This is my favorite column of the year to write. Maybe it’s that it signals the opening day for the NHL offseason, as teams slowly start to assemble their rosters for the coming campaign. Maybe it’s all the youthful excitement and enthusiasm surrounding the next generation of future hockey players. Or maybe it’s just the glow reflecting off of Pierre McGuire’s scalp. In any event, as the unofficial start of the coming hockey season, a season much anticipated and filled with curiosity, everyone has to love draft day.
Except, of course, ESPN.
The Worldwide Leader in Sports, still bitter over the fact that only a handful of people watched NHL2Nite — mostly because what Rob Pilatus was to Milli Vanilli, John Buccigross was to the NHL — has inexplicably decided not to even cover this draft, despite the fact that the most highly touted prospect since Eric Lindros is involved. And what pinnacle of human achievement will they be airing instead of the draft?
Fishing.
That’s right, instead of introducing the next round of future stars in the game of hockey, America’s top sports channel will be focusing its attention on two overweight men in rubber boots talking about plastic bugs for an hour. Rather than jump aboard the Sidney Crosby Express, ESPN is giving the network keys over to a “sport” in which achievement is directly related to the goofiness of one’s baseball cap. Even Bassmaster Sather thinks this is a crock of sh*t.
(Everyone got that last joke, right? We all know that last week when the NHL held it’s dog-and-pony Crosby lottery, instead of being on hand to skew karma toward the New York Rangers, the Supreme Overlord chartered the S.S. Dolan out to catch some stripers. I have my own theories about this — personally I think it’s a great way to tell Gary Bettman where he can stick his stupid new league. But regardless of the reason or motivation, I’m pretty sure I will milk the Cap’n Sather, Master Angler, stuff all season. Just a warning.)
Anyway, despite having a wrench thrown into my summer plans by not having a major network to watch the draft on, I still managed to find a channel picking up a broadcast. Unfortunately that channel is NESN, which means I’ll be subjected to the phrase “Home of the World Series Champion R-- S--“ for the next three hours. Like Steve Yzerman, I’m playing in pain. So without further ado, and all apologies as always to Bill Simmons, I present my third annual NHL Draft Day Running Diary.
12:00 -- We’re live at the, um … somewhere in Ottawa for the 2005 NHL Entry Draft. Joining me is a 72-oz. cup of coffee, three aspirin, and a half-bag of Tostitos. Also providing commentary today are a three-legged dog named Dog (don’t ask) and a cat named Fred. Fred is excited about Vancouver native Gilbert Brule, while Dog is pretty high on licking his own crotch. We’re ready for anything here on draft day.
12:01 -- Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby
12:02 -- Welcome back to beloved TSN correspondents Gord Miller, Bob McKenzie, and the always inebriated Pierre McGuire. Miller and McKenzie are wearing dark conservative suits, while Pierre has opted for a t-shirt of a heart with Lou Lamoriello’s face in the middle.
12:03 -- Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby
12:05 -- Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Lemieux Crosby
12:07 -- Boo! Hiss! Our first disappointment of the day, as we just learn that the NHL has abandoned it’s traditional “Come on down!” format for drafting in favor of the more traditional green room approach. And it’s not even a green room, just a curtained off section of whatever ballroom they’re holding this thing in. So that means no shots of huddled prospects sitting with bizarrely undressed family members. No moments where cute Canadian teenage girls forever say goodbye to their hopes and dreams as their boyfriends get shipped to Miami and Atlanta. No awkward hugs from dorky younger brothers. And no potential for any of these kids to fall and break their collarbones as they try to navigate their way through a packed auditorium. It's only been a week and already I hate the new NHL.
12:11 -- Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby Crosby
12:13 -- After some speeches from some suited corporate dudes, Gary Bettman finally takes the podium and reads his opening remarks like an 8th-grader giving his first speech in front of a class. I hate this man so much. Here’s to hoping that Bob Goodenow is out doing pull-ups somewhere like Robert DeNiro in “Cape Fear.”
12:15 -- Finally, the moment all of hockey is waiting for, as Craig Patrick strides to the podium and announces that Pittsburgh has selected Canadian phenom Sidney Crosby. But what’s this?! Crosby refuses to go! He remains seated, disappointed by Pittsburgh’s initial contract offer, and announces to TSN’s James Duffy that “I don’t want to put on a Penguins jersey because they don’t want me bad enough.” Oh wait, my bad. That’s what Mario Lemieux did back when he was drafted by Pittsburgh in 1984.
12:14 -- Crosby Crosby Crosby … I love TSN’s coverage, by the way, for actually exploring interesting subplots and intricacies of the game and the league, such as Crosby and last year’s stud pick Evgeni Malkin having the same agent. Contrast this with Barry Melrose’s mullet and John Buccigross pimping C-level rock bands and you have a pretty good starting point as to why televised hockey fails in the U.S.
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12:18 -- First interview with Sid the Kid, who I think drank a liter of embalming fluid this morning. Perk up! You’re supposed to save this crummy league. Meanwhile, Pierre McGuire points out that Crosby is even mimicking Mario Lemieux’s posture when he addresses the media. Wonderful. We all know that Lemieux is the dullest and least personable superstar in all of sports, right? I can’t wait till they mic this kid up for the first time and get 60 straight minutes of dead air.
12:19 -- Alright. Since you asked. I think Crosby will be as good as Joe Sakic. Would you invest $140 dollars in Center Ice to watch a young Joe Sakic? Me neither.
12:21 -- What’s the deal with all these young boys hanging around and passing out jerseys? Is this part of the new marketing strategies? Are they trying to attract members of NAMBLA to the league? So far the new NHL makes me very uncomfortable.
12:22 -- Annoying blowhard Brian Burke uses the second pick on promising forward Bobby Ryan. Ryan’s well-publicized background is so troublesome that I’m not even going to make a joke, but let’s just say that it might be a good idea for Anaheim to use a third-round pick on a therapist.
12:28 -- Carolina happily selects American defenseman Jack Johnson. And looking at TSN’s draft list for the first time, where are all the Eastern Europeans? I wonder if GMs are genuinely deterred by the Russians and Czechs reluctance to sign the new IIHF deal and general prickery when it comes to exporting their players overseas. It’s a shame because I was really looking forward to hearing everyone over at Rangers Fan Central blast Glen Sather for passing over some Russian kid with an unpronounceable name that no one has ever seen play.
12:33 -- Minnesota drafts big QMJHL forward Benoit Pouliot, deemed a late bloomer who came from nowhere to surprisingly dominate his league, mostly because he’s 26-years-old. Seriously, has anyone ever carded this guy? And was that his girlfriend he just hugged or his mom? We’re three picks in and I’m already making MILF jokes.
12:39 -- Montreal goes off the program and selects goalie Carey Price, while Pierre McGuire starts to choke on his own tongue. Price looks like a centerfold for Tiger Beat. Which reminds me, did everyone see Al Montoya at the Rangers ticket giveaway last week? Confident in my sexuality when I say this, but this kid is going to absolutely shatter Ron Duguay’s 212 MBS mark set in 1979 (Models Banged per Season).
12:43 -- Columbus drafts Gilbert Brule, who looks exactly like Mike D. from the Beastie Boys. This is followed by Chicago selecting sort-of-local product, Jack Skille, no pun intended. Imagine if your name is “Skille” and you actually suck. Your childhood must be brutal. I’m babbling now.
12:52 -- Trade! San Jose deals with Atlanta and actor Michael Ironside strolls to the stage to select … Devin Setoguchi. The TSN crew is a little perplexed, as they thought for sure that the Sharks were moving up to select Slovenian forward Anze Kopitar. Pierre McGuire quickly collects himself and tells everyone about the time he found a piece of gum that Lou Lamoriello once chewed.
12:57 -- The ghastly visage of John Muckler eerily floats to the podium and selects Brian Lee, making him the first albino player in the national hockey league. Come to think of it, maybe he isn’t albino. Maybe he just had all the color scared out of him when he stared directly into Muckler’s grim face of death.
12:58 -- Anze Kopitar just took off his belt and is looking for a high beam to hang himself on.
1:04 -- Some dude (who is running Vancouver these days?) selects gangly defenseman Luc Bourdon, who played last season for Goon Island in the Popeye League. “Yes! Awesome!” Pierre McGuire squeals, as Gord and Bob quietly shift their seats six inches to the left.
1:08 -- Don’t turn around (uh oh), der Kopitar just got drafted (uh oh). Los Angeles at the #11 pick, which isn’t much of a tumble for him. Where is Slovenia anyway? Are we sure this is a real country, or did he just make it up to declare himself the best player from there? I’m getting a map.
1:09 -- It’s a country. It’s located south of Austria, east of Italy, and west of Crotia. It’s capital is Ljubljana. I swear I didn’t make this up. Geography is fun.
1:11 -- Trade! Atlanta dumps their #12 pick to … the New York Rangers! Squeal!!! Apparently Bassmaster Sather just docked the Wellcraft.
1:12 -- Rangers take Marc Staal, best known as the lesser touted younger brother of Carolina forward Eric Staal. Still, a universally approved of pick. Big, strong defenseman with a good pedigree. I’m happy.
1:13 -- Glen Sather’s hair gets worse and worse each season.
1:14 -- No no. I’m not done harping on this: Sather’s hair is just terrible. Embarrassing. Are Maloney and Renney so terrified of him that they won’t say anything? At this point I’d be much happier if he just showed up to all these things wearing a beige vest and a fishing cap. In fact, I’m insisting on it.
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1:19 -- Buffalo drafts Czech forward Mrdk Zrgrpkrdn, fresh off his stint of causing trouble for Superman. If you got that last joke, please discontinue reading this column and try to get yourself outside to kiss a girl for the first time.
1:21 -- Pierre McGuire just made the joke that even though they’re the Washington Capital, they should be called the Washington Cap-Rooms. Bob McKenzie starts waiving toward the waiter to stop drink service, while Gord Miller casually litters the TSN set with AA brochures.
1:24 -- Washington GM George McPhee, looking like he just got into a scrap outside in the parking lot, drafts wayyyyyy off the board in selecting Cornell defenseman Sasha Pokulok. And he traded up to do this.
1:26 -- I guess I have to explain this to any casual hockey fans or anyone that Googled the word “NAMBLA” and stumbled onto this column. Unlike every other major sport, the NHL draft goes against logic in the sense that you hardly ever see a team trade down when their coveted player is not expected to go anywhere near where they’re picking. So even though it makes no sense, it’s quite common for a GM like McPhee to trade up to draft a player that would likely still be available in the late second round. I mean, beyond the first five picks it’s not like any of these kids are going to make a difference in the NHL anyway. Plus, I think they have an open bar at these things.
1:26 -- Islanders safely draft center Ryan O’Marra, with GM Mike Milbury not even bothering to join the team up on the stage to welcome the kid. Probably a good move. If I were an Islander draft pick and I actually wanted to play in New York, I’d file a restraining order against Milbury as soon as possible.
1:31 -- And the absolute highlight of the draft comes, as Atlanta drafts forward Alex Bourret, who strides to the stage looking like he’s spent the morning getting made over by the Queer Eye guys. White suit, lavender on lavender shirt and tie, and hair with at least a half-dozen products in it. Kick ass. James Spader would play this kid in the movie. And as a bonus, he’s a little chunky too. He’s officially my favorite player in the new NHL.
1:35 -- In so many words, Bob Mckenzie just described Phoenix’s pick of Martin Hanzal as “a big Czech pussy.”
1:39 -- Nashville GM Dave Poile: “We’d just like to take a moment to recognize all our fans partying right now back home at the Gaylord Center.” Snicker -- partying at the Gaylord Center. Does that joke ever get old? Snicker. I’m 32-years-old, by the way.
1:43 -- Detroit takes … some little kid holding up a jersey. Oh, they drafted European prospect Jakub Kindl. He’s not here, but then again only 21 of these prospects are. You know why? Because Gary Bettman totally ruined the NHL. And because he eats puppies.
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1:51 -- I don’t speak French, but I’m pretty sure that Florida coach Jacques Martin just told Ottawa to go f**k itself. Anyway, they traded up to draft Kenndal McArdle, who everyone agrees is a great pick. Personally, I wanted the Rangers to grab him, but what’s done is done. Maybe I was just being selfish because I have a lot of inappropriate racist jokes left over from the Anson Carter Era.
2:01 -- Tuukka Rask to Toronto, Matt Lashoff to Boston. Yawn. Without any major trades, this draft is about as exciting as watching John Muckler’s EKG reading.
2:06 -- McGuire literally explodes as his idol Lou Lamoriello selects Swedish forward Niklas Bergfors. Someone should hit Pierre with a tazer right now. And to make matters worse, he just called the Devils one of the best franchises in hockey. They were embarrassingly bounced in the last playoffs in the first round, their coach has cancer, Scott Stevens is on the verge of retirement/irrelevance, their franchise player is on the verge of leaving, and they have no cap room to sign anyone. But other than that, they’re in great shape.
2:20 -- With picks of T.J. Oshie going to St. Louis and Andrew Cogliano in Edmonton, I just realized that I’ve spent the last two and a half hours of a beautiful Saturday afternoon watching an atrocious sports league pick the Dan LaCouture’s and Josh Green’s of the future. I absolutely hate myself right now.
2:21 -- Meh. At least I’m not Bob Goodenow.
2:23 -- Calgary selects Matt Pelech, and James Duffy makes the mistake of trying to interview Darryl Sutter. How did this man come one game away from winning the Stanley Cup when I’m not sure I’d let him out in public without a rubber helmet on?
2:29 -- Finally a trade, as Jeff O’Neill gets sent to Toronto for, um, nothing. Tough offseason for O’Neill so I’ll be nice and wish him luck. And kudos to Carolina for doing the right thing and letting him be near his family. It’s never a good situation to have a player mumbling to himself on the bench between shifts.
2:35 -- And with Tampa’s last pick of Vladimir something, the 2005 draft mercifully ends.
Loaded with one big star, lots of North American talent and many “safe” players, this doesn’t figure to be one of the more memorable drafts in the coming years, but you never know. The Rangers drafted a player they really liked and desperately needed, so we have another piece in place for Admiral Sather’s master plan, whatever it is. And in two months the Sidney Crosby Era officially begins. Good luck, new NHL. Try not to be a lot like the old NHL, because that league kinda sucked.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to do keg-stands at Alex Bourret's house.
Posted by brian at July 30, 2005 09:05 PMeMail this entry!
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