I don’t want to get everyone excited, but Gary Bettman just announced that the NHL lockout will be settled on the exact same day that Guns & Roses releases “Chinese Democracy.”

In other words, don’t hold your breath. And like Axel Rose, even when hockey does come back, chances are it will be bloated, out of shape, and sporting about a dozen embarrassing cosmetic surgeries. Is there anything more pathetic in sports right now than the NHL? In terms of credibility it lies somewhere between those Big-Air Dog Competitions and the WNBA all-star game. A team of Carson Kressley, Paige Davis, and those Nannies-911 couldn’t even fix this league with a fabulous makeover. I watch none of those shows, by the way.

With hockey probably on the verge of some kind of settlement or something, there’s been a lot of talk — maybe too much talk, as Bono would say — about how to rehabilitate the NHL when it does come back. And, quite frankly, most of the suggestions are a steaming load of crap. I mean, these same rocket scientists destroyed the game through overexpansion, insane contracts and excremental officiating, they out-priced hardcore fans by catering to disinterested corporate spectators, and alienated just about everyone else with a lockout pitting the greedy against the ultra-greedy. And now their big solution to remedy the game and regain our trust is … (drumroll, please) … shiny new jerseys. Are you f**king kidding me? Why not just dangle carkeys in front of us until we smile?

Anyway, because it seems to be in style, and because I haven’t written a new column since Mark Messier retired — that did happen, right? Right!? — here are my ten suggestions for the NHL, Version 2.0. Grab a beer and cue up the opening riff of “Welcome to the Jungle.” Game on, kids!

1. Fire Gary Bettman

Here’s my dream scenario for how the new season should start.

[Voice over on black screen]: The following events happen in real time, 7:05 on the first night of the 2005 NHL season.

[CUT TO a very haggard Keifer Sutherland dragging a hooded figure across a vacant lot. He finds a secluded corner and pulls off the hood. It’s Gary Bettman. Keifer pulls a gun from his waist, cocks it, and puts it to the Commissioner’s head. Bettman starts to begs for his life.]

Bettman: I had to achieve cost certainty! The salary cap was inevitable! I had no choice! You don’t know how hard it is to work for people like Jeremy Jacobs! The lockout was their idea! Please don’t kill me! I was only following orders!

[Keifer pauses and takes a deep breath.]

Jack Bauer Would Do Anything to Protect the NHL

Keifer: I’m sorry, Mr. Commissioner.

[He pulls the trigger and shoots him in the head. He grabs a cell phone from his pocket.]

[CUT TO Wayne Gretzky answering his phone. He’s presiding over a boardroom with Jarome Iginla, Chris Pronger, Brad Richards, and Martin Brodeur. Gretzky listens intently, bows his head, and slowly closes his cell phone.]

Gretzky: It’s done.

[Everyone in the room silently nods. END SCENE.]

Ratings would go through the f**king roof.

2. Give Sidney Crosby to the Rangers

Arguing this with a non-Rangers fan is like explaining to a 16-year-old why “The Godfather” is a better movie than “Napolean Dynamite.” The reason why the NHL is where it is right now is because the New York Rangers — the most financially successful organization with the largest fanbase — became as watchable as a Ken Hitchcock porn shoot. The league needs the Rangers to garner attention, negative or otherwise. By giving the Blueshirts a prized jewel like Sidney Crosby, the NHL invigorates the most important franchise, puts its most marketable commodity on the front page of every sports magazine in the country, and gives millions of fans everywhere yet another reason to despise New York. Everyone wins. Why can’t Canada see this?

And it’s not like this would take much effort either, because no one pays attention to the NHL lottery anyway. They could announce some phony-baloney system where the top pick is awarded to the team run by the GM with the most suits from the early 80s, throw a quick Rangers jersey on the kid, snap some photos, hand out some ice cream, make another half-dozen playoff guarantees, and then refuse to ever answer any further questions about it. It’s the 25th anniversary of the Knicks “winning” the Patrick Ewing lottery — we’re due for some shifty rules. I happily accept that the Rangers are the NHL’s evil wrestlers, so even if Don Maloney has to sneak behind Kris King and club him with a steel chair just as he’s about to hand Bettman the card with the lottery winner, I’m all for it.

3. Fire Gary Bettman

I understand that in terms of job desirability, Bettman’s position as NHL Commissioner ranks somewhere between Press Secretary for the Antichrist and New York Yankees GM. But no single individual has done more to alienate fans and ruin the game of hockey than Commissioner Butthead. Even those that sided with the owners during the lockout universally agree that Gary Bettman is an incompetent, arrogant buffoon that completely misunderstood the game he was appointed to run and reduced a fairly functional league to absolute rubble. Hockey unprecedently lost an entire year of play under his watch, about a dozen teams cried bankruptcy before the break, seats were empty during the playoffs, talented players had to perform with minor-leaguers taped to their backs, good players are fleeing the country for the Euro ligas, and even Barry Melrose’s mullet couldn’t save the league from whoring itself out to television stations like it was a member of the Hilton family. Bettman HAS to go. We need a token execution here. Give him a nice severance package and let him go back on tour with Art Garfunkel. Heck, while we’re at it, fire Bob Goodenow too. Let him go back to his original job of wrangling sick kids for the Neverland Ranch.

4. Get Rid of the Old Guys

I don’t hate old people, and in fact most of the guys I’m thinking about here (Brett Hull, Chris Chelios, Luc Robitaille, Mario Lemieux, Brian Leetch) are among the greatest ever. And, yes, they can still play the game. But for a league that needs to completely rehab its image, it must be more active in promoting its younger stars and unfortunately these poised older guys are getting too much attention. That Flyer idiot Jeremy Roenick became the player’s mouthpiece during the lockout, and he hasn’t been relevant for almost five years (he had less points than Martin Erat). Where were the Joe Thornton interviews, or the Dany Heatley interviews, or the Rick DiPietro interviews? These are the guys that are going to bring the game back, not these media savvy vets that trudge through the regular season like Loverboy singing “Working for the Weekend” on Hit Me Baby One More Time.

I’m thinking that before every season they should make anyone over the age of 35 play in some Logan’s Run four-on-four deathmatch against Ilya Kovalchuk, Rick Nash, Jordan Leopold and Mike Komisarek. Either they drop dead or impale themselves on their sticks in shame. And if they score a goal, they get to play in the league for one more year. Trust me, nothing would highlight the disparity between age and skill than something like this. The crafty old guys slow the game down because they have to; Chris Chelios can ice a puck just by sneering at it. And cutting BenGay out of the budget might actually get some of these teams under the cap. Again, everyone wins.

5. Fire Gary Bettman

Anyone else notice that David Stern bent the NBA’s Player Association over and hammered out a deal in under four days? Meanwhile, Fredo Corleone has run hockey into the dirt, banging Canadian fran-cheeses two at a time. How does this guy still have a job? Let me type that in caps to express my anger and amazement: HOW DOES THIS GUY STILL HAVE A JOB!!!?

Let’s say I hire you to run my modestly successful Mom-and-Pop candy store, and within one week you suggest that I take out a second mortgage to expand my business. And instead of selling candy, you somehow convince me to strangle and sell dead kittens. Then you convince me to sign a bad contract in which I pay way too much money for kittens to strangle. Finally, when the dead kittens shockingly don’t sell and I’m on the verge of bankruptcy, you tell me that I should close my store for a year and refuse to sell any dead kittens to anyone. And then your best solution for reviving this business is to put new jerseys on the dead kittens and limit the amount that a customer may buy. Meow.

Hmm ... What If I Had Dead Kittens in a Shootout?

Here’s the point: you won’t like the new NHL under Gary Bettman unless you like dead kittens.

6. No Shootouts, Ever

This is just an awful idea. I’m convinced that the people pushing for this are also responsible for getting Lindsey Lohan to lose weight and setting Katie Holmes up with Tom Cruise. Believe me, I understand that there is no greater drama in all of sports than the mano a mano challenge between skater and goalie. And it’s far more gratifying to walk out of an arena with a sense of closure than it is to take comfort in the mutual draw. But like a boob job on a 40-year-old, I think this radical change is just a temporary fix of a larger problem that may seem kinda cool for a while but will eventually look sad, pathetic, and downright embarrassing. The NBA is not going to use a slam dunk contest to unknot a tie, overtime in football is not going to be decided by a game of Punt Pass Kick, and baseball does not become a home run derby after nine innings. Why must the NHL be the poster boy for this experiment in instant gratification?

Forget that this proud game would now ultimately be decided by a handful of individuals whose skill does not necessarily translate to the team game — suddenly Miro Satan is the most valuable player in the league. And forget that crucial standings are now decided by a challenge in which pure luck is a major factor. And forget that at the current rate almost 20% to 25% of the regular-season games will be decided on the shootout, which means that teams will eventually have to have guys on their limited bench that are just shootout specialists, even if they can’t do anything else on the ice like backcheck, forecheck, or check in general. Satan, luck and no contact — game on, NHL! Maybe the games will be broadcast on the Lifetime Channel.

And I’m stunned that the league would favor this stupid idea, because when you have a dull game that struggles to make any money, can’t attract fans, and can’t sell any ad space whatsoever, it’s always a smart move to distill the entire sport down to thirty seconds. Might as well just call the shootout the money shot. Does anyone else want to buy a DVD called “Jagr Dumpsters” from a shady dude in a trenchcoat that tells you that you're about to see things that you can’t unsee? Me neither.

7. Fire Gary Bettman

Anyone else realize that, without expressly using the words, Gary Bettman was essentially saying that the players in the NHL were not worth the money that they were being paid? So now how does this guy retain any credibility with the players when he talks about how great the game is and how talented these same players are? “Please come out to watch the most talented athletes in the world compete in the greatest game on Earth. Of course, I made them give back one-fourth of their paycheck because they’re overpaid. I told them that I would crush their union like a bug and make them bow to their knees! Who’s laughing now? And check out the new faggotty jerseys I’m making them wear! Suck it, bitch! I rule you!”

What’s going to happen if someone like Joe Sakic has to accept the Stanley Cup from Bettman after hearing another one of his “these guys epitomize the dedication and determination of our league” speeches — I’m thinking he might snap and say “Thanks, asshole” before spearing him in the nuts. Or what happens when one of the Federov brothers needs a new muffler for one of his Ferrari’s? Or when Jose Theodore’s family goes on a crime-spree and needs bail money? Or when Martin Brodeur decides to sleep with another in-law? And what the hell is going to happen if Theo Fleury decides to make another comeback? Trust me, this is going to end badly if Bettman stays around.

8. Declare Todd Bertuzzi an Entity Unto Himself

I honestly don’t know what to do with Bertuzzi. On the one hand, he’s arguably the best player in the league (at least he was, like, two years ago). On the other hand, he almost killed a guy. The league needs him to play like an animal, but also needs to keep him on a short leash so that he does not accidentally revert to his feral instincts and rip someone’s jugular out. Fortunately, I have a solution: make him rotate and play random games for every team in the league. That way, fans get to see his talent and tenaciousness, all the while confused enough that they don’t have time to stage a rally against him, while he himself doesn’t get to form any of the warped sense of team unity that once led him to blindside an opponent face-first into the ice. Plus, all the travel and adjustment might have some sort of sedative effect on him. Also, in any game he plays, referees are allowed to carry tranquilizer guns, just as a precaution.

Coming to an Arena Near You ...

Think about it: your home team is playing some boring game against the Ducks or something, when suddenly Todd Bertuzzi shows up like Clint Eastwood, scores two goals and beats someone to a pulp. Then you never see him again. Who wouldn’t love this? It would be like a one-night stand with a big sweaty hairy man. Maybe I should rephrase that.

Seriously, though. Everyone would definitely talk about the night that Todd Bertuzzi showed up and kicked a little ass. We could even make him give these surly lone-wolf interviews like he was The Undertaker or something. This idea is making me giddy. Todd Bertuzzi — man without a team, coming to a town near you! I have to go lie down.

9. Fire Gary Bettman

I was talking to one of my Canadian friends the other day and I mentioned that it looks like the lockout was coming to end. I asked whether he was excited or not to have hockey back.

“We never lost it,” he said. “Sure, the NHL is great, but that’s not where the game ends for us. Small cold communities everywhere rally around their minor league team and pack the local venues every night. Our junior system is a thriving, popular enterprise. We have a great college game that allows us to steal scholarship money from untalented Americans south of the border. With the internet and developing satellite TV, you can even follows the pros over in the Euro Leagues. And none of those things speaks to what playing the game itself means to us, whether it’s a beer league tourney, a Friday-night pickup game, or just a nice afternoon out on the local pond. Hockey is part of our way of life, not the NHL.”

OK, I made that entire speech up. In reality I think my Canadian friend said something like, “Lockout? What’s that a-boot, eh?” Then he called Tomas Kaberle a pussy, mumbled the chorus to “Fly by Night” and passed out from his 18th beer. But all the above stuff, even if I made it up, is entirely true.

Gary Bettman is a tyrant. He overexpanded into markets that had no attachment to the game, diluting the talentbase in the process. He tweeked the rules to cater to a younger and hipper audience which never came, and opened the door for slick coaches to slow the game to a grind. He encouraged franchises to move south for greater revenue, and negotiated a CBA that crushed small-markets and devastated franchises. He orchestrated a lockout that will forever tarnish the reputation of the professional sport and probably change the way that hockey is played in the future. And while all this is going on, he continues to smile for the public and act as if the game has never been better, as if he actually gives a crap about the fans and the players, and doesn’t see more than dollars and cents for the multimillionaires that pull his puppet strings.

And despite all this, because we love the game, we still wait with baited breath for its pending return. Yet I’ve learned to live my life without the NHL, because I still have the game of hockey around me. Keep that in mind, NHL Board of Directors. I don’t need Gary Bettman and the NHL survive. But you guys definitely do need fans like me.

10. Fire Gary Bettman

Seriously though, the guy is a dick. We hate him. Just fire him, hire Gretzky, and make us all happy.

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