Nervous messed up marionette, floating around on a prison ship -- why is it that when I run out of things to say I always revert to obscure Radiohead lyrics? Anyway, the New York Rangers are 2-5-0-3 in their last ten games, and where those two wins came from is anyone's guess. The latest loss was a 5-2 drubbing to our former AHL affiliated, the Pittsburgh Penguins -- the circle is now complete, Obi-Wan. Rebuilding sucks. It's one thing when the fans are criticized for not having the patience for a youth movement, and quite another when the players on the ice and are looking around and saying to themselves, "Gosh, these guys really stink." Whatever. The A-Rod Era starts next week. Enjoy golfing again, Rangers. Dinosaurs roaming the Earth.
Greetings From Spring Break
Just got this letter a few days ago from Mike Dunham that I'd thought I'd share: What's up, pud-buggler? How's it hanging? To the left? Ha ha. I'm down on South Padre Island -- kick ass! Me and Jamie Mack got some equipment dudes to fill in for us down the stretch, so we jumped in Macky's sweet El Camino and got a little head start on summer va-ca-ti-on-ay. Spring break rules! We don't have a hotel room or nothing. It's awesome. Wake and bake every day. We met these totally hot chicks from like Eastern Tennesee or something, and this one girl has a tattoo of the viking dude from Molly Hatchet's "Flirtin' With Disaster" -- how rad is that? Anyway, gotta go hit the beer bong again. Say Hi to everyone in NY. -- Mikey "The Dude" D. PS: Don't mess with Texas.
Rebuilding Sucks
Sure signs your favorite hockey team is in rebuilding mode: --JAN HLAVAC is your team's best player. --AFTER every goal your team scores, Sandy McCarthy fishes the puck out of the net and hands it to a member of the training staff. --YOUR checking line has an acne problem. --MARK MESSIER, after not taking a penalty all season, inexplicably decides to castrate someone for no reason whatsoever. --SUDDENLY a half-dozen players on your team have platinum-blonde hair. --BRIAN LEETCH'S jersey in the window of Cosby's replaced by a white Rangers t-shirt with the name "Pöck" hastily scribbled on the back with a Sharpie.
More signs of rebuilding: --BOBBY HOLIK'S postgame interviews now consist of him just shrugging his shoulders a few times before slinking back to his locker to cry. --DURING a lull in the second period, you think you hear John Davidson say, "Sam, did I ever tell you about the time I killed a hooker in Manitoba?" --LOCKER ROOM now blares version of Tina Turner's "Simply the Best" remixed by DJ Danger Mouse. --PREGAME chalk-talk just an animated discussion about Mischa Barton and Elisha Cuthbert. --OVERLORD SATHER blaming team's failure of the past four years on key injury to Jed Ortmeyer. --LEADING scoring on my EA NHL 2004 Playstation 2 season is J. Balej.
More signs of rebuilding? Sure ... --RANGERS promo commercial with Anson Carter, Alex Kovalev, and Matt Barnaby replaced by whacky headshot of Tom Poti with moving lips like on Conan O'Brien. --MEDICAL staff busy tossing out tubes of surplus Ben-Gay and restocking cabinets with cartons of Stridex pads. --JAROMIR JAGR openly on cellphone with bookie between shifts. --A DELIRIOUS and disheveled Boris Mironov wanders around Rangers training complex in his bathrobe, swigging from a bottle of vodka and calling everyone "Rosie." --TOM RENNEY is your head coach. --YOUR best player gets busted by the bouncers at Scores for trying to get inside with Dan Lacouture's expired driver's license.
--JAMIE LUNDMARK has a multipoint game. --IN HIS pregame "Keys to Victory" Stan Fischler puts a loaded gun to his head and pulls the trigger. --SCHEDULED to return with three games left in the season, Darius Kasparaitis found in a utility closet, whacking at his knee with a tire iron. --ALEXANDER OVECHKIN'S bio at hockeysfuture.com being flooded with an inordinate amount of hits from the New York City area. --MSG INTERNS busy drawing beards on left-over Pavel Bure bobblehead dolls in anticipation for Dale Purinton Appreciation Night. And lastly, --ESPN FANTASY column for NY Rangers contains nothing but speculation and no facts whatsoever.
Next Game, Thursday, Nashville
Yee haw. Only five more of these awful games left, and then the NHL can get into full conspiracy mode to figure out how to rig the draft lottery so that the Rangers get Ovechkin. Otherwise these finals days of the New York Rangers has less enthusiasm and excitement than the phrase "Jon Lovitz guest stars on the season conclusion of Less Than Perfect." Does anyone care at this point? Anyone? Oy vey. You can try the best you can, Baby Rangers, try the best you can. The best you can is good enough.
FIRESALE!!! Woo Woo! Everything must go. Looking for a mercurial Russian defenseman down the stretch? We've got two! How about an enforcer with a mild scoring touch, or a bantamweight agitator/energy guy -- come on down! Yee haw! Get 'em while they're hot. Need a backup goalie, or a stay-at-home defenseman, or a finesse European playmaker? Then pack the wife and kids into the minivan and head on down to the great big New York Rangers once-in-a-lifetime blowout sale. Whether you're looking for a 43-year-old withered legend, an injury-riddled hunking center, or a tempermental superstar with a gimpy groin, we got what you need. Come make us your one-stop shop for NHL players. Operators are standing buy. First 100 to arrive qualify for the doorprize -- Jan Hlavac! Yee haw!
This Space, One Year From Now
Can I just start talking about Nik Khabibulin now or do I have to wait until we actually make the trade for him? Our future goalie was average last night in the win against Chicago, fresh off the heels of a dominating team performance against Colorado that earned the 'Bulin Wall another shutout. Nikolai is ranked #18 on the player rater and rising. The is a welcome change from former Ranger goalie Mike "The Dude" Dunham, who is currently out of the NHL and rumored to be living in a small, rugless apartment somewhere in Los Angeles. Expect Dan Blackburn to get the next start, as Khabby could use some rest with the team firmly entrenched in playoff position.
Rebuilding My Fantasy Column
Petr "The Antichrist" Nedved has been slumping of late and ... of wait, he's not on the team anymore. Nevermind. Retro Alex Kovalev, last spotted singing "Closing Time" at a Semisonic show, has been ... of wait, he's not on the team anymore either. Hmm. Eric Lindros! Eric Lindros is back to skating and could possibly return Friday against the Capitals ... just in time for us to trade him for some prospects. Dang. Matt Barnaby is ... no, he'll probably go too. Chris Simon? Martin Rucinsky? Mark Messier? Is anyone left on this roster? Josef Bajel, Dwight Helminen, and Jarkko Immonen. Happy day. I miss our fantasy roster already. What the f*** is a Jarkko Immonen anyway?
Fantasy Implications
I have to think that everyone, fantasy-wise, should be thrilled with the way this "event" has turned out: The Antichrist Nedved is reunited with Radek Prd Dvorak in a conference and system more suited to his nancy-pants style of play. Alex Kovalev is away from whatever New York kryptonite was causing him to completely suck the minute he slipped on a Rangers jersey. Brian Leetch is QB-ing the power play for a good team. The other guys on the roster (Jagr, Holik, Simon, Barnaby, Messier, Poti) are probably looking at more ice-time down the stretch, at least as long as they're still Rangers. Really the only one losing in the deal is me, as I now lose pretty much every running gag I had in this column. So who wants to hear Jed Ortmeyer jokes? Anyone?
#2
This is the section where I normally would report about how Brian Leetch was doing -- whether he was hoisting an awful team on his shoulders, scoring defensive points by the truckload, or dead somewhere with the mysterious foot injury that killed him last season. And now Brian Leetch is a Leaf. I can't complain about it because both the team and the player needed this to happen. It just seems very surreal is all. I'm a hockey fan because of my father, a hockey player because of Wayne Gretzky, and a Rangers fan because of Brian Leetch. Take care of him, Toronto. He's meant a lot to a lot of people. But you'll figure that out soon enough.
Mailbag
Q: What did you think of Firesale Wednesday? A: I'm excited, nervous, maybe a little anxious, but sort of in a good way. It's like a blind date, I guess: you're trying to stay grounded and not go in with any expectations, trying your hardest to remain optimistic, but you're still being guarded and realistic about the experience. Maybe Jarkko Immonen is the perfect fit for the Rangers. Who knows? All you know is that what you had before was clearly not working and that it's time to try something else. I guess there's some fear too; fear that you don't end up spending your evenings drunk and alone, watching Toronto games and hysterically sobbing "Why? Why?" every time Brian Leetch scores a goal. But hopefully that will shortly pass. Hopefully.
Next Game, Tonight, Tomorrow
Pittsburgh Rangers against the Boston Bruins tonight, then Friday against the Capitals. What else to say? A new era of New York Rangers hockey starts tonight, and watching how the next five days unfold should be very interesting, to say the least. Hockey is officially different here. For some reason I feel like it's important to quote the Foo Fighters: Times like these you learn to live again, times like these you give and give again, times like these you learn to love again, times like these ... time and time again. Good luck, Brian Leetch. Go and win the Stanley Cup. Let's Go Rangers.
