These Olympics could not end fast enough. In fact, I'll go on record as saying that the past two weeks have been the most dismal period of American sports in almost a century.

Where to begin? The falls by favorites Sasha Cohen and Apolo Ohno that resulted in a loss of gold. Lindsey Jacobelis posing for the camera. Michelle Kwan finishing a fine career with a whimper, not a bang. Both hockey teams finishing disappointingly low, and both subject to criticism about personnel decisions. US skeletoner Kevin Ellis breaking his back in a promotional competition. The stupid Shandi Davis and Chad Henrick feud. The media getting into a tizzy while questioning the sexuality of a friggin' male figure skater.

And then there's Bode Miller.

As someone that can't stand it when athletes are expected to be anything more than human beings, complete with all the weird weaknesses that make our lives mortal and fleeting, I have much sympathy for someone like Bode. I think that many of his missteps in the past few months were the product of naivety. And it's a stretch to consider anyone even competing for an Olympic medal, never mind having several already, to be a loser. But in a few days when the torch is extinguished, the bandstand torn down, and his name all but forgotten forever, what will be left in the life of a guy that never has to work another day in his life is that, for a very small sacrifice he couldn't suck it up and play the game to make his country feel good about themselves for two weeks. And that's why I can't forgive Bode Miller. It's not that he lost. It's not that any of them lost. It's that in the process they made us all look pretty ugly.

Maybe I'm just being negative. This did happen. And this. And even Bode has a chance at redemption. But all in all, next week, and more NHL hockey, could not happen fast enough. Thus ends my first and hopefully last Olympic rant.

Speaking of hockey. Jay Greenberg at The Post completely reverses gears and now says, "Wait a minute, America actually sucks at this game." Picking on Greenberg at this point is like shooting fish in a barrel. That said, he's still a complete idiot. His buddy Larry Brooks (and, ahem, me) knew months ago that something fishy was up with the Team USA roster: a poor mix of young, way too old, and guys that currently or at one time had played for Peter Laviolette. And now Jay Greenberg, looking back over the boxscores to figure out what went wrong, has finally put his finger on it: America doesn't have enough scorers.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Wanna know why Team U.S.A. didn't win? It's because guys like this can't even get a look from an Olympic evaluation committee. What about the respect shown this good guy? It's because the clowns making the choices for this roster put selling jerseys ahead of actually fielding a balanced team in which precious ice time doesn't become something to remain bitter about for the next four years. Heck, even the players had problems with the way the team was handled. RRGGG!!! I'm done talking about Greenberg. I just don't get how a guy that's a professional writer covering the Rangers for the past ten years can cite a lack of talent as an excuse for losing. It's like he spent the entire Val Kamensky Era sleeping off a hangover after a night on the town with Wade Boggs and David Cone.

[Taking deep breath, adjusting tie like Don Cherry.]

Another hockey article, about the New York Rangers, from Nick Parish, pet beautician. I just like saying the name Nick Parish. This isn't that bad, with some promising news about Blair Betts and Petr Prucha, as well as some info about Coach Renney's reaction to the Jagr hit. Speaking of Jagr, here some Daily News hype about the semi-final match against his Rangers teammate, Henrik Lundqvist.

As bad as Jay Greenberg is, Steve Zipay at Newsday is good. I know I pimp his columns out every Friday, and many of you wonder why, but you have to trust me that hiss writing is vastly superior to the rest of the typewriter monkeys out there. How does he describe Tom Renney's reaction at having Team Czech competing for a medal -- his interest is "piqued." When you're inventing articles out of thin air, it's the little things like this that make the difference between being something you yawn over and something that captures your attention for two minutes. Keep up the good work, Steve. I'll see you on Brokeback Mountain after the break.

There's probably some more hockey and Rangers-related articles out there, but you've gotten the gist of where the team is right now. Semi-final games at 10:30 and 3:00 today. I haven't been paying attention, but shame on most of the major media outlets for the typo that has Team Finland listed as playing today instead of Team Canada. Thank God for the Canadians, because otherwise North American hockey ... what was that? They lost too? Oh. Well, someone's taking the heat for that, right? Good.

[Insert link for Isiah Thomas killing the Knicks again.] If you're following along with my Hurrican Katrina analogy, right now Spike Lee just went on WFAN and had a complete verbal breakdown, wondering where in "goddam hell" Commissioner David Stern is to stop this, while an obviously shaken rookie forward David Lee just gave an interview to AP reporters in which he admitted "I'm very scared right now." I hope the senseless mistakes of this franchise serve to wake up the entire conscience of sports. This could have been prevented.

Wanna talk baseball? Larry Brooks does. This doozy had Uncle Larry putting the thumbscrews to Omar Minaya, trying to get him to guarantee a World Series victory or something. I like Uncle Larry, but wouldn't you be a little annoyed about this tactic: hounding these poor guys with comparisons to the Yankees that they don't want to make, until they finally have to give in and offer the "we have the same right to expect to win" something something Yankees something. I don't particularly care for the Mets, but if I had to constantly answer questions about a cross-town rival not even in my league, I might take a fungo bat to somebody's crotch and tell them to go back to MSG. On the plus side, at least Uncle Larry didn't anoint David Wright "King David." Yet.

Just to balance it out with a Yankees story, Randy Johnson starts to show the intimidation that fans were looking for all last season. Unfortunately it was during batting practice and against his own teammate. Oy vey. I'd be worried, but at least I didn't have to read an article about them, quoting Joe Torre about whether he thought the Yanks were as good as the Mets.

Lots of other stuff going on in the world of sports: the World Baseball Classic, the Jets mowing down players like Governor Arnold in "Commando," and Austria becoming the first ever entire country that looks like it needs an intervention.

Hey! Did someone say intervention?

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