Game Seven, Stanley Cup, Bolts versus Flames. You know what’s at stake. You know the drama involved. And you know why I’m here: to shamelessly rip off ESPN’s Sports Guy Bill Simmons with another NHL-themed running diary on what might be the last hockey game in a long, long time. But before we drop the puck, let me just get this off my chest.

Five Things I Haven’t Made a Final Decision On

5. Amy Lee
4. Jon Leiber in the postseason
3. The new 1.5 liter Coke bottles
2. $27.99 for "The Dukes of Hazzard" Season One DVD
1. Vinny Lecavalier

Honestly, I’m not a Vinny fan. Don't know why. Maybe it's the boyish nontraditional hockey looks, the foofy Frenchy accent, the stigma of being a former number one — I don't know. It’s cliché at this point to write about Lecavalier’s struggles in the finals, and I’m not about to call the kid a career flop at age 24, but I do think that tonight’s game determines whether he becomes a perennial all-star or this generation's Jimmy Carson. He’s been second-banana to unheralded Brad Richards since he entered the league, and with Martin St. Louis emerging this season and Freddy Modin kicking his game up about fifty notches in the last two months, I think it’s a legitimate question to wonder if Lecavalier has that big-game ability that defines the premier players in the game. With his petulant history, his holdout, his occasional drifting, and all the patience the Lightning have shown him, doesn’t Lecavalier owe his fran-cheese a big game when it's on the line? I think so. Even Coach Fonzie Tortorella knows the significance of this game for Vinny's career arc. Bolts lose and I gotta think his head gets firmly mounted in Jarome Iginla's living room. But that's just me.

Anyway, enough of my soap-boxing. Game's on! Without further ado ...

8:00 — Welcome to the St. Pete Times Forum in sunny Tampa Bay! Because when you think ice hockey, you think of Tampa Bay. Tonight’s game is sponsored in part by Vicodin, which I have on prescription to deal with a persistent, um, foot infection. Later on Courtney Love and Rush Limbaugh are dropping by to help me seal my windows with tin-foil and duct tape. Should be a hoot.

8:02 — Nice promo piece hyping the game and summing up the series to date. Briefly, Calgary hits everything in sight, Tampa protects a lead as well as anyone in the past ten years. In between both coaches threw a hissy fit. Welcome to Game Seven.

8:05 — Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, and the venerable John Davidson recap the two Conn Smythe finalists, Jarome Iginla and Brad “Boy Band” Richards. Two of the game’s best, no question. Even their playoffs beards are going whisker to whisker. Richards looks like a gay warewolf, while Iggy's sporting the patchy "Bubbles the crack addict in The Wire" look. It also bears noting that Lecavalier has gone sans facial hair throughout these entire playoffs. I’m just saying is all.

8:08 — Say what you want to about Hulk Hogan, but you really have to be impressed by a 75-year-old guy that can fire up a packed arena just by tearing off his shirt and exposing his flabby, freshly shaven chest. And yet when I try this move on the bus suddenly I'm a "public nuisance." Whatever.

8:11 — ABC's done everything but show naked photos of Ken Hitchcock to detract viewers, but in the spirit of fairness I have to give them credit for one pure marketing decision that TOTALLY works for me: the lovely and talented Ms. Erin Andrews. Adorable. Sideline reporter, I know, but she’s very cute. Even the players like her, like when a winded and delirious Craig Conroy ended his postgame interview the other night by saying, “I want to kiss you right now.”

8:12 — Note to future NHL TV rights owners, NBC: show the anthems! The angle on this series is Canada against the U.S. And there is nothing more moving in sports than hearing a frenzied crowd driven to pure silence during a moment of national pride. It's very important and we want to see it. Granted, it's not like this country is at war or anything ...

8:14 — Puck drops and play begins. And then there's a penalty. Sigh. If the NHL were a movie script, it would be ... well, I'm drawing a blank here. But I imagine that Kate Hudson would star in it, whatever that means.

The future Mrs Brian Leeds, Pre-Restraining Order

8:20 — JD mentions that Lecavalier has been invisible since Ville Nieminen tried to put his skull through the plexiglass in Game Four. Great point. Nieminen, incidentally, took Game Five off to have the words “Thug Life” tattooed across his stomach, complete with an umlaut over the “u”. Nice touch.

8:28 — Did everyone else just see Erin Andrews dance seductively and blow kisses toward the TV camera while the music from “American Beauty” played in the background? No? Must be a glitch in my DirecTV feed. The Vicodin just kicked in, by the way.

8:32 — First Calgary scoring chance goes to mohawked former Ranger Chris Simon. Now I like Chris Simon and all, but how can I not be a little bitter about this? Isn’t this like an ex-girlfriend getting breast implants after a mutual breakup? Shouldn't he wear a black armband with the Rangers logo or something?

8:41 — Score! Rusty Fedotenko off a Brad Richards rebound. And it’s a power play goal! Bolts strike first. That bad pun brought to you by Vicodin! Vicodin — because you really weren't going to work tomorrow, were you?

8:44 — Sam Ryan. Meh. One sideline hottie is nice, but another less-hot and more refined sideline reporter is just overkill. It’s like when Carmen Electra joined Pam Anderson and Yasmin Bleeth in the cast of Baywatch. OK, it’s absolutely nothing like that, but you get the idea.

8:45 — Dan Boyle hits the post as the Calgary Flames are showing some breakdowns. Darryl Sutter should call a timeout and calm his team with his hilarious Sloth from The Goonies impression.

8:53 — End of one, Tampa ahead with a decided edge in play. Streets are packed with fans outside The Pete, just in case the ones inside the arena don’t do enough postgame rioting and looting. I hope Bird didn’t park the family roadster in the Flaming Overturned Car Lot.

8:55 — ABC just hyped something called “Summer of a Billion Laughs” featuring a bunch of actors that I swear I saw working a boat show last month. Oh boy. I guess the more realistic "Summer of Maybe Three Laughs and a Half-Dozen Solid Guffaws" just wasn't drawing the viewers in.

8:59 — I think Canada is behind Calgary in the way the music industry got behind 2 Live Crew in the early 90s, or the way that Amber suddenly became a perfect 10 if you watched too much Survivor.

9:03 — My girl Erin interviewing Brad Richards. They have no chemistry whatsoever. Erin can't even make eye contact, she's so repulsed by the Tampa forward. Plus, Brad Richards is gay. I cracked open a beer about ten minutes ago. The Vicodin was making my throat dry.

9:06 — Number 5a on my “Things I Haven’t Made a Decision On” is Mark Cuban owning a hockey franchise. Yes, he’s repellent and annoying, but doesn’t the struggling NHL need a wildcard owner to stir some crap up and call out Commissioner Paul Simon on some of his nonsense? In your heart you’re saying no, but in your head you’re picturing this wild WWE scene where Cuban does a shirtless belly-slide across the ice while Bettman yammers on about cost certainty and salary caps.

9:10 — As play resumes, it occurs to me that there isn’t much happening on the ice right now, unless you’re a fan of close efficient dump-ins and blocked shots. To steal a good joke, I think my Afanasenkov just fell asleep.

9:16 — Really awesome computer animation thing about the “controversial” Martin Gelinas goal / no goal from Game Six. My opinion is that two things are badly missed here. A) What a save! And B) Why didn’t the refs go to the video tape? Aren’t these things in place just to prevent people like me from using quotes around the word “controversial”? Maybe there is a big conspiracy against Canada. This series, the 2002 Olympics, Geddy Lee's solo album — it all ties in.

9:27 — As said, Tampa protects a lead better than anyone in modern hockey history. Which means I haven't been this bored with an on-the-edge-of-your-seat moment since Coach Tortorella jumped over the shark tank on his waterskis. Yawn.

9:32 — Erin Andrews: "Martin St Louis … undrafted … University of Vermont … blah blah blah … I’m waiting for you, Brian … Hockey players bore me, writers turn me on ... I’m all yours … We can talk about Reijo Ruotsalainen all night … Take me now, stud … blah blah blah …"

9:41 — OK, I’ll say it: Phil Pritchard’s affection for the Stanley Cup really creeps me out.

9:42 — Score! Rusty Fedotenko again, from a brilliant play by Vinny Lecavalier! I guess some apologies are in order, huh? Oops. That stuff above about you being an overrated French wuss — typos. Vous êtes l'homme.

9:48 — When the DVD for the 2003-2004 NHL season comes out, make sure that it's subtitled "The Year of the Icing." This series definitely set a record for the amount of times a puck was flipped over three lines on the rink.

9:57 — Should I be a buzzkill at this point and mention the impending lockout? Probably not. But I think the look on Barry Melrose's face says it all. He looks like a politician that just got beat in a primary. The party's over. He's going to retire to Hockey Falls and coach the mullet-headed Bud Light kids. Tragic, really. Curse you, Gary Bettman!

10:01 — Our last between periods interview together has inspired me to write this impromptu song about my beloved.

Oh, Erin!
Well you came and you talked about hockey.
But now you’re going away!
Oh, Erin!
You made these crappy finals worth watching,
But ABC’s dumping your feed!
Oh, Erin!

(Just forward the restraining order to the Betty Ford Clinic at this point.)

10:15 — Puck drops at the start of the third, and I just want to use these fleeting moments to congratulate my adopted playoff team, the Flames, for an amazing run. I think they're the lowest seed to make the finals, and if you look at their anonymous roster (after Iggy, at least) and the injuries they've faced, what they've accomplished in pretty impressive. Fantastic performance, Canada, so hold your heads high. But you know you lost, right? Just making sure. USA! USA! USA!

10:28 — Score!!! Craig Conroy, power play, after a DREADFUL call on Nolan Pratt. Hold the phone. Ten minutes to play, Jarome Iginla a shot away from tying the game, the Stanley Cup on the line … and most of you are watching a repeat of “CSI: Miami” right now. Oy vey.

10:34 — Calgary on the press, led by Iginla. What a game! Meanwhile David Caruso just got the results from the lab ... and it turns out there wasn’t just heroin in the hooker's bloodstream but arsenic too! Did I say “oy vey” yet? Oy vey.

10:38 — Flames pushing everything toward the net, with Khabibulin turning everything aside, including a phenomenal kick save on Jordan Leopold. Brad Richards has locked up the Conn Smythe with overall dominance, but Khabby has been very underrated in the games that have mattered most. It's all the more impressive since he always looks like he spent three hours in a closet doing bong hits with Mike Dunham.

10:43 — Huge give-us-a-chance save by Miikka Kiprusoff on, um, Vinny Lecavalier. OK, my last point about Jordan on Skates here: Brad Richards and MSL score that goal. That’s all I’m saying.

10:45 — With a minute and a half left, this is now Dave Andreychuk reflection time. Gary Thorne, for those that don't remember, used to do play-by-play for the Devils and therefore has a sentimental tie to Big Dave. So pardon him if this makes him misty, OK?

10:47 — And with one minute left in the game, the NHL shoots itself in the foot again by calling a penalty to effectively decide the Stanley Cup. And yeah, it was a penalty. But was it that egregious to end Game Seven of the Stanley Cup finals? I don’t know. At this point I'd rather err on the side of drama. Any Lightning player goes near a Flame at this point and they’ll call a payback penalty.

10:48 — Twenty-two seconds left, Dave Andrychuk, tripping. Sigh.

10:50 — And the Tampa Bay Lightning win their first Stanley Cup! Brian Bradley and Paul Ysebaert are doing cartwheels in their graves! Excited Tampa fans are flipping Bird’s car as we speak!

Vinny Lecavalier, Silencing My Dumb Ass

10:52 — Handshake. Do other sports do this? And what a fantastic job by ABC of following Jarome Iginla as he shakes hands with Lecavalier, Darryl Sydor, Pavel Kubina, and all the other guys he fought his ass off against during the series. Oh, wait. They didn’t do this. Instead they showed us some mumbly interview with Ruslan Fedotenko. Please be paying attention to this, NBC Sports. Please.

10:56 — Brad Richards wins the Conn Smythe. No surprise here. Brad is one of my long-term keeper league fantasy guys, so I almost feel like a proud papa here. Of course, this means I have to fend off "Richards for Eric Lindros" trade offers all summer. Note to everyone in the league: he's not for sale.

10:58 — Gary Bettman: “This trophy is as good as it gets in sports. There are a lot of people in the organization to congratulate. You fans deserve congratulations for the great support you've given this team. It's too bad that all the policies I'm advocating will ensure that you never see the Stanley Cup again. But really, when you think about it, if it weren't for my failed plan of expansion and overregulating the game to cater toward a mainstream TV audience that never came, you fossilized mudpeople wouldn't even get this one fleeting moment of drunken bystandery. So don't hold me accountable for the mismanaging of the league and ruining the game, because I'm just a small man running a sport I don't understand. Plus, my parents were first cousins. Screw you, Tampa. Go fuck yourselves, NHL fans. Me and Julio down by the schoolyard." OK, I made most of that up.

11:00 — Dave Andrychuk now with the Cup. Nice stuff, but didn’t he win a Cup with the Devils? Are you sure he didn’t? Did anyone actually look this up? Seriously.

11:02 — Martin St Louis, no bigger than the Cup itself, holding the immaculate silver trophy over his head, a fresh wound across his nose, a Hart Trophy waiting for him. And here’s the point where I break down and start to cry because I’m really really REALLY going to miss this game. This is the NHL. I know this game is broken and needs repair, but despite what these TV numbers are saying, out there are some passionate, hardcore, dedicated fans that live and breath for this sport and for moments just like this. And as shallow as it may be, hockey is an integral part of us and without it in our lives we feel an absence, a loss both profound and meaningful in ways I can’t describe. I love hockey. I love the NHL. And I hope that all the people involved in the game get its problems corrected as quickly as possible and realize that our hearts, raised mighty with Stanley Cup glory, are just as easily fragile. [Audible sob, bartender waiving toward security.]

Don't be a stranger, NHL. That's all I'm saying.

11:05 — And with Nik Khabibulin’s incoherent postgame interview in which he "hasn't digested it all yet" I bid adieu to the 2003-2004 NHL season. Hurry back, league. Hurry back.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go lop off my ear to send to a certain lovely blonde reporter over at ESPN.

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