The word for today's column is "fumes" because apparently that's what the Rangers were running on last night.

That's not to make excuses for them. No wait. That's exactly what it is. But haven't they done enough already this season? Let's ask the experts.

J to the Dizzle over at the Daily News, citing some world-class quotes from Tom Renney that come off as the verbal equivalent of Kirk Russell's fist-pump after the USA win in "Miracle." And thanks to a successful Rangers season, there's still some funds left in the Hockeybird coffers for me to hire William Shatner to paraphrase those quotes for you:

"These men ... they're ... tired. They're ... weary. They long to ... go home to ... their families and friends. And you ... you've pitted them ... man against man ... for your amusement. Have they not ... pleased you? Have they not ... given ... every ounce ... of their lives? Let them ... be free now. At least until ... mid-April."

Newsday, Steve Zipay, summing it up. Interesting note at the end of the column regarding John Davidson being offered a front-office job with Dave Checketts and the St. Louis Blues. Nothing new, though were JD ever to leave his cushy commentating job, now is likely the time. I'm not concerned, however. Checketts should be more worried about hiring Jenny Craig to slim down his captain.

Lastly at Newsday, and I don't know if we've ever linked this, but everyone needs to check out Steve Webb's blog. Webb, as many will remember, is the former (now retired) agitator for the Isles, and his blog is pretty outstanding insight from someone that's seen the inside of a professional locker room. It's amazing that the NHL will spend millions of dollars on an ad campaign that everyone hates, when in reality this is exactly the type of stuff they should be encouraging. Nice job, Webby.

Token NY Times rep Jason Diamos sums up last night's boxscore with little zest. There's also apparently a piece at the Times by Dave Anderson regarding Jagr's fantastic season, though I think you have to sign up for the Democratic Party in order to read it. As always, gas face to the Times for their hockey coverage.

Over the river, the highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive. A screen door slams. Mary's dress waves. When the changes was made uptown and the big man joined the band. Outside the street's on fire in a real death waltz, between what's flesh and what's fantasy. But they wind up wounded, not even dead ... tonight ... in ... jun ... gle ... land.

(When I do stuff like this, it's a sure sign that I have nothing left in the tank.)

The Rodent takes a trip down memory lane, flagellating himself for not endorsing the Daniel Alfredsson-to-the-Rangers rumors that cropped up years ago. Don't feel so bad, Ro' -- I don't think anyone wanted to see that happen. Alfredsson is very likely the least appreciated great hockey player of his generation, a fantastic leader that has quietly gone about his business while his team has been subject to massive amounts of organizational chaos -- ownership scandals, money troubles, Alexei Yashin -- and has still managed to produce consistently each and every year for an elite-level team. Hall of Fame? You better believe it.

Lastly, The Post, who lose their link privileges for picking up the AP version of last night's game. Lame. Where's Nick Parish when you need him? Meanwhile, Uncle Larry is down in Tampa right now, writing yet another article about baseball and steroids and Barry Bonds and blah blah blah. The New York Rangers are about to make the playoffs for the first time in seven years, Jaromir Jagr is not only going to break the single-season goal scoring record but also win the MVP ... and New York's top hockey writer is down in Florida chasing Johnny Damon. Incredibly lame.

Around the league, Atlanta made a valiant push in the final moments but still fell short, 4 -3, against Tampa. GM Don Waddel revised his playoff guarantee down to ensuring that all jerseys will be washed and neatly pressed before every remaining Thrashers home game. Devils took out the Sabres, 3-1. Mark my words, the Devils are going to spoil someone's spring next month. Last of note, ceding defeat, Joe Thornton dropped a deuce in the Sharks loss to the 'Yotes. Isn't "dropping a deuce" just an inherently funny phrase? The human torch dropped a deuce while applying for a bank loan. Babbling? Me? Guilty.

The big news in New York sports today? Hot Final Four action? Steroid probe in baseball? Another day for Team Titanic? Heck no! The big news today? Kris and Anna Benson are getting a divorce. What a shock. I'd feel bad for Kris, but when your wife is a butt-crazy attention-starved ex-stripper media-whore, you kinda take your chances. Marrying Anna Benson is almost the same thing as letting a spitting cobra free-range in your apartment, only without the upside of owning a spitting cobra. On the plus side Benson is now in the American League, and as a Yankee fan I can look forward to having Anna leg-sweep the Orioles' season by leaving messages for Kris before all his starts. For example, "Hi Kris, it's Anna. Just wanted to give you a heads up on a video I made that apparently got 'leaked' to the Internet. Also, I'm going off to Amsterdam to shoot a movie with Colin Farrell. Don't worry about the kids, I left them at Tommy Lee's house. By the way, do you know if they can cure Hepatitis C? Bye." His ERA should be somewhere around 28.50 this season.

Meanwhile, my JPC (Jokes Per Column) average for this update is somewhere around .045. Like the Rangers, I'm running on fumes. The only thing that could redeem this column would be a good Lindsay Lohan link!

Maybe not. Meh. At least it's Friday.

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