me would like to throw feces at.

Ottawa Senators (Jacques Martin)
Not much of a looker — sort of a French-Canadian version of Fred Flintstone — but keeps his wardrobe fairly conservative and understated. Decent suits and composure behind the bench; except for the occasional $3 tie, not much to criticize him for. Has that awkward but calm “I don’t know anyone here at this wedding” look about him. May or may not have a tail.

Philadelphia Flyers (Ken Hitchcock)
Fat guy + bad suit = shooting fish + barrel. Hitch’s corpulence gives him a Brando-esque stateliness, and his Flyers players don’t seem to rally around him as much as simply being drawn into orbit by a strong gravitational pull. I don’t know what sophisticated system of girdles and pulleys and buttresses are holding his seams together, but whoever tailored it should be working for NASA. Work it, fat man!

Carolina Hurricanes (Peter Laviolette)
I don’t have much to say about Pete, and I’m not even sure what this means really, but Laviolette looks like a guy whose wife dresses him. If he ever gets divorced there’s a 75% chance that he shows up to games in sweat pants.

Florida Panthers (John Torchetti)
First off, without even looking at him, Torchetti would be a great name for the lead character in a Steven Segal movie. “Torchetti, you’ve gone to far!” or “You may run Little Havana, Diego, but you don’t run John Torchetti.” Anyway – meh. JT seems like an average guy, I guess. I can’t think of much else. I think he needs a little bit of flair. He should consider growing mutton chops.

New Jersey Devils (Pat Burns)
Pat Burns is a former cop, which explains why most of his suits are from the Andy Sipowicz collection. Style-wise he never recovered from shaving off his moustache years ago, even if he did win the Cup sans facial hair. These days he looks more like a guy that wants to know if you’d like your loved one entombed in a casket or an urn.

Montreal Canadians (Claude Julien)
I think the best way to describe Julien’s sense of fashion is that he really is a perfect blend of the terms “French” and “Canadian.” Sort of an arty, intellectual, European look mixed with some clothes you might find on the rack at J C Penney’s. Kind of, how you say, schlopp-pee. Just a guess but I think his sport coats cover up a lot of wine stains.

Boston Bruins (Mike Sullivan)
Beer is on the house at the Knights of Columbus whenever a team in Boston lets a guy named Mike O’Connell hire a guy named Sully to coach a hockey team. Sully reminds me of the awkward way my frat-friends in college used to dress for job interviews: wrinkled collars (pronounced “cawl-ors”), regimental striped ties, navy suits — nothing you wouldn’t find in a Land’s End catalog. I don’t think I’d be the least bit surprised if he wore a tattered BC baseball hat behind the bench one night.

Tampa Bay (John Tortorella)
Hey John, Arthur Fonzerelli called. He wants his look back. Maybe it’s the goatee, but Torts just reminds me of one of those personal injury lawyers that advertise on the Jerry Springer show. There’s just some sleezy “customized Camaro” quality to him. I guess he’s a good coach, but he still seems like the kind of guy that would buy himself a gold bracelet.

New York Islanders (Steve Stirling)
I take one look at Steve Stirling and I think to myself “Southern Baptist preacher with something to hide.” Maybe he’s secretly a member of the Klan, maybe he frequently patronizes a brothel that he publically wants to shut down – whatever. Should consider cradling a Bible under his arms during the game, maybe calling out a player or two for being “sinners.” If this hockey thing doesn’t work out for him, I hear The 700 Club is hiring.

Buffalo Sabres (Lindy Ruff)
When your first name is Lindy, you can pretty much scratch off names like Armani and Gucci from your fashion radar. Might be the first time that a head coach’s wardrobe was paid for with Marlboro Miles. I give Lindy a little credit though, as you can barely see the Dale Earnhardt tee underneath his dress shirt. Lindy should consider accessorizing his look, perhaps with some flip-flops, a rope belt, and a beer kept cool in a foam cup holder.

Washington Capitals (Glen Hanlon)
I got nothing. In fact, when I punched his name into a search engine to find some pictures of him behind the bench, all that came up were a few shots of him wearing the old “V” sweaters of the Vancouver Canucks. And really, once you throw one of those jerseys on, your fashion sense is pretty much blemished for the rest of your life. It’s like a scarlet V, except it’s orange. OK, I’m babbling now.

Toronto Maple Leafs (Pat Quinn)
I think he slimmed down last season just so he could buy Glen Sather’s old suits on eBay. Fashion-wise he’s a horror show: old clothes, unkempt hair, and skin so weathered you’d think he spent the last ten years on a bender with Charles Bukowski. One look at a guy like Pat Quinn and you understand why you don’t talk politics or religion in a bar. Five bucks says that he has a tattoo of a battleship on one of his forearms.

New York Rangers (Glen Sather / Tom Renney)
Glen Sather? Ugh. Sloppy, undisciplined, at times makes you cringe – sort of like the Rangers! I wish I could pinpoint the moment when Glen Sather gave up all hope and started to recycle old outfits from the back of his closet. We were literally two more weeks away from plaid suits and butterfly collars. And now he’s gone. Sigh. Anyway, in all fairness, I haven’t had enough time to evaluate Tom Renney, so anything I say should be considered interim criticism.

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