I'm going to be upfront about this: I didn't watch yesterday's Rangers game against the Bruins. And I didn't watch the loss against Ottawa either. Thursday was understandable, as I had a hockey game of my own that night and never made it back to program the DVR, which turned out to be a blessing anyway because apparently the Rangers stunk. But yesterday? I was sitting around all afternoon vacuuming labrador hair from my apartment, watching MTV's "My Super Sweet Sixteen Reunion" and waiting for the NFL playoffs to start.

This league has lost me. Mission accomplished, Commissioner Bettman. The officiating is jarringly atrocious -- we're one step away from a coach being able to distract a ref long enough to turn his head while his player throws sand in a goalie's eye. The marketing is equally abyssmal. I intentionally didn't watch NBC yesterday, thinking I was only going to get the Pittsburgh game anyway, and they had the stones to compare Crosby-Malkin to Gretzky-Lemieux, which is strange because I think that if the two of them did play together, it wouldn't be on an 11th place team freefalling their way toward another lottery pick. And the Rangers themselves? Ugh.

Forget the whole "one step up, two steps back" mediocrity that has plagued them all year. Coach Renney broke me by giving another postgame speech the other day in which he shattered the record for the most times the word "lesson" was used to describe a loss during the season. HDH covered it the other day. This guy acts like he's teaching English lit at Pency Prep instead of motivating grown men to play an aggressive sport. At this point I don't think I'd let Tom Renney housebreak a puppy for me. So I've had it. Wake me when the playoffs start.

Game summaries: Dellapina, Zipay, Joe McDonald at NYSportsday, Ira Podell at the AP. Uncle Larry also corrals a summary around some trade rumors. First, if the Rangers give up anything of value for Martin Rucinsky -- an aged non-impact player that would cure the Rangers mediocrity in the same way that Sudafed cures AIDS -- I'm going to commit a felony-level offense against Overlord Sather involving dog feces and the U.S Postal Service. As for the Rangers looking at Ryan Malone or Brooks Orpik, and dangling Petr Prucha: Malone is not as young as you think and has absolutely disappeared in the Crosby-Malkin Era. Orpik, however, is intriguing, though I worry about players that haven't seemed to improve despite playing almost 200 games in the league. Plus I'm pretty sure that Brooks Orpik is a stage name.

Sam the Man Weinman with his blog, including some notes about Jagr opting out of the all-star game -- me too, Sam: "No Straka?" -- and the acquisition of former UNH standout Jason Krog. No word, however, on the plans to sign Jayme Filipowicz, Eric Boguniecki, or Darren Haydar . Go Wildcats.

Larry Brooks also with the Sunday Slapshots. There's something totally not worth reading about how awesome the Devils are -- [Brian making "wanking" motion with hand] -- and some stuff about league PR that I couldn't get through because the guy they quote is named Jim Woodcock. Woodcock -- heh heh. Tell me you're not giggling right now. I'm thirty-three years old, by the way.

The Zipper also submits a Sunday column, with a story about Teemu Selanne having cancer or something -- I'm still laughing at "Woodcock" -- and criticism toward the fan-voting in the All-Star game. It's funny because I was so outraged by the whole Rory Fitzpatrick thing that I didn't pay attention to what was going on in Buffalo. Campbell! Briere! Miller! It's the 2007 NHL All-Star game! I think I might have to attend another Super Sweet Sixteen party that weekend.

Sherry Ross rounds out the Sunday columns with a quick update for any football fans that might accidentally stumble onto hockey, now that both the locals are done. And since she broached the subject, one suggestion that I have for the NHL next season, completely stolen from the NFL: challenge flags. Who doesn't get excited when the challenge flag comes out? Like the other night against Ottawa, when the Rangers got hosed by the over-the-glass call? Instead of berating a deaf referee for five minutes, why not just throw a red flag across the ice and make them go upstairs for the correct call? You get to do this once a game. Everyone would love this. Not only will is address some of the arbitrariness that is killing NHL officiating these days, but it's ripe for high comedy. Who wouldn't laugh at a disgusted Tom Renney winging a red beanbag at Dan Marouelli after a BS obstruction call in a 5-1 game? I should be running the NHL.

Around the league ... well, the big news is that the Japanese guy got to play for the Kings. Not only is his name stellar comedy, but this is "Mighty Ducks" meets "Lost in Translation." I think that after the game, he made it Santori time. Devils beats that Isles in overtime -- this was followed by a touching ceremony in which Larry Brooks and Sherry Ross presented the Devils with a trophy for being "The Best Sports Team That No One Really Gives A Fukufugi About." Speaking of teams that no one cares about, Florida over Washington -- Panthers' trap too much for Caps Semin. Lastly, Nashville beats Columbus -- Jerred Stevenson cannot be stopped nor contained.

And on that note, and because like clockwork my tuition-sponsored internet is cutting out, this chick is the hottest skank going right now. And if you don't believe in karma in the world, check out who her dad is. But this story pales in comparison to the magical powers I recently discovered that I had, when I used my satanic influence to cause Claire Danes to break up with Billy Crudup. First the Tony Romo fumble, now the Danes' breakup. If I was Anne Hathaway's Italian boyfriend right now, I'd be a little worried.

Don't hate the player, Rangers fans. See you next week.

Recent Articles Versus Playoff Coverage Road Trip Pics

Web Hockeybird.com