The alternative headline was going to be "The Devil in Mr. Renney." But I didn't want to jinx things with a vague sodomy joke. I'll save those for next week.

Darren Everson over at the Daily News reminds Rangers fans why it's OK to hate Martin Brodeur. If ever there were a column that could be summed up with one quote, this is it.

We know that the league probably wants them [the Rangers] to be there. You know, the best player (Jaromir Jagr) is there; it's the biggest city.

Don't you just love it when the favorite team, a team that's won three Stanley Cups within the last ten years, plays the "We're the underdogs!" card to psyche themselves up? It's almost as tired as when a cheating husband says to his wife, "I didn't mean to sleep with your brother's wife, my penis just sort of fell into her." Anyway, according to the article, history apparently is on the Rangers side when it comes to playoff matches against their cross-river rival. That fact notwithstanding, you'll excuse me if I don't do backflips about this series. History is a nightmare from which Rangers fans are trying to wake.

Over at Newsday, the Zipper talks about the flu bug ripping through the Rangers on the eve of their biggest games in over seven years (a story broken yesterday by friend to Hockeybird Joe Mac over at NY Sports Day). Reading this article, I can't decide if I'm relieved that this hit them early, nervous that the effects might linger, or impressed by the coaching staff's media awareness. But if it brings us just one step closer to a head coach using the term "leaky stool" in a press conference, I'm all for it.

Speaking of diarrhea, Newsday adds a second article about the need for the struggling Sandis Ozolinsh to improve. "More turnovers than a downtown bakery," says the Zipper. I say that Ozo has coughed up more rubber than a hooker with a lung infection. Thank you, please tip your servers on the way out. I am Bernie Mac to Zipay's Bill Cosby.

At the Star-Ledger, Colin Stephenson expands the Ozo angle into what comes off as a good read about a beleagured but talented player. Jokes aside, I like Ozo. As I've constantly mentioned on the boards, only Rangers fans could complain when they get an NHL defensive scoring leader for a third-round pick. In the parlance of the bad sports movie that is this Rangers season, Ozo is the likeable but self-destructive guy who everyone covers for all season -- to be cast as Matthew Lillard in my upcoming screenplay -- only to have him swoop in at a crucial moment toward the end and come up with a big, timely play. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

Steve Politi over the river writes a Brodeur article that I literally took the time to print out, only to wipe my ass with. Lastly at the Star-Ledger, Rich Chere breaks down the series point by point, before concluding "Devils in 5." Bite me, Rich Chere.

Waiting for this moment for nearly a decade, Uncle Larry at The Post checks in with not one but two Rangers postseason articles. The former article is about former Devil Petr Sykora, once the "A Line" dandy for a Cup-winning team and now Overlord Sather salvage project. Who's playing Sykora in my movie? I think he's Corbin Bernsen in "Major League." By default he's among the top billing in the movie though he doesn't stand out in the least, he won't go on to greatness in Wesley Snipes (or even Dennis Haysbert) fashion, this is probably his last major stand in an otherwise lukewarm career, but yet he still brings just a little more to the table than he takes away. Does that make sense? Probably not. Anyway, Uncle Larry's second article is about the Rangers' strategy of attacking the net to get at Martin Brodeur. And if that doesn't work, they're planning on having Brodeur's ex-wife make out with Petr Prucha on the bench while Marty's kids watch. There's nothing like playoff hockey.

Also at The Post, Andrew Marchand contributes a column about the poise of Henrik Lundqvist, citing no less an authority than ... Neil Smith? Oy vey. They're all going to crawl out of the woodwork for this series, aren't they? I'm anticipating hearing the name "Matteau" roughly 16,000 times next week (not that I'm complaining). There's also a bunch of articles by Mark Everson, including this breakdown of the series. Devils in six, if you're curious. My summary? Glad you asked.

FORWARDS: Any team with Jaromir Jagr has the advantage, hands down.

DEFENSE: The only Rangers defenseman with above-average skills just checked out of rehab a few months ago. Advantage Devils.

GOALTENDING: Darren Eliot at SI.com missed a major opportunity to pimp what is easily the best goalie matchup of the first round. This is a great story: the young star-to-be Henrik Lundqvist against the cagey maybe-best-ever Martin Brodeur. This matchup will, without question, decide the series. Smart money is on Brodeur. I'm playing it tight and going with the crowd. But it will be close.

SPECIAL TEAMS: I know the Rangers have the stats, but the Devils' bread and butter is their discipline. Plus, everyone knows that the NHL hates the Rangers and hoses them with the calls. Significant edge to the Devils.

COACHING: Honestly, I don't think this will be such a factor in the series. Neither staff injects themselves too much into the game, and just lets the players perform their jobs. Many think the Devils are well coached, but they really coach themselves from routine. And Renney's been giving off this "I've got a secret" vibe lately, though I'm starting to realize that Coach Tom is not as slick as he thinks he is. Will Arnett with a gray wig is playing him in the movie. Every time the Rangers call a timeout, "The Final Countdown" starts playing my head. No longer good times. Advantage: Even.

SUMMARY: Devils is Six. Sorry, guys. I think the Rangers are too tired and banged up to make a run. It's been a great year, though. We'll get 'em next time.

Around the league, Craig Patrick is finally leaving the Penguins. This is kind of like watching Tony Almeida die on "24." Like Almeida, Patrick was always a supporting figure behind Mario Lemieux's Jack Bauer, the guy with the thankless task of always being the heavy, always taking the heat, and always mopping up Lemieux's crap, only to be killed without dignity in a ridiculous plot shakeup. Lemieux should have gone the whole nine and had Sidney Crosby stab Patrick with a poison syringe while Michelle Therien chimed "BOOP BOOP BOOP" in the background. Unlike actor Carlos Bernard, however, I'm pretty sure that Patrick won't be working the boat show circuit next year.

(By the way, when discussing Craig Patrick, can someone objective at least mention the fact that he couldn't trade Jaromir Jagr, in his prime, for a single serviceable player? Despite the two Cups, the HOF, and the lose-lose position he was in for years, he's also responsible for what might be the worst trade in the history of hockey. Don't gloss this over just because the theme to "Platoon" started playing whenever he walked into a room.)

Pat Quinn also got fired by the Leafs. Someone get him a scotch neat. This just reinforces a time-worn fact about the NHL: fat guys are better coaches than thin guys. Getting your stomach stapled as an NHL coach is the equivalent of trading for Alexei Yashin.

In the rest of New York sports, someone's grandfather hit a home run to win a baseball game last night. Ugh. With the two best records in baseball held by the Mets and the R-- S-- right now, we Yankee fans feel like Sissy Spacek having tampons thrown at us in the shower in Carrie. Keep laughing guys, we'll see you at the prom. And in one of the bazillion articles written on the subject, the Knicks season also came to a merciful end. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the 2005-06 Knicks was the single-worst season ever for a professional sports team. Just a perfect storm of awfulness from on level: impatient fans, bloated ownership, indefensible management, incompetent coaching, and selfish players. This Knicks season should have concluded like the end of Poltergeist, with a giant demon-mouth opening in center court and sucking everything inside before collapsing on itself. If this were BasketballBird, I would have won a Pulitzer this year. Worst. Season. Ever.

Obligatory Lindsey Lohan link. By the way, it took me nearly 15 minutes to find a link to this story that didn't feature a glossy photo of the grim and withered face of Jane Fonda. I've seen things today that I can't unsee. Earmuffs kids! They'll be more p*ssy with baggage on this set than 30-pounds of luggage strapped to an Abyssinian. Or a Siamese. I really don't know anything about cats.

Anything else? I don't think so. Enjoy the nice weather, watch some playoff games this weekend, and root for our Rangers. Think Matteau! Matteau! Matteau!

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