Hello NY and everywhere else, welcome back to the Birdcage. In our never ending attempt to bring you the best Ranger and NHL information I sent out one of our crack reporters to find out the status of Mark Messier. Our agent was able to gain access to some wiretapping equipment and the following is a fictional phone call that we secretly recorded and transcribed just for you, the Hockeybird reader.
Slats: Hello, Mark?
Mess: Yello?
Slats: Hey Mark, it's me Glen Sather.
Mess: Hey coach.....how's it going, eh?
Slats: Fine Mark, Fine. Listen, I'm sure you heard that we're gonna have a season.
Mess: Really? That's great. 'bout time. What was the hold up?
Slats: Well, the NHLPA wouldn't agree to a salary cap until now.
Mess: You mean they agreed to it?
Slats: Yes.
Mess: Oh fuck. Oh well, what else did they agree too?
Slats: Some new rules and drug testing, nothing to worry about.
Mess: Drug testing? Crap. Thanks Santa Claus, what else did you want?
Slats: Well, I was wondering what your plans were.
Mess: I was thinking about having lunch and then maybe take my son to the strip cl.....er, mall.
Slats: No Mark, not your plans for the day. I wanted to know what your plans were for playing this season.
Mess: Oh, I see. Well, what's the offer?
Slats: There is no offer yet Mark. I wanted to know what your plans were. Ya see, we only have a certain amount we can spend on players this year. I was thinking that maybe you'd think about retiring.
Mess: I did think about that.
Slats: And?
Mess: I'm still thinking.
Slats: You know, some have been calling for your retirement for a while now.
Mess: Like who?
Slats: Hockeybird for one.
Mess: Hockeybird? He called me the greatest player he's ever seen live.
Slats: He also posted that picture of you and Gary Coleman.
Mess: Oh shit, you're right. How'd he get that? And what the hell does Hockeybird know about hockey anyway? Stupid goalie.
Slats: Even Larry Brooks says you should go.
Mess: Brooks? That little weasel.....what does he know?
Slats: Good point. I never liked him anyway. So, are you playing?
Mess: I'm still thinking. Drug testing, really?
Slats: For steroids Mark, steroids. So, are you going to play?
Mess: Oh, whew. So I can still take my Geritol?
Slats: Yes Mark. Coach Renny is here and Donny Maloney and we just wanted to know if you plan on playing this year.
Mess: It's still July, coach. You know I think about things during the summer. Call me in September.
Slats: I see. And if you decided you'd still play.....what kind of pay would you be looking for?
Mess: Hold on......lemme ask my brother. (yelling) Hey, what are we asking for?
He says three years at $5mil per.
Slats: Um, three years? $5mil? That's kinda steep, no?
Mess: Coach.....I won six cups. I killed the curse of 1940.
Slats: Mark, 1994 was 12 years ago.
Mess: Geeze has it been that long?
Slats: Yes Mark. And, if you played another three seasons you'd be 50 years old. We were thinking that maybe we could have a big night at the Garden for you. You know, the video tribute, presents, the whole nine yards. I even got you a very nice crystal stick.
Mess: 12 years eh? Man, it seems like yesterday.
Slats: Pay attention Mark, this is important.
Mess: What? Oh....OK, what's Brian, Adam and Ricky doing?
Slats: Mark, Adam is retired and so is Richter. We traded Brian last year to Toronto.
Mess: Trade Zubov. Get rid of that guy....he's a pussy.
Slats: Huh?
Mess: Didn't you see that guy flinch every time he went into the corner? The Flyers owned him. He's a pussy, trade him.
Slats: Mark, are you OK? Zubov was traded back in '97, I wasn't even here yet.
Mess: What? Oh yeah......um, my brother says that Vancouver is offering three years at $7mil per, can you match that?
Slats: Mark, have you been drinking?
Mess: That Madonna's a hot piece of ass, eh?
Slats: Mark, pay attention......this is important.
Mess: She claimed she never had a hockey player before me but I didn't believe her.
Slats: MARK!
Mess: What?
Slats: One year at $700,00. We'll use you on the fourth line and some big face-offs.
Mess: We Will Win!
Slats: Take it or leave it Mark.
Mess: Fredericka.....Mmmmmmmmm
Slats: Oh forget it.
Mess: Hey coach, I'll call you in a few weeks. I got a big fishing trip *wink, wink* planned.
Slats: I gotta go, Mark.
Mess: They don't call it Hilton Head for nothing eh?
Slats: Bye Mark.
Mess: Coach, I'll call a team meeting at Scores. We can turn this thing around. Heave ho, heave ho. I'll bring the chips.....I get 'em free ya know.
Slats: "Click" (hangs up)
Don Maloney: Well, what did he say....is he playing?
Slats: I have no fucking clue.
----
Well, there you have it. A very shocking and fake conversation.
----}- Bird
Posted by Bird at July 16, 2005 12:45 PMeMail this entry!
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